Whitman Wire

Student left bedridden after eating Smash Burgers for five straight weeks

Conor Bartol, Old-timey Carnival Barker March 4, 2021

A student has been confined to bed rest after eating the same meal every day since they arrived to campus. This student had been eating nothing but the Smash Burgers available at Cleveland Commons, a meal...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Most Marxist footwear: Chacos, Birks or Blunds?

Sam Huston, Barefoot Enthusiast March 4, 2021

It is said that the feet of the haute bourgeoisie are the quickest to walk towards revolution. But what exactly adorns these feet when they tramp around Whitman campus? This question lies in the heart...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Student forced to quarantine after one night stand

Cade Schott, Journalist and just the right amount of teeth March 4, 2021

News that Anderson Hall was in lockdown sent a wave of apprehension over campus. However, the news was likely the scariest for Fryan Inerk, a sophomore economics major, who slithered into the dorm for...

Student still getting away with pretending not to know how Canvas works

Lee Thomas, Closeted Cannibal March 4, 2021

Canvas has been a part of technology at Whitman for some time now, but with the recent overwhelming necessity for online courses and submission methods, interaction with Canvas has increased exponentially....

Report: Snowman kinda hot?

Cade Schott, Journalist and front of the horse costume February 25, 2021

Walla Walla has turned into a Winter Wonderland receiving several feet of snow in the past week. Many Whitman students took to their front lawns and engaged in the delightful task of building a snowman....

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Whitties start betting on which hall will be quarantined next

Conor Bartol, Oatmeal Enthusiast February 25, 2021

Following last week’s quarantine of Anderson Hall, some enterprising Whitman students have attempted to turn a profit by creating an underground gambling ring based on residence hall lockdowns. The...

Four things Whitman College didn’t tell me on move-in day

Rachel Husband, Too Tired to Title Myself February 25, 2021

In the college’s efforts to follow COVID-19 protocol and open campus safely, they neglected to actually orient first year students to campus. A lot was going on for the college, what with the pandemic...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Study suggests masks cause gingivitis — proving too many of you fools are nasty

Lee Thomas, "Evolved" Ape February 25, 2021

Dentists are overwhelmed by the influx of patients complaining of teeth hailing from their mouths like COVID-19-laden droplets. A national survey conducted this month exposes a correlation between mask...

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Possible COVID exposure more enticing than continued cohabitation with parents

Lee Thomas, COVID-apologist February 18, 2021

Back when we were reasonably fearful of Corona, freshman and sophomores alike rushed home, attempting to flee the dreaded illness. Now, these same students have flocked back to Whitman — and back to...

Amidst financial woes, Whitman criticized for spending on outfits for ducks

Conor Bartol, Fastest Pun in the West February 18, 2021

While grappling with financial instability, Whitman College is facing criticism for creating a program to make tiny clothes for the ducks in Lakum Duckum. In a statement released by the College, President...

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

Kathy Murray designates Young Republicans Club as anarchist organization

Sam Huston, shoulder pads are kinda cute February 18, 2021

This past Saturday’s student activities fair was a raucous event by any standards, prompting an email from President Kathy Murray. There were a few new faces at the fair, most notably a “Young Republicans...

Athletes breaking COVID restrictions forced to work on Whitman Athletics Wine

Rachel Husband, Lower Back Issue February 15, 2021

In the recent Financial Sustainability Review (FSR), the Athletics Department recommended marketing a Whitman Athletics branded wine as a tool for generating revenue. Due to tomfoolery within the administration,...

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