Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

No Nut November front-runner exposed for performance-enhancing drugs

Lee Thomas, Existentialism in the front, absurdism in the back November 17, 2022

This week, leading No Nut November (NNN) competitor Michael "Mike" Okhard was kicked off the leaderboard after a blood test revealed he was using performance-enhancing steroids, such as fluoxetine and...

No-fail fun and funky fall crafts

Conor Bartol, Running with scissors (in defiance of the laws of God and man) November 17, 2022

Are you plagued by inadequacy in the kitchen? Do you wield a turkey baster with the same finesse as a garden hose? Are you unable to contribute to a Thanksgiving feast with culinary skill? Fret not!...

RA manages to recruit new RA and free self from curse

Ian Lewis, Walking wounded November 17, 2022

  In a small win for Resident Assistants (RAs) everywhere, a Stanton Hall RA has managed to convince a resident to become a new RA. This thereby frees her from the ancient blood curse trapping...

The definitive answer to when you can listen to holiday music

The definitive answer to when you can listen to holiday music

Carmel Stephan, The Grinch November 17, 2022

November is upon us, and with its arrival, comes the age-old question: when is it appropriate to start listening to winter holiday music? Some eccentrics begin listening the second September rolls...

North Hall still exists, apparently

Ian Lewis, resident resident November 10, 2022

To the shock of the entire Whitman community, The Wire can now confirm, after months of diligent research, that it appears that North Hall still exists. Despite Whitman sources being “pretty sure”...

Illustration by Megan Suka.

Counseling Center offers support group for students encountering professors outside campus

Lee Thomas, Currently avoiding multiple professors November 10, 2022

Students-Outside-Observing-Professors Therapy, Encouragement and Affinity (SOOP TEA) is the Whitman Counseling Center's newest support group. It is designed to address the difficulties experienced by students...

Guide to psychoanalyzing your professor’s office

Grace Canny, Psychoanalysis extraordinaire November 10, 2022

I know we’ve all been there in office hours. You are looking around like a fish out of water trying to take it all in. You say you’ll just steal glances here and there, but in reality, your eyes wander...

Illustration by M Hu.

Spoiler alert: there are no bears in the play “bare”

Conor Bartol, Bearly There November 10, 2022

My "bare" review in brief: I can barely bear the lack of bears in "bare." I have only myself to blame. When I reviewed a sneak preview of the new school play, "bare," I was expecting something of...

Studies link the usage of “daddy” to early-onset Dad Syndrome

Lee Thomas, CBS Survivor champion of 2009 November 3, 2022

Medical researchers at Zeus University uncovered a correlation between sexual partners using "daddy" and early-onset Dad Syndrome.  "It's a national epidemic," head scientist of the study, Dr. Himbo,...

Study shows that everyone actually is judging you, specifically

Ian Lewis, not replaced by thirty garden gnomes November 3, 2022

After weeks of careful analysis, polling and investigative journalism, The Wire can now confirm that you, the reader of this article, are being judged by everybody. For years, you’ve been under the...

Tragedy: cool, artsy guy actually just an econ major

Tragedy: cool, artsy guy actually just an econ major

Grace Canny, not much better than an econ major (politics) November 3, 2022

The tension was there from the beginning; he sat on the second tier in Olin 201, while you sat on the third. You noticed his style: weather appropriate footwear and interesting doodles. On top of all...

Photo by Oliver Baltzer.

“Rocky Horror” fucked (A recap)

Samantha Fitts, very drunk (hungover) November 3, 2022

Writer’s note: Below is the somewhat redacted recap for "Rocky Horror" I actually wrote while wasted that night. Anything in (parenthesis) or [square brackets] is my current, very hungover, edits...

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