Whitman Wire

Illustration by Paloma Link.

Too old to goof around, too young to be square: walking the tightrope of silliness

Conor Bartol, on “real thin ice, buddy” May 12, 2022

I see people in the street and they say to me, “Conor! It must be nice, living life as a devil-may-care humor writer for the illustrious publication The Whitman Wire! Surely your profession must...

Whitman majors as Biological phyla

Rachel Husband, Can I spit on you? Sorry, that's my STEM elitism talking May 12, 2022

If you know me, then you know I’m an ES-Bio major recently diagnosed with mental illness, I abhor the discipline of sociology and I only believe in sticking to themes at the MET gala. Here are my rankings...

Illustration by Astrid Ketcham.

In between presidents: Kathy Murray v. Sarah Bolton

Rachel Husband, Yes, it's me again May 12, 2022

Here’s the truth: I am deeply saddened to see Kathy Murray leave Whitman College. She brought me fame, a weensy fortune and a wealth of joy in my time as a humor writer and editor for The Wire.  I’ve...

BPK’s Guide to Surviving Being a Third Wheel

Ben Kearney, Been Third Wheeling since I was Two Years Old May 12, 2022

Alright all you lonely hearts club members, the time has come to put you in the spotlight. No, it’s not a ticket onto Love Island, wouldn’t we all love that. But as someone that has been stuck between...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

On the Ethics of Stealing from Parties

Beth Kutina, Self-diagnosed with sticky fingers syndrome May 12, 2022

Ladies, we’ve all been there. A house party. The sweaty bodies bumping into you as you try to dance to the third Grateful Dead song of the night. Your stomach gurgles, the Cleveland Commons veggie...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Kathy Murray destitute as Sarah Bolton moves in early

Grace Canny, North Hall Morgue Cadaver May 5, 2022

Well folks, it finally happened, Kathy’s reign has come to an end. Sarah Bolton blew into town with the fervor of a Walla Walla tumbleweed on a windy day and quickly instituted some regime changes....

Illustration by Astrid Ketcham.

Whitman College reconsiders new Culinary major as kitchen fires rampage across campus

Lee Thomas, Crying profusely May 5, 2022

This spring has been a new dawn for Whitman's wannabe Chef Jons, as the Board introduced the first culinary class as a trial for the upcoming Culinary major. The major was devised partly to expand...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

No summer plans? Here’s some good last-minute options

Conor Bartol, So long, farewell, you see later, alligator May 5, 2022

Are you struggling to figure out what the hell to do over summer? Haven’t gotten into the internships or jobs you applied for and are searching for something, anything, to fill your time? Terrified...

Two weeks left: Should you make a new friend?

Carmel Stephan, I have friends mom, I promise May 5, 2022

With the semester spiraling into what feels like endless tests, papers, furrowed brows and (surprise!) COVID-19 cases, it is almost time to say goodbye to the 2021-22 academic year. Oh, what a year. Due...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Plant mom arrested for triple plantslaughter

Lee Thomas, go drink some water April 28, 2022

New details are emerging surrounding the case of the local woman who has been charged with killing her three children. The bodies of six-year-old succulent, three-year-olds snake plant and 9-month-old...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Major ASWC election voter fraud ring uncovered

Conor Bartol, Forming a Super PAC and needs contributions April 28, 2022

Scandal struck the Associated Students of Whitman College after the discovery of a vast voter fraud scheme in the recent election. The fraud appears not to favor any one candidate, but rather was meant...

Covid restrictions return, nobody could have seen this coming

Sammy Fitts, prophet, apparently April 28, 2022

We only got a couple of weeks of normalcy before Kathy Murray whipped out her mask mandate and slapped us across the face with it. That unprecedented time when everyone’s phones started ringing at once...

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