Whitman Wire

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Mario instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, Single (X) Taken (X) Gamer(?) October 7, 2021

The internet cried out on the Sept. 23 2021, when Nintendo announced that Chris Pratt would be the starring voice in the Super Mario Bros movie. There is obviously one major problem with this casting:...

Introducing Whitman’s new mascot: Perry the Possum

Ben Kearney, Contracted Rabies While Writing This Article October 7, 2021

After weeks of deliberation, Whitman has decided on decapitating the missionaries and turning the Blues' frown upside down in favor of a fresh, new and drippy mascot to increase enrollment for the class...

Little Lad who likes Berries and Cream announced as special guest for campus dance workshop

Carmel Stephan, Could go for some berries and cream October 7, 2021

September’s biggest Tik Tok sensation, The Little Lad who likes berries and cream will be coming to Whitman for a workshop in body form and character building. Jack Fervor, the little lad themself, is...

Students share concepts for improving Cleveland Commons

Students share concepts for improving Cleveland Commons

Lee Thomas, Lee Thomas's clone October 7, 2021

Cleveland Commons is back in full swing, with reusable dishes, indoor seating and the beautiful salad bar all available again. And yet, one cannot go a day without hearing someone complain in some...

5 ways to find players for your tabletop campaign if talking to people scares you

Sammy Fitts, Pining for the female-presenting Maxey Demon September 30, 2021

You want to join a Dungeons & Dragons game but no one wants you. Well, you’ve never asked anyone to join, but no one’s approached you which 100% means no one wants you. So you do what everyone...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Non-PNW Residents, here’s your guide to rain

Ben Kearney, It’s raining from your tears September 30, 2021

Okay you newbies, listen up. Obviously if you’re new to the beautiful Pacific Northwest, then you know it gets wet and no I don’t mean from sex. Yes, it does rain a lot here. But don’t freak out,...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

V-Nord Improv’s return countered by heckler group

Conor Bartol, A Serious Goose September 30, 2021

Campus was delighted recently by the return of the improv group Varsity Nordic (better known as V-Nord) to in-person shows. However, every light casts a shadow, and as they returned, so too did their sinister...

The Nail Clipper: Origins

Carmel Stephan, Bona Fide journalist September 30, 2021

In the dead of night, as the last raven has settled from its flight, they lurk out of sight: The Nail Clipper. Climbing up brick and ivy, through your window they come sliding. Taking off your slippers...

Pumpkin pandemonium: 5 new pumpkin items you just have to try!

Ben Kearney, Your friendly neighborhood pumpkin analyzer September 23, 2021

Hey all you fall lovers out there! That’s right, it’s pumpkin season baby! Whether you take your pumpkin basic, or like to spice it up, there’s a variety of new pumpkin items just waiting...

Horses demand their dewormer from anti-vaxxers

Conor Bartol, Ass-half of the two-person horse costume September 23, 2021

Misinformation, conspiracy theories, pseudoscience: the effort to vaccinate Americans against COVID-19 has faced a lot of hurdles, least of which is some people’s propensity to turn toward untested “treatments”...

Auntie Lee’s Advice: for the embarrassed student

Lee Thomas, awake for the last 48 hours September 23, 2021

Dear Auntie Lee,  I'm a first-year student at Whitman, and these last few weeks were rough. I already feel I've ruined my future here because of all the embarrassment I've caused myself recently. I...

A brief review of James Corden’s crimes against humanity

Carmel Stephan, Peter Rabbit, in the flesh September 23, 2021

James Kimberley Corden, Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, is neither a jack or master of any trade, yet Hollywood still suckles off his chapped teat like a newborn kitten. This...

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