Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Duo Authentication Responsible for Existential Spiral

Grace Canny, not existential dread, not existential hope, but a secret third thing March 7, 2024

It’s just an average Tuesday in Welty Health Center, two patients with strep throat, one with norovirus, three-and-a-half with infected septum piercings and 25 students stuck in an existential spiral...

Illustration by Payton Davies

Sustainability win: all future editions of The Wire to be printed on Cleve napkins

George Groebner, fully biodegradable March 7, 2024

My fellow Whitties, In the days following spring break, change will be in the air. Clocks across the country will have sprung forward, sparking a projected 17 percent increase in yawning. Some students...

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

International Students Form Jet Lag Support Group

Arham Khan, I fly for 42 hours every summer March 7, 2024

In a groundbreaking move that has left the Whitman community buzzing, a group of international students has taken a bold step to address a common yet often overlooked issue: jet lag. The newly formed...

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Where are the Onions?

Meghan Kearney, going through onion withdrawals March 7, 2024

The moment a box of sweet onions arrived at my doorstep, seconds after I enrolled at Whitman, it felt like a sign that I was exactly where I belonged. As the scent of sweet onions filled my house and...

Banana by Coden Stark

Banana peels rain down on campus

George Groebner, potassium? I hardly know ‘em February 29, 2024

We thought we were safe. Those of us lucky enough to have been indoors when the heavens opened up and released the great yellow cascade were exhaling sighs of relief as the downpour began to lessen....

Whitman Security Trades Priuses for Power: Introducing the Lambo Patrol

Arham Khan, I watched Top Gear February 29, 2024

It was a dark night on Boyer. A student, identified only as CJ, was out tearing up the streets as usual. Hair slicked back, one arm on the wheel, CJ approached the bright red ‘Stop’ sign in his black...

Illustration by Paloma Link

The Greek Life Hunger Games

Will Lanstra, Katnice ever-dean? February 29, 2024

The cannon goes off! The Greek orgs rush towards the middle where the weapons are stashed. Phi picks up a tennis racket. TKE grabs a golf club. Sig grabs a BB gun. Beta grabs a knife and a skateboard....

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

Booby traps & security lasers to be added to Reid Cafe

Grace Canny, spy in training (very observant) February 29, 2024

On Feb. 29, something arrived in Reid Café and it was not a new soft serve machine. The Café’s bold dual entrance design has been exploited by thieves from every class, leading to increasing security...

We Regret to Announce that We are Out of Jokes

Conor Bartol, this is not a joke February 22, 2024

Dear Readers, I regret to inform you all of a most terrible discovery. Due to a scheduling mix-up I was called in to write a humor article this week. No sweat, I thought, easy peasy. I’ll just go...

Obituary: Mourning Sweetpea’s death

Rachel Husband, sweetpea we hardly knew ye February 22, 2024

It is with great sadness that the Wire reports that Sweetpea, legendary star of Puppy Bowl XVI, has died. Sweetpea, the smallest star ever to grace the Puppy Bowl turf, tragically passed away hours after...

Fill-in-the-Blank Affirmations for Seniors of Any Major

Grace Canny, ___ and proud February 22, 2024

If you have had the pleasure of talking to any seniors recently, you may have heard them say something about their multitude of final assessments, papers and evaluations and how they just “really need...

The Shocking Downfall of A Campus Celebrity

Arham Khan, Lorekeeper-in-Chief February 22, 2024

In the ethereal dreamscape of Whitman’s Hall of Five Minutes of Fame, where the echoes of past glories resonate through the hallowed corridors, a fallen campus celebrity wanders alone. His name forgotten...

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