Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire
Vol. CLVI, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Conor Bartol, Humor Editor

Conor (he/him) is a senior physics-astronomy major with a creative writing minor. He worked as a humor writer for five semesters before becoming the humor editor in Fall 2023. He is thrilled to help produce topical and hilarious articles for the Wire.

All content by Conor Bartol

Whitman Majors as Kaiju

Conor Bartol, resident Godzilla enthusiast
May 2, 2024

What You Missed at the Undergraduate Conference

Conor Bartol, something of an undergraduate researcher myself
April 11, 2024

Dos and Don’ts of Admitted Students Weekend

Conor Bartol, once a former admitted student myself
April 4, 2024

We Regret to Announce that We are Out of Jokes

Conor Bartol, this is not a joke
February 22, 2024

The Wire’s Humor’s Corrections

Conor Bartol, no take-backsies
December 7, 2023

Whitman [ ] Ends in [ ]

Conor Bartol, [ ]
November 2, 2023

Upward Together – Educational Dysfunction

Conor Bartol, connoisseur of only the classiest jokes
October 26, 2023

Unknown Chemical Fumes Emanate from the Marcus Whitman Hotel

Conor Bartol, who farted?
September 28, 2023

Psychoanalyzing my Spotify Wrapped

Conor Bartol, I’m a Freud this is the end
December 8, 2022

No-fail fun and funky fall crafts

Conor Bartol, Running with scissors (in defiance of the laws of God and man)
November 17, 2022
Illustration by M Hu.

Spoiler alert: there are no bears in the play “bare”

Conor Bartol, Bearly There
November 10, 2022

Horrifying reversal: A pumpkin is trying to carve me

Conor Bartol, What terrible fruit hath grown from the seed of evil
October 27, 2022

How to celebrate Rocktober right

Conor Bartol, It’s rock-o-clock baby
October 20, 2022
How to spot an impostor Wire writer

How to spot an impostor Wire writer

Conor Bartol, a real employee who definitely works here
October 5, 2022
Illustration by Eleanor Amer.

An interview with President Bolton: the complete unredacted version

Conor Bartol, It’s not a tin foil hat, it’s an aluminum chapeau
September 29, 2022
Illustration by Keeli McKern.

King Charles’ reign contested by kid pulling sword from stone

Conor Bartol, Author of “Robin Hood vs. Godzilla” (not yet published)
September 22, 2022
Illustration by Paloma Link.

Too old to goof around, too young to be square: walking the tightrope of silliness

Conor Bartol, on “real thin ice, buddy”
May 12, 2022
Illustration by Anna Stone.

No summer plans? Here’s some good last-minute options

Conor Bartol, So long, farewell, you see later, alligator
May 5, 2022
Illustration by Anna Stone.

Major ASWC election voter fraud ring uncovered

Conor Bartol, Forming a Super PAC and needs contributions
April 28, 2022
Illustration by Anna Stone.

Whitman makes clothes optional during transition to nude university

Conor Bartol, Humblest Man on Earth
April 21, 2022
Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Make Your Own Humor Article!

Conor Bartol, A(n) [adjective] [noun]
April 7, 2022
Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

The forgotten history of Whitman’s space program

Conor Bartol, Bad At Making Fake Acronyms (B.A.M.F.)
April 1, 2022

End of indoor mask mandate a massive blow to people who make silly faces under their masks

Conor Bartol, Gifted with Inconvenient Prophecy
March 10, 2022

Love is(n’t) in the air: Tips for overcoming your post-Valentine’s Day disappointment

Conor Bartol, Call 1-800-LUV-SICK: good relationship advice in 5 minutes or your money back!
February 17, 2022
Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Whitman prepares for online “Metaverse” classes

Conor Bartol, No I haven’t read Snow Crash, why do you ask?
February 10, 2022

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Conor Bartol, Takes great satisfaction telling people “see you next year!” on December 31st
December 9, 2021

Whitman alters COVID protocol

Conor Bartol, Used car lot inflatable wavy noodle understudy
December 2, 2021
Illustration by Shasta Soles.

Local vigilantes wage war on bicycle-wheel thieves

Conor Bartol, Mild-Mannered “Reporter”
November 11, 2021
Illustration by Paloma Link.

A dream crushed: I jumped into this pile of leaves and I can’t escape

Conor Bartol, This is my farewell
November 4, 2021
Illustration by Paloma Link.

North Hall Haunted House cancelled after real phantom discovered

Conor Bartol, Professional Shenaniganizer
October 28, 2021
Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Tips and tricks for family weekend

Conor Bartol, The Big Cheese ‘Round These Parts
October 21, 2021
Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

V-Nord Improv’s return countered by heckler group

Conor Bartol, A Serious Goose
September 30, 2021

Horses demand their dewormer from anti-vaxxers

Conor Bartol, Ass-half of the two-person horse costume
September 23, 2021

Sophomores go undercover as class of 2025

Conor Bartol, Human Bean
September 16, 2021
The mythic tale of the Whitman tree climber: A true history

The mythic tale of the Whitman tree climber: A true history

Conor Bartol, found this story in a hidden passage under the library 
May 16, 2021

Companies stake their claim on Whitman following Barnes and Noble bookstore purchase

Conor Bartol, stuck on roof trying to get frisbee, send help
May 6, 2021
Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Whitman hosts “America’s Got Talent”-esque competition to choose next president

Conor Bartol, definitely not multiple ducks in a trenchcoat
April 29, 2021
Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Duckling Do’s and Don’ts

Conor Bartol, Proud Time-Traveler since 2045
April 22, 2021
Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Georgia voter suppression bill reaching new lows

Conor Bartol, Starch Advocate for Potatoes
April 9, 2021

The Wire sold to Jeff Bezos

Conor Bartol, Be seeing you around 
April 1, 2021
Illustration by Nick Rogers.

CDC PSA: Do not use COVID-19 vaccines as throwing darts

Conor Bartol, Mac and Cheese Decryer
March 25, 2021

Whitman statues change places overnight

Conor Bartol, [Your Ad Here]
March 11, 2021

Student left bedridden after eating Smash Burgers for five straight weeks

Conor Bartol, Old-timey Carnival Barker
March 4, 2021
Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Whitties start betting on which hall will be quarantined next

Conor Bartol, Oatmeal Enthusiast
February 25, 2021

Amidst financial woes, Whitman criticized for spending on outfits for ducks

Conor Bartol, Fastest Pun in the West
February 18, 2021
Illustration by Elie Flanagan.

Things to be thankful for

Conor Bartol, Space Cowboy
November 25, 2020

Supervillains cancel 2020 plans: “What’s the point?”

Conor Bartol, Henchman for hire
November 19, 2020

Whitman postpones in-person plans after bed bug infestation

Conor Bartol, Who let the Frogge out?
November 12, 2020
Illustration by Elie Flanagan.

Children develop candy E-trading for Halloween 2020

Conor Bartol, Peanut Allergy: Will Trade Payday for Cheap
November 5, 2020

What is NASA hiding on the moon?

Conor Bartol, Quarantine isn’t getting to me, why do you ask?
October 29, 2020
Illustration by Lily Buller.

An interview with the fly that landed on Mike Pence’s head

Conor Bartol, House Fly Whisperer
October 22, 2020
Illustration by Anika Vucicevic.

Students vanish in Zoom breakout rooms

Conor Bartol, Toothpaste Skeptic
October 15, 2020
Illustration by Anika Vucicevic.

Five spook-tacular trick-or-treating alternatives for 2020

Conor Bartol, Right Behind You
October 8, 2020

Scientists have mixed feelings over discovery of single-use plastics on Venus

Conor Bartol, Punster Extraordinaire
October 1, 2020
Illustration by Allyson Kim.

The sweet onion to end all sweet onions has been discovered

Conor Bartol, Useful Idiot
September 24, 2020
Illustration by Allyson Kim.

Disney announces “Star Wars: Babies”

Conor Bartol, Voyager to Lands Unknown
September 17, 2020

Microsoft Replaces Internet Explorer with Internet Conqueror

Conor Bartol, Lovable Scamp
September 10, 2020
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