Whitman Wire

Best of 2017-2018: Procrastination Sensations!

Clara Wheeler, Mic Dropper

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

It’s not something people are proud of, but everybody does it in private. They say it dulls your brain, but then why does it feel so right? That’s right, we’re talking about procrastination. We’re not here to judge, so here are some of the best ways to avoid responsibility. You dirty bird. Pack your ...

Worst of 2017-2018: BB Gun Bandits

Ann Karneus, Posse Member #3

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

It truly has been one helluva year. The 2017-2018 Whitman school year was rife with ups, downs, scandals, triumphs and heartbreak. I think for everyone it’s safe to say our most trying time was when the campus fell under attack, and we faced the biggest threat to life as we know it—the BB gun bandits....

Best of 2017-2018: Letting Your Pee Be Free on Campus

Annie Stefanides, The Lead Students

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

As we all know, there are many an academic building and/ or fine establishment on campus with luxurious bathrooms to pee in, but what if you’re out and about and need some relief immediately, or perhaps you’re too intoxicated to care? Well here is a guide to the best places to pee on campus: the fo...

Best of 2017-2018: That One Fucking Annoying Kid is Abroad This Semester

Anthony Reale, Sexy Prison Wife

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

The spring semester has been a blissful time without 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018's most annoying student, who has been abroad since last semester.  Campus has rejoiced literally every goddamn day since Campus Asshole Richard M. Egabutts departed, as we haven't missed his uninformed commentary in classes,...

Best of 2017-2018: The Forgotten Residence Hall

Rebecca Gluck, Tool

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

In the midst of the construction of the sophomore residence hall on campus, you may not have noticed that another dorm was recently completed. Designed for fifth- and sixth-year students, this new hall is comprised of twenty brightly colored yurts, which are portable tents originally used by nomads. Yurt...

Worst of 2017-2018: Greek Parties

Winston Weigand, The Fart You Shouldn't Have Trusted

May 3, 2018


Filed under Humor

Sigma Chi’s “Ball and Chain” where partygoers gave 20 minute presentations on the grim reality of for-profit prisons Beta Theta Pi’s “March Mattress Blowout Sale” where empty beds were auctioned off to partygoers Kappa Kappa Gamma’s “Mrs. Whitman” which no one showed up to bec...

Local Man/Hero Sings Along to ‘N’ Word, Checks to See if Nearby POC Heard

Annelise Ellingboe, Toddler Driver

April 26, 2018


Filed under Humor

FRAT BASEMENT, GREEKEND, 2018 — Amidst costumed sorority women and drunk fraternity men, a local white boy sang along to the N-word during a particularly bumpin’ play of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” After some anxious glances to nearby people of color, it appeared that his slip up heroically...

In Awesome Display of Solidarity, Men are Sharing Unsolicited Dick Pics with Each Other

Winston Weigand, Pole Dancer at the Mos Eisley Cantina

April 26, 2018


Filed under Humor

If there is one thing that every single human being can agree on, it’s that receiving an unsolicited picture of a man’s penis is by and far the greatest thing ever. These pictures, fondly referred to as “dick pics,” have established millions of romantic relationships and ended exactly zero. In...

How to Get The Classes You Didn’t Get During Registration

Ann Karneus, Kann Arneus

April 26, 2018


Filed under Humor

Registration is hectic for everyone, and I know especially for underclassmen that it’s almost impossible to get all of the classes you want. You put yourself on the waitlist, you frantically email the prof for consent, but sometimes it’s still just not enough to get that perfect schedule. Unless...

Encounters Curriculum Shakedown!

Anthony Reale, Satan with a Lisp

April 26, 2018


Filed under Humor

A whirlwind of hate hit the Encounters program in the face this year, bringing the controversial program under fire yet again.  Criticisms included the classic “I don’t know how to write still and I’m a senior,” the annoying “I didn’t get the grade I wanted so let’s make it retroactively...

Non-Murderers Plan for the Purge

Clara Wheeler, Celebrity Look-alike

April 19, 2018


Filed under Humor

Mark your calendars, folks, it’s that time of the year again! The scent of blood is in the air, weird animal Halloween masks are on sale, and Home Alone style security measures come back into popularity. That’s right, it’s Purge season! For those of you unaware of this new policy, all crime (includin...

6 Tips for Improving Your Self-Sabotage Skills this Spring

Annelise Ellingboe, Toothpick-to-the-Stars

April 19, 2018


Filed under Humor

Day drink Drunk classes are way more fun. Plus, that way, the hangover kicks in right when you would do your homework, which will make it virtually impossible to do! Skip class Ah, an oldie but a goodie. Need I say more? Stop wearing sunscreen Don’t believe the scienc...

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