Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Architectural improvement ideas for the Mem clock tower

George Groebner, spokesman for the untimely April 18, 2024

If buildings could make wishes, the Memorial Building would probably wish that ducks could read analog clock faces. Beyond that, however, it’s difficult to think of anything this glorious edifice...

Comparing the Contents of Women’s Wallets to Men’s

Meghan Kearney, short enough to fit in a wallet April 18, 2024

Whitman’s campus community excels at most woke subjects, with their efforts ranging from showcasing diversity on the covers of their brochures to limiting open discussions in classrooms to prevent politically...

Wheat Fields Turn Into Weed Fields: Whitman’s Tuition Cut Plan

Arham Khan, D.A.R.E survivor April 18, 2024

In a groundbreaking announcement that has students and Circle K parking lot dwellers alike buzzing with excitement, Whitman College has revealed its innovative plan to combat soaring tuition costs: converting...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

Whitman’s Surveillance state: Presence attendance

Grace Canny, in of doors (indoors if you will) April 18, 2024

Canadian company Modern Campus (previously known as Presence) has come under increasing scrutiny for the role it plays in collecting student information as a foreign company. However, the real truth...

Illustration by Coden Stark

Predictions and previews for the Eraser Olympics

George Groebner, sponsored by Ticonderoga April 11, 2024

Hellooooo, sports fans! Are you ready for the latest innovation in throwing objects long distances, maintaining balance on slick surfaces and other feats of athletic prowess? Get ready for the Eraser...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

Where the Printed Wire Articles Go Each Week

Meghan Kearney, currently following the paper-trail April 11, 2024

You may have noticed the presence of 20 million copies of The Wire distributed around campus. However, what may have escaped your notice is the transition to fresh editions each week, leaving readers...

What You Missed at the Undergraduate Conference

Conor Bartol, something of an undergraduate researcher myself April 11, 2024

Ah, the Undergraduate Conference: a momentous day of rigorous research, academic inquiry, startling results, salient questions and a free lunch. What could be better? The only problem with the Conference...

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Hazing Horror: New Frat Pledges Made To Watch OP Climbing Wall Video On Repeat

Arham Khan, Intro To Climbing graduate April 11, 2024

In yet another scandalous revelation surrounding Greek Life, an anonymous source has disclosed that a fraternity's hazing practices have taken a sinister turn. The new pledges, eager to prove their...

New ASWC-Affiliated Corruption Club

Meghan Kearney, ASWC Chair of Communications April 4, 2024

ASWC has dedicated years to ensuring that clubs stay free of corruption, from crafting bylaws to hosting Senate meetings where senators vote on whether clubs fit the requirements and ethical expectations...

Cathedrals of Whitman College

Cathedrals of Whitman College

Grace Canny, Fell for the six flags prank (only a little bit ashamed) April 4, 2024

Probably the only brilliant thing Jordan Peterson has ever said was that there are cathedrals everywhere for those with the eyes to see. This beautiful turn of phrase has been lovingly repeated to...

Dos and Don’ts of Admitted Students Weekend

Conor Bartol, once a former admitted student myself April 4, 2024

Admitted Students Weekend is coming up, which means gaggles of teenagers running around, gawking at people and asking silly questions like “what’s your major” and “why is that horse made of sticks?”...

Tribute to an unsung hero: the legacy of March Fool

Tribute to an unsung hero: the legacy of March Fool

George Groebner, young and foolish then, old and foolish now April 4, 2024

April Fool. An icon of practical jokery, an inspiration to countless pranksters of today, regarded by the world as one of the finest to ever wear the squirting flower lapel. Who could forget Madame...

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