How to celebrate Rocktober right

Conor Bartol, It’s rock-o-clock baby

The following is transcribed from the local college radio:

The month is nearly over, which means it’s time to rejoice with newfound fervor: that’s right, it’s ROCKtober, which means a nonstop, wall-to-wall, pulse-pounding celebration of the greatest month there ever was. [air horn] So here’s my guide to really rocking out this month!

First thing you gotta do is get out there in nature and get your rock on! Yesterday, I drove out to the river and spent four hours collecting various minerals. You have to look hard and leave no stone unturned. I’ve got a lot of basalt, but also some pretty cool granite, pumice and quartz. I’m hoping to work on my igneous collection on my next trip. [guitar riff]

Next thing to do is start learning about those rocks! Find some articles or textbooks, email some geologists, put on some documentaries and cram your brain with rock knowledge! For example, did you know the world’s weakest rock is talc? Now that’s a rock fact! [“rock fact” sound effect]

Finally, have fun with your rocks! I turned mine into a fun friend with some googly eyes. His name is Rocky (get it?) and ‘cause he is a rock, he will outlive us all. Pretty badass, huh? Give ‘em hell for me, Rocky! [sample from Rocky movie soundtrack plays]

And that’s it, folks! Rock on, rock out and rock and roll this Rocktober! [“r-r-r-rock and roll”]

[papers shuffling]


[muffled speech]

Oh shit. Um, hey everyone I have just been informed that Rocktober actually refers to the genre of music, not geology. Probably should have figured that out earlier. But we’re out of time so … I don’t know. AC/DC is pretty good. Anyway, here’s “Freebird”. [“Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays]

Transcript ends. The DJ was later fired for saying “shit” on air. However, their legacy remains intact, as Rocktober has since gained a cult following among mineralogists.