Whitman Wire

Lactose intolerant first year spends 50% of semester on toilet

Rachel Husband, This is NOT Autobiographical May 6, 2021

One first year, who wished to remain unnamed because it’s none of your fucking business, has reported spending half of the semester on various toilets around campus.  Lactose intolerance occurs when...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Five things that you can do with your money instead of tipping at the Walla Walla Steak Company on April 17, 2021

Cade Schott, Journalist and not afraid of a little pee May 6, 2021

Several weeks ago it was reported that Kathy Murray failed to leave a tip after her dinner at the Walla Walla Steak Co. Below is a response to the backlash from the soon-to-be former president of Whitman...

Companies stake their claim on Whitman following Barnes and Noble bookstore purchase

Conor Bartol, stuck on roof trying to get frisbee, send help May 6, 2021

Barnes and Noble’s imminent takeover of the Whitman bookstore has “opened the floodgates” for companies that hope to make part of the school their own, inundating the Whitman administration with...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Students set themselves on fire in front of Memorial to protest spring break days

Lee Thomas, just some guy I guess May 6, 2021

Since the start of the semester, discussions have repeatedly arisen about the evident consequences of a reduced spring break. The vacation designed for getting blasted in Miami has been adapted to avoid...

Four celebrities poised to come out in more dramatic fashion than Lil’ Nas X

Sam Huston, really likes Tyler, The Creator April 29, 2021

With his spectacularly flamboyant and satanic music video, Lil’ Nas X has set a high bar for celebrities who wish to open up about their sexuality in dramatic fashion. Here are several others who have...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Whitman hosts “America’s Got Talent”-esque competition to choose next president

Conor Bartol, definitely not multiple ducks in a trenchcoat April 29, 2021

Following the announcement of President Kathy Murray’s retirement, Whitman will decide the new president via a thrilling “Whitman’s Got Talent” competition. The presidential search committee...

How to dress up for Hot Girl Summer while still attending classes

Lee Thomas, All around Bad B April 29, 2021

Things are heating up: the sun is out and the weather is hot, and students are finally able to show off their equally hot, hot bods. While there's no one style for college students to strive for, and while...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Remembering Prince Philip

Rachel Husband, A big fan of the Queen April 29, 2021

We, the Whitman community, would like to honor and remember Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and Baron Greenwich, Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Knight of the Most Ancient...

Walla Walla Walla: A review of the best dating apps to find threeway partners

Sam Huston, virgin, except for butt stuff April 22, 2021

With the majority of Whitman’s population beginning the vaccination process, students have been celebrating their bodies and antibodies. Some are aiming to make up for the quantity of coitus COVID isolation...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Duckling Do’s and Don’ts

Conor Bartol, Proud Time-Traveler since 2045 April 22, 2021

Spring has sprung and the ducklings have hatched! As we welcome a new generation of the most important creatures on campus, remember some simple rules for what to do, and what not to do, with our new...

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

How to rename a building on campus after yourself 

Rachel Husband , Rachel's Play Place April 22, 2021

Okay, so you’re not literally renaming a building on campus—that probably requires large sums of money and bribery. This approach costs no money and takes only guts, creativity and a little bit of...

An idol of competence: ASWC successfully curbs voter fraud

Cade Schott , journalist and literally the current ASWC Oversight Chair April 22, 2021

The results of ASWC’s 2021-22 Presidential election were released last week. Thanks to the work of this year’s Oversight Chair (who humbly chose to be unnamed) it was totally free of fraudulent voting;...

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