Whitman Wire

Senior Committee defends COVID-themed gifts for graduating seniors

Cade Schott, Journalist and hanging on by a goddamn thread April 9, 2021

The senior committee, which is responsible for organizing the events meant to celebrate the culmination of the class of 2021’s time at Whitman, has made an interesting pivot in lieu of the usual in-person...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Bon Appetit van stuck in Mill Creek, Cleveland supply chain crumbles

Sam Huston, truly loves saltines April 9, 2021

This past Wednesday, a Bon Appetit delivery van got stuck in Mill Creek, and the extraction efforts have blocked all supply pathways into Cleveland Commons. A 15-ton crane has been stationed directly...

Op-Ed: Three ways Whitman should encourage student gainz

Lee Thomas, Stuck in a chimney help April 9, 2021

We've got enough sidewalks. I'm sick of simply strolling to my philosophy class; I want to activate my lats by swinging to Olin like the dominant male gorilla king that I am. How else am I supposed to...

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Georgia voter suppression bill reaching new lows

Conor Bartol, Starch Advocate for Potatoes April 9, 2021

Georgia lawmakers are facing intense criticism this week for another voter suppression bill. The last one was lambasted for being a tool to prevent people from voting, even going so far as to outlaw...

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

ASWC purchases a Bat Signal-like device alerting students to extra vaccine availability

Cade Schott, Journalist and member of the ASWC Executive Council  April 1, 2021

The 3.6 million dollar investment is meant to give students a fair shake at cutting the line in accordance with Washington State regulations and obtaining one of the extra vaccines at the Walla Walla...

Whitman sustainability team employs goats for campus maintenance

Lee Thomas, NOT allergic to penicillin April 1, 2021

Waddle aside, duckies — there's a new gang on campus. Whitman continues its trailblazing environmentalist efforts by investing in farm-grown goats to mouth-mow to grass and eat away at the community's...

The Wire sold to Jeff Bezos

Conor Bartol, Be seeing you around  April 1, 2021

Dear Readers, We are sad to announce that, as of the publication of this week’s newspaper, The Wire will no longer exist. Shockingly, Jeff Bezos has purchased The Wire for a mere $15 and has chosen...

Illustration by Nicholas Rogers.

Kathy Murray opens up about Cancun “business trip”: The sequel

Rachel Husband, Alasdair and Ella Give Me More Money April 1, 2021

In the wake of extreme backlash following The Wire’s exposé on Kathy Murray’s recent trip to Mexico, the Whitman College President has come forward with an “apology” for her actions. To read up...

Advice for the closeted fan of ASMR

Lee Thomas, famous and attractive with many devoted fans March 25, 2021

Dear LT, I’ll admit it: I actually like ASMR. It puts me to sleep, it relaxes me, AND it helps me study. But in Penrose Library, I spend more time paranoid about the people passing by and seeing what...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Grounds crew adds plan to “cut costs and trees” to 2021-22 budget

Sam Huston, decidedly deciduous March 25, 2021

In an unprompted and unasked for turn of events, Whitman’s Physical Plant has made an addition to the Financial Sustainability Review’s budget cuts. The staff, led by grounds crew supervisor Steve...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

CDC PSA: Do not use COVID-19 vaccines as throwing darts

Conor Bartol, Mac and Cheese Decryer March 25, 2021

The CDC has issued new vaccination guidelines following the hospitalization of a man known only as “Triple Threat” MacGyver. MacGyver apparently painted a target on his back and instructed doctors...

Inside the Ticketmaster Hack: Why your Ed Sheeran tickets are immoral

Rachel Husband, ex-Sheerio, loyal Directioner March 25, 2021

This is not a humor piece. Everything in this article is completely factual and really happened. Not only is this account true, but conscious concert-goers everywhere must be informed about the unethicality...

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