Whitman Wire

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Sammy Fitts, Assigned to Butter Your Muffin. December 9, 2021

Whitman’s annual holiday party was wrought with many problems, but none was more devastating than the Christian outrage caused by events which occurred on Ankeny field. And no, I’m not talking about...

Illustration by Shasta Soles.

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Lee Thomas, sexy even without a mustache December 9, 2021

This week, the College released a statement banning all future White Elephant and Secret Santa events organized for students in response to an actual elephant running rampant across campus. Residence...

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Ben Kearney, Not so holly jolly now December 9, 2021

A traditional Whitman holiday party went off the rails last week, with blame falling heavily on the former child star Macaulay Culkin. In an attempt to “up the holiday spirit,” Nancy Mitchell, retiring...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Carmel Stephan, does NOT have a thing for feet December 9, 2021

'Twas the night before break and inside the campus was a feast of such splendor eyes bulged out of their canthus. A fire was lit and crackled with laughter, festive music played and on the tv was Shrek...

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Conor Bartol, Takes great satisfaction telling people “see you next year!” on December 31st December 9, 2021

Editor’s Note: Recently, a group of 3-2 engineering students built their own snow machine as a pre-winter solstice celebration project. They activated it on the Reid lawn, hoping for snowball fights...

Whitman alters COVID protocol

Conor Bartol, Used car lot inflatable wavy noodle understudy December 2, 2021

Following students’ return to campus after break, Whitman has announced several changes in COVID protocol. Following “recent federal guidelines and recommendations,” these rules are going into effect...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Apollo Del Belvedere renamed Apollo Del BelleDelphine as internet celebrity buys famous statue

Sammy Fitts, Selling bathwater at www.pleaseimdesperate.com December 2, 2021

Nov. 22 2021 Actress and Youtuber Belle Delphine purchased the Apollo Del Belvedere from the Vatican Palace, a statue portraying the Greco-Roman god Apollo famous for being used by white supremacists...

Reinstatement of the “Big Bang” Act

Ben Kearney, Is this even legal? December 2, 2021

Signed into effect by the Board Of Trustees at 6:09a.m., Nov. 25, 2021. Purpose & History On Sept. 12 2017, the Board of Trustees authorized the ban of all fireworks across Whitman College...

Pete Davidson provides conclusive evidence that funny people are most fuckable

Rachel Husband, Writing against the will of God December 2, 2021

Pete Davidson, comedian, SNL star and talking blond bag of tattooed weasels, has recently confirmed his relationship with socialite and businesswoman Kim Kardashian, reaffirming the widespread conception...

Illustration by Paloma Link.

A case against animals as gifts

Lee Thomas, the Evil Lee Thomas December 2, 2021

As we enter the gift giving season and start pondering what to hurriedly stuff in a box for our loved ones, something that purrs or barks may come to mind as a possible option. It's so convenient and hassle-free...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Garfield instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, “White Introverted Raunchy E-Girl” Writer November 18, 2021

Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...

Illustration by Shasta Sholes.

Email leak reveals surprise candidate for Whitman’s new president

Ben Kearney, Checking my Emails constantly came in clutch November 18, 2021

An email leak from the Presidential Search Committee has accidentally revealed a surprise candidate in the race for Whitman's new president. While prospective applicants' identities were supposed to remain...

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