Cade Schott, Journalist and hanging on by a goddamn thread
• April 9, 2021
The senior committee, which is responsible for organizing the events meant to celebrate the culmination of the class of 2021’s time at Whitman, has made an interesting pivot in lieu of the usual in-person...
This past Wednesday, a Bon Appetit delivery van got stuck in Mill Creek, and the extraction efforts have blocked all supply pathways into Cleveland Commons. A 15-ton crane has been stationed directly...
Lee Thomas, Stuck in a chimney help
• April 9, 2021
We've got enough sidewalks. I'm sick of simply strolling to my philosophy class; I want to activate my lats by swinging to Olin like the dominant male gorilla king that I am. How else am I supposed to...
Conor Bartol, Starch Advocate for Potatoes
• April 9, 2021
Georgia lawmakers are facing intense criticism this week for another voter suppression bill. The last one was lambasted for being a tool to prevent people from voting, even going so far as to outlaw...
Cade Schott, Journalist and member of the ASWC Executive Council
• April 1, 2021
The 3.6 million dollar investment is meant to give students a fair shake at cutting the line in accordance with Washington State regulations and obtaining one of the extra vaccines at the Walla Walla...
Lee Thomas, NOT allergic to penicillin
• April 1, 2021
Waddle aside, duckies — there's a new gang on campus. Whitman continues its trailblazing environmentalist efforts by investing in farm-grown goats to mouth-mow to grass and eat away at the community's...
Conor Bartol, Be seeing you around
• April 1, 2021
Dear Readers,
We are sad to announce that, as of the publication of this week’s newspaper, The Wire will no longer exist. Shockingly, Jeff Bezos has purchased The Wire for a mere $15 and has chosen...
Rachel Husband, Alasdair and Ella Give Me More Money
• April 1, 2021
In the wake of extreme backlash following The Wire’s exposé on Kathy Murray’s recent trip to Mexico, the Whitman College President has come forward with an “apology” for her actions. To read up...
Lee Thomas, famous and attractive with many devoted fans
• March 25, 2021
Dear LT,
I’ll admit it: I actually like ASMR. It puts me to sleep, it relaxes me, AND it helps me study. But in Penrose Library, I spend more time paranoid about the people passing by and seeing what...
In an unprompted and unasked for turn of events, Whitman’s Physical Plant has made an addition to the Financial Sustainability Review’s budget cuts. The staff, led by grounds crew supervisor Steve...
Conor Bartol, Mac and Cheese Decryer
• March 25, 2021
The CDC has issued new vaccination guidelines following the hospitalization of a man known only as “Triple Threat” MacGyver. MacGyver apparently painted a target on his back and instructed doctors...
Rachel Husband, ex-Sheerio, loyal Directioner
• March 25, 2021
This is not a humor piece. Everything in this article is completely factual and really happened. Not only is this account true, but conscious concert-goers everywhere must be informed about the unethicality...
