Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...
Ben Kearney, Checking my Emails constantly came in clutch
• November 18, 2021
An email leak from the Presidential Search Committee has accidentally revealed a surprise candidate in the race for Whitman's new president. While prospective applicants' identities were supposed to remain...
Carmel Stephan, Moonlights as a college student (my real job is refusing to make eye contact)
• November 18, 2021
It’s that time of year again: fall is fading into winter, Thanksgiving break is nearing, the semester’s workload is no longer just heating up, but blasting your face like a furnace installed in the...
This morning, twenty-three students came inside the Student Activities Center, protesting the recent cancellation of the Student Short Story Competition after 69 of the 70 submissions were revealed to...
Lee Thomas, indie kid sitting on a roof at night
• November 11, 2021
"People watch Squid Game and think they're experts in Korean TV. But I'm the expert. I've been watching K-dramas since the beginning of time."
This tweet from Twitter account @iheartkoreanbabes was...
Conor Bartol, Mild-Mannered "Reporter"
• November 11, 2021
Bike theft is one of the most heinous and deplorable crimes, a scourge plaguing the Whitman community. Every day, more bikes have their wheels stolen by nefarious ne'er-do-wells. However, a brave group...
Dear Leaf Blowers,
I write to you, mangled on the ground and far removed from my home tree, as a result of your treachery. But before I start, I would like first and foremost for you to know that I...
Sammy Fitts, Christmas starts on November 1st
• November 11, 2021
Ahh, Thanksgiving. Once you get past the acknowledgement of genocide and dehumanizing lies of friendship and betrayal; it’s a holiday about family and appreciation. I mean that’s what you’re giving...
Ben Kearney, Not your chalk V-Nord, but keep up the good work!
• November 4, 2021
Lin Manuel Miranda has done it again folks, he’s written another goddamn musical. And this time, he’s promising it’s the best thing since sliced bread.
Written in a back-breaking 69 hours, “Chalk...
Carmel Stephan, Has never been out of Character
• November 4, 2021
Students all around campus have taken to calling their failed midterms ‘performance art.’ As a great connoisseur of the absurd and abstract (see my 10th grade short film commenting on Neo-Dadaism)...
Conor Bartol, This is my farewell
• November 4, 2021
Dearest Readers and Legions of Adoring Fans,
I’m afraid this will be my final article for the Wire. I regret to inform you that, earlier today, in an attempt to recapture the bygone whimsy of...
Sammy Fitts, Feminist But In The Way Men Think It Means
• November 4, 2021
As a Wire funny girl, I make the reader, that’s you, release a haha or maybe a hehe. I do this by telling fictitious jaunts through the recesses of my concerning mind, usually about monster fucking....
