Whitman Wire

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Garfield instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, “White Introverted Raunchy E-Girl” Writer November 18, 2021

Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...

Illustration by Shasta Sholes.

Email leak reveals surprise candidate for Whitman’s new president

Ben Kearney, Checking my Emails constantly came in clutch November 18, 2021

An email leak from the Presidential Search Committee has accidentally revealed a surprise candidate in the race for Whitman's new president. While prospective applicants' identities were supposed to remain...

What you’ve missed on this season of the Great British Bake Off

Carmel Stephan, Moonlights as a college student (my real job is refusing to make eye contact) November 18, 2021

It’s that time of year again: fall is fading into winter, Thanksgiving break is nearing, the semester’s workload is no longer just heating up, but blasting your face like a furnace installed in the...

Short story competition canceled after submissions box flooded with sexual professor fantasies

Lee Thomas, Feature Writer November 18, 2021

This morning, twenty-three students came inside the Student Activities Center, protesting the recent cancellation of the Student Short Story Competition after 69 of the 70 submissions were revealed to...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Incredible evidence proves local guy liked Korean media before it was cool

Lee Thomas, indie kid sitting on a roof at night November 11, 2021

"People watch Squid Game and think they're experts in Korean TV. But I'm the expert. I've been watching K-dramas since the beginning of time."  This tweet from Twitter account @iheartkoreanbabes was...

Illustration by Shasta Soles.

Local vigilantes wage war on bicycle-wheel thieves

Conor Bartol, Mild-Mannered "Reporter" November 11, 2021

Bike theft is one of the most heinous and deplorable crimes, a scourge plaguing the Whitman community. Every day, more bikes have their wheels stolen by nefarious ne'er-do-wells. However, a brave group...

An open letter to leaf blowers

Carmel Stephan, The Lorax’s Bitch November 11, 2021

Dear Leaf Blowers, I write to you, mangled on the ground and far removed from my home tree, as a result of your treachery. But before I start, I would like first and foremost for you to know that I...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Tips and tricks for being the only straight cousin at Thanksgiving dinner

Sammy Fitts, Christmas starts on November 1st November 11, 2021

Ahh, Thanksgiving. Once you get past the acknowledgement of genocide and dehumanizing lies of friendship and betrayal; it’s a holiday about family and appreciation. I mean that’s what you’re giving...

“Chalk Writings: An American Musical”

Ben Kearney, Not your chalk V-Nord, but keep up the good work! November 4, 2021

Lin Manuel Miranda has done it again folks, he’s written another goddamn musical. And this time, he’s promising it’s the best thing since sliced bread.  Written in a back-breaking 69 hours, “Chalk...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Stop stressing about midterms: Failing is just performance art

Carmel Stephan, Has never been out of Character November 4, 2021

Students all around campus have taken to calling their failed midterms ‘performance art.’ As a great connoisseur of the absurd and abstract (see my 10th grade short film commenting on Neo-Dadaism)...

Illustration by Paloma Link.

A dream crushed: I jumped into this pile of leaves and I can’t escape

Conor Bartol, This is my farewell November 4, 2021

Dearest Readers and Legions of Adoring Fans, I’m afraid this will be my final article for the Wire. I regret to inform you that, earlier today, in an attempt to recapture the bygone whimsy of...

Illustration by Shasta Soles.

Using my status as a Wire humor writer for Tinder clout: a true experiment

Sammy Fitts, Feminist But In The Way Men Think It Means November 4, 2021

As a Wire funny girl, I make the reader, that’s you, release a haha or maybe a hehe. I do this by telling fictitious jaunts through the recesses of my concerning mind, usually about monster fucking....

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