Whitman Wire

Non-Murderers Plan for the Purge

Clara Wheeler, Celebrity Look-alike

April 19, 2018


Filed under Humor

Mark your calendars, folks, it’s that time of the year again! The scent of blood is in the air, weird animal Halloween masks are on sale, and Home Alone style security measures come back into popularity. That’s right, it’s Purge season! For those of you unaware of this new policy, all crime (includin...

6 Tips for Improving Your Self-Sabotage Skills this Spring

Annelise Ellingboe, Toothpick-to-the-Stars

April 19, 2018


Filed under Humor

Day drink Drunk classes are way more fun. Plus, that way, the hangover kicks in right when you would do your homework, which will make it virtually impossible to do! Skip class Ah, an oldie but a goodie. Need I say more? Stop wearing sunscreen Don’t believe the scienc...

Whitman Senior Fund Takes Sexy Turn

Anthony Reale, Guy Fieri's Son

April 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

After multiple weeks of being ignored, receiving negative emails and fielding various incohesive threats, the Senior Fund Committee has pulled out all the stops.  Last Tuesday, the Senior Fund Streetwalkers will be unleashed across Whitman's campus. "No one was giving us what we need, so we decided...

Falafel Brothels, Man, That’s Where It’s At

Rebecca Gluck, Mother Glucker

April 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

Since manufacturers recalled the Easy-Bake Oven, humans have been searching for something to replace the hole in their hearts that they thought could only be filled by pink baking racks and rock-hard muffins. They thought they found it in Silly Bandz, but the satisfaction of having random shapes cut off...

Spring Visitors’ Day Catfished Me

Ann Karneus, Calls It Like It Is

April 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

We all know those idyllic, sunny photos of students hanging out on Ankeny that saturate Whitman’s website, brochures and very popular Instagram page. But most outsiders aren’t aware that this is a LIE! This imagery completely erases the brutal fall and winter months that comprise the majority of...

87 Percent of Students Crumbling Before Our Very Eyes

Annelise Ellingboe, Butt Munch

April 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

Tuesday, 12:47 a.m.: At least twelve-hundred Whitman students have spontaneously turned to sand over the last two weeks. As papers and tests pile up, the confusing phenomenon has ravaged the campus, leaving stressed students afraid that they, too, will crumble. The most recent case has shaken close ...

Tree Near Jewett Looking Forward to Smelling like Shit Again

Clara Wheeler, Conspiracy Theorist

April 5, 2018


Filed under Humor

The weather is warming up, people are getting hit in the head with frisbees and hammock cocoons are popping up all over campus. But nobody is more excited about the upcoming warmer spring weather than the ginkgo tree near Jewett that smells like shit. “I finally get to start growing my leaves again,...

Wanted: One Ripe Young Safeway Shopper

Clara Wheeler, Member of SMGS W^2

April 5, 2018


Filed under Humor

Have you thought about playing the game Monopoly? I don’t mean the silly little board game that’s for children, I mean the real life, high-stakes, in-it-to-win-it Safeway Monopoly. Well, if you’re finally ready to commit to a badass grocery shopping crew, then look no further because we’re looking...

The Secret Life of the American Gaymer

Winston Weigand, The Dragonslayer

April 5, 2018


Filed under Humor

My name’s Winston. For the most part, my life is totally normal. I have a family that I actively ignore, a rash that I’m too embarrassed to tell my doctor about and then there’s my friends. We do everything friends do: we drink way too much goat blood while gorging on Tide pods. So, I’m just...

History Department to Fill Vacancy with Software

Chris Hankin, Handkerchief's Son

April 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

Having tried unsuccessfully for two years to convince administration that students at a Liberal Arts school need to learn twentieth century American history, the department is experimenting with digital alternatives. ProfessorBot is a program that simulates the pedagogy and knowledge of a Princeton PH...

Student Production Droopy Drawers is a Delightful Tour De Force

Maude Lustig, Yegg

March 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

First time playwright Andrew Gladwell made a splash in Whitman’s theater community with the premiere of his original play Droopy Drawers. The play centers around young man Peter as his attempts to achieve success in his career and love life are foiled by his inability to keep his pants from falling d...

New Hero Strikes Fear into the Heart of Productivity

Clara Wheeler, Binge Verb-er

March 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

With only two months left in the school year, the streets of Whitman College have become overrun with a nefarious foe: Productivity. Clubs are organizing events, professors are assigning essays and people are getting stuff done. Never fear, those who have yet to be struck by this enemy of entertainment,...

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