Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

How to gently tell your friend their pornstache sucks

Carmel Stephan, good with feelings March 9, 2023

The common Whitman scenario: your friend grew a beard in the first semester and didn’t shave said beard until winter break. Instead of shaving the entire beard off, they left a medium-sized caterpillar...

A review of RenFaire’s Murder Mystery

Samantha Fitts, Better than you March 9, 2023

The annual RenFaire Murder Mystery happened this past weekend, and I got to say, it was quite a doozy. Joining the wealthy Asino family once again, there was, unsurprisingly, another murder (they really...

5 great tips to keep the ghouls away

Ian Lewis, only a little buzzed March 9, 2023

I know what you’re thinking: “How do I avoid the ghouls?” If there’s any singular problem which haunts this nation, it’s the ghouls. You are assaulted by them every single day, whether they’re...

Illustration by Holly VanVoorhis.

An interview with Ben Shapiro’s cosmetic surgeon

Rachel Husband, in Canada for a boob job March 9, 2023

Ben Shapiro, a silly little conservative man with a podcast, is in the news (trending on TikTok) again because one person clicked on his livestream and noticed that his lips were an abnormal size and shape...

WCTS to hire black magic pest control to fight off my.whitman bug

Lee Thomas, Chrome user with so many fun extensions March 9, 2023

After nearly an entire academic year of struggling with a persistent bug terrorizing Chrome and Edge browsers trying to access my.whitman.edu, Whitman College's Technology Services (WCTS) has resorted...

Whitman announces new, worse housing to make the rest seem better

Ian Lewis, unsure if North counts as off-campus housing March 2, 2023

In what comes as a disappointment to supporters of living in places that are nice, Whitman Residence Life has announced that, rather than attempt to address concerns about current present housing options,...

Jimmy Carter locked in duel with Ronald Reagan’s evil spirit

Rachel Husband, trapped in a bathroom stall March 2, 2023

America’s second favorite peanut farmer, behind Planters Baby Nut, and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter is now in hospice care in his home in Plains, Georgia. Carter has undergone...

Illustration by M Hu.

AirPod gremlin found with 196 various collected pods and cases

Lee Thomas, Naked and afraid March 2, 2023

This week, Whitman Security uncovered a treasure trove of listening devices inside a tree outside of Olin Hall. A total of 36 wired earbuds, six wireless headphones, 68 loose left earbuds, 54 loose...

Illustration by Alicia Buchter.

Best ways to indicate wealth for spring break

Grace Canny, definitely not compensating for anything March 2, 2023

So you’re wondering how best to display your upper-middle class wealth over spring break? Here are three ways that you can get everyone thinking you are really cool -  like so awesome - they definitely...

Illustration by Kai Bowen

Wēpa gains sentience

Ian Lewis, loyal servant of our printer overlords February 23, 2023

To the shock of the Whitman community and science at large, Wepa has gained sentience and become aware of its own existence.  While the exact circumstances of the cloud-based campus printing service's...

Whitman introduces “Human Evil” major concentration

Lee Thomas, Anti-Lee Thomas Advocate February 23, 2023

This week, Whitman College unveiled its newly approved academic concentration in Human Evil. After nine months of collaboration across departments, the concentration invites students of any major to approach...

Three easy college meals inspired by CoHo cooks

Grace Canny, this article is dedicated to Paloma Link February 23, 2023

You know and love them: CoHo cooks. Whitman’s own three aspiring chefs, creating a daring blend of flavors from Omaha, Seattle and Encitas. @coho_cooks on Instagram has risen to fame among the burgeoning...

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