Whitman Wire

my.Whitman ups its stalking potential by listing crush’s current location

Fielding Schaefer, Writer Of Real News

February 13, 2020

The my.Whitman portal has long been critically acclaimed across campus for its “Whitman search” function. If you’re a student attempting to recall a vaguely recognizable name that your friend is referring to, just look them up! Maybe even zoom in on their sweaty face from their first day of fr...

How to hang out with babies

How to hang out with babies

Maude Lustig, Loves To Watch You Leave

February 13, 2020

Most Whitman students are nowhere near ready to have a baby. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that our bodies are gross and horny, and if this was the Middle Ages we’d probably all have three little rascals by now (ugh, take me back!). Babies are everywhere so at a certain point it’s only reaso...

Why I’ve decided to press charges against the IMLeagues website

Ann Karneus

February 13, 2020

When I entered Whitman my freshman year, I heard about the exciting opportunity for club and intramural sports. It seemed like a sleek solution for those who wanted to play sports in a casual yet semi-competitive setting with their friends, so I immediately navigated to the website. However, when I ty...

Amazon announces plans to purchase Whitman College

Amazon announces plans to purchase Whitman College

Elise Sanders, Dictionary Memorizer

February 10, 2020

Walla Walla has been buzzing since Jeff Bezos and Kathy Murray signed an agreement to sell Whitman College to Amazon in order to increase funding for the school. The student body, however, is very divided on the issue. “I don’t know what this means for the college,” said sophomore Hope McAlister...

Stoner rediscovers water

Stoner rediscovers water

Maddie Ott, Devil On Wheels

February 6, 2020

After having spent 45 minutes staring at the textured ceiling in his room, Miles Thatcher – the long lost grandson of Margaret Thatcher – suddenly startled with a fright. Unaware of his vastly historical lineage, he was shocked that the sky outside had gone from being sunny and friendly to dark and ...

Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation

Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation

Annelise Ellingboe, Creature of Habit

February 6, 2020

As panic spreads about urgent issues like the coronavirus and the 2020 election, Facebook has vowed to decrease the spread of misinformation on the site. One of the first items on their to-do list is to remove all overly optimistic posts captioned “New Year, New Me!”  Facebook has yet to announce their official ...

Whitman administration frantically seeks solution as first-years drop out to pursue lucrative TikTok careers

Ann Karneus, TikTok CEO

February 6, 2020

Last week it was reported that 20 percent of first-years had withdrawn their enrollment from Whitman College over winter break, with most of these decisions citing the apparent lack of inspiration for professional TikTokers. Kaitlin Basser complained that as soon as she arrived on campus in August, she...

Kid who didn’t have cable growing up has slight superiority complex

Kid who didn’t have cable growing up has slight superiority complex

Ann Karneus, Dirty Dan

December 12, 2019

Comfortably sitting in the top 50th percentile of Whitman College, sophomore Michelle Fenley prides herself on her intellectual prowess and refined taste. Her secret? Not having cable growing up.  “I didn’t really like watching TV when I was a kid. I was much more content to read a book or go and ...

Student can’t wait to get out of class and get a head start on lying in bed

Student can’t wait to get out of class and get a head start on lying in bed

Ashlyn Quintus

December 12, 2019

Whitman junior Lena Jenkins was reported not being able to focus in her class, Rhetorical Bodies, due to all the work she has ahead of her. Finals season is upon the Whitman student body, and work beckons with a plethora of deadlines. Jenkins’s work includes (but is not limited to) two papers, a j...

First-year spontaneously combusts after saying something dumb in Encounters

Elise Sanders, Encounters Major

December 12, 2019

Last Wednesday, Professor Pluford’s Encounters class was met with disaster when student Taylor Brown spontaneously combusted in the middle of class after saying something really dumb, according to eyewitnesses. “I remember it happened at 11:25 in the morning,” student Joan Du Bois stated. ...

Stunning reveal: Adopt-a-Grandparent senior and their Whitman student are now dating!

Maddie Ott, Head Chef of Your Worst Nightmare

December 12, 2019

It’s been two weeks since Girdle Franny and her Whitman student friend, Karl Fiend, declared their love for each other. The cute couple started as mere platonic partners through Whitman’s Adopt-a-Grandparent program. When Karl first received his assignment, nobody realized how physically compati...

Kasey “Catfish” Joseph: Whitman’s Dean of Humans discovered using fake online profiles to stay in touch with student culture

Madeline Kemp, Miffed

December 5, 2019

The Dean of Humans humbly addressed the Whitman community over the weekend to apologize for the scandal caused by his use of false online identities. Throughout the fall, he created fake social media profiles, posing as students, to join class Facebook pages and listservs undetected. “I want to ass...

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