Whitman Wire

Again!? Fell Asleep With Both Socks On and Woke Up with Just One

Ashlyn Quintus, Professional Critic of Reid Cuisine

February 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

Another lively event has shaken, yet again, the campus of Whitman College. For the third time this week, a junior student has gone to bed with both socks certainly on their feet, but woken up with just one. The student stated, “I guess one of them just fell off in the middle of the night. I’m pretty...

Urban Dictionary Phased Out By Parent Company, To Be Replaced By Rural Thesaurus

Clara Wheeler, Southern Bell

February 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

You’ve heard of Urban Dictionary, but now it’s time to get ready for the newest trend in making the vernacular accessible to all – Rural Thesaurus. Rural Thesaurus offers thousands of new synonyms for our provincial pals to expand their vocabulary and for city folk to communicate better with them...

15 Things You Wouldn’t Expect To Not Do With a Corn Tortilla

Annie Stefanides, Girl with the Grey Streak

February 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

Be gluten free Slap your friends Cut into a doily for aesthetic reasons Soak up spilled liquids Take notes on in class Feed the ducks Use as a floaty device when your boat capsizes Tell all your darkest secrets to it Play a round of frisbee golf Wear as a crop-top to the party...

P&P Battens Down the Hatches as the White Feminists Approach, Rubbing their Hands Voraciously

Anthony Reale, Line Pusher

February 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

Power and Privilege faces yet again the onslaught of white feminists as the Symposium’s date approaches.  This problem, a yearly challenge for the planners of P&P, returns yet again in the form of Starbucks-wielding, social media-posting, pussy hat-wearing people.  The strength of white feminis...

Local Fuck-Buddies Forced to Define the Relationship after Gnarly Mid-Coital Fart

Annelise Ellingboe, Ergonomic Keyboard Mating Specialist

February 15, 2018


Filed under Humor

Saturday night, 11:00 p.m.-- After the fire alarm went off at Sig, two fuck buddies stumbled away to a Jewett room in hopes to find no-strings-attached fun on a carefree weekend night. However, a mid-coital fart suffocated their merriment, and forced them to discuss where their relationship was going....

I Have Never Peed My Pants and I Never Will!!!!!!!!!

Maude Lustig, Cereal Killer

February 15, 2018


Filed under Humor

I have never peed my pants, and I never will! Yessiree, this girl’s got excellent bladder control. I can go all day without a single leak. A lot of people are surprised when I tell them that. They say, “really, you’ve never peed your pants? Never?” as if somehow it’s normal to pee your pants. Actually,...

Uh-oh: Carry-on Crisis Cracks Criminal Crab’s Crisp ‘Calm’ Countenance

Winston Weigand, Future Survivor Contestant

February 15, 2018


Filed under Humor

On the morning of February 9, a large and very noisy disturbance was underway at the JFK airport in Queens, New York. Some witnesses reported hearing the commotion from hundreds of yards away, sitting in their cars in the arrivals lane and taking way too fucking long to get out and load their grandma’s...

NFL Player’s Neck Becomes Sentient and Escapes, Kills 73 Spectators

Annie Stefanides, Quiplash Master

February 15, 2018


Filed under Humor, I Didn't Bother to Pick My Category

Twas a dark and stormy Sunday evening in February, and all eyes were on the true super-heroes of America: the modern day football player. As the giant stallions galloped around the field, biceps bulging and neck veins popping, an evil force was brewing inside one of the players. All of a sudden, a loud...

Whitman Student Still Facing Backlash for Opening and Finishing an Entire Bag of Chips in the Quiet Room

Ashlyn Quintus, Good with Salads

February 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

After dinner on a seemingly regular Wednesday evening in Penrose Library, the normal hustle and bustle is accompanied with maximum side-chat and minimum work being completed in all realms of the campus’s favorite book castle, except for in the Penrose Quiet Room. How these studious specimens cong...

White Smoke Billows Out of the Climbing Gym; Crowds Eagerly Await Announcement of next Rock Pope

Anthony Reale, Mickey Shin's Cheez-It Fetish

February 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

The Whitman College climbing gym eagerly awaits the announcement of the Rock Pope after the characteristic white smoke and scent of armpits wafted out of the climbing gym Tuesday. This occurrence was met with a grand parade by the Sandalwearers, as the Climbing Clergy had been in deliberations for e...

Whitman unveils new Environmental Studies–Hypocrisy major to accommodate vegan, H&M-wearing students

Annelise Ellingboe, Hamburglar's Cousin

February 5, 2018


Filed under Humor

Thursday, 9 a.m.  PST Whitman College has officially unveiled its new major, Environmental Studies-Hypocrisy, in order to accommodate a growing population of ES students who wish to discuss environmental actions, but leave the solutions in the classroom. Sarah, a junior who has helped pioneer the ES-H m...

Whitman Releases New List of Pets Allowed in Dorms

Rebecca Gluck, Chewy

February 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

As many of us know, Whitman college does not allow pets–except for fish and small aquatic turtles–in residence halls. While fish are great listeners and turtles are fun to race, many of us find ourselves wishing for a more substantial pet to keep us company while watching the naked mile from our...

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