George Groebner, mild-mannered alter ego
• November 16, 2023
After being eluded for months, Whitman Security has finally apprehended the Sign Switcher, the shadowy mischief-maker responsible for the replacement of campus signs with other campus signs. Interrogation...
Carmel Stephan, Psychological analyst
• November 16, 2023
For those who may not know, there is a magical thing called the enneagram, and it categorizes all personalities into 9 types. Fill this out and you’ll discover your enneagram type!
1. I...
Grace Canny, cranberry jelly lover
• November 16, 2023
The week we get off at the end of November always comes at the right time: when you are literally falling apart. So why would anyone want to spend one of those precious days traversing the harrowing...
Someone should fire me, and preferably a man.
I initially applied as a humor writer for The Wire with the aim of joining the feminist cause, challenging the long-running stereotype that women aren’t...
Carmel Stephan, I’m talking about your dad
• November 9, 2023
Hashtags on TikTok cemented the phrase “teenage girls in their 20s” to describe the current 2000s trends of low rise jeans, Twilight core and the Jonas Brothers going back on tour. But you know what...
My evenings typically begin with my daily trek across Ankeny towards Cleve. The sun is setting, the ducks are quacking and unbeknownst to me, a frisbee comes hurling towards my head with a sweaty player...
Grace Canny, artist (officially fulfilled my art distribution)
• November 9, 2023
If you take a walk around campus, you might see a lot of bikes. If you keep walking around campus, you might see a lot of bikes without tires. And if you looked in my garage, you might see it full...
George Groebner, fastest draw in the southeast central Pacific Northwest
• November 9, 2023
“What’s cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!”
–Andre 3000
As Whitman finds itself in the throes of the seemingly implacable freeze ray trend, Mr. 3000’s poignant words take on...
Grace Canny, I know my business here
• November 2, 2023
On Nov. 1st, she arrived at Penrose Library’s front desk in a haggard state. She smelled like she’d been soaking in Enlighten Mint Yerba Mate and her hand was reflexively curled in perfect 0.5...
George Groebner, incapable of pronouncing “foie gras”
• November 2, 2023
Last week, cryptic signs outside Cleve heralded a new local food sourcing program, promising “scintillating flavors,” “dynamic nutrition upgrades” and “serious ethical quandaries in every...
Meghan Kearney, Unaffiliated Pessimist
• November 2, 2023
Whitman students, who once held emotionally-driven conversations ranging from weather to politics, have recently adopted apathetic stances courtesy of Cancel Culture. Disagreements that were once common...
Editor's Note: Due to ongoing legal concerns this article has been heavily redacted. However, in the interest of informing the public, we have chosen to print it with these redactions. We trust our readers...
