Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Helios Santoro

Whitman’s Love Language: Situationships & Commitment Issues

Meghan Kearney, never been in a relationship at Whitman April 25, 2024

Commitment issues are spreading through Whitman like an STD, with one situationship after another infecting the campus. It can start from a simple Tinder swipe, a drunken conversation at a party, or...

Where Your ASWC Fees Go: Explained

Arham Khan, not a narc April 25, 2024

Glance at your semester bill - past the gym fees you never use because climbing the Hall of Science stairs counts as cardio - and you’ll find the ASWC fees. Ever wonder where all that money goes? Let’s...

How to Flawlessly Justify Your Crush With Just One my.whitman Photo

Grace Canny, currently going around the block April 25, 2024

You have a crush. Yay! But none of your friends know them. Boo. You really wish you had twin telepathy or some sort of biotechnology that can display an image in your mind to a group. Ok, I guess that...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

YikYak attacked by pack of yaks

George Groebner, yak of all trades April 25, 2024

You may have recently noticed a trend in the styling choices of Whitman students toward tousled bangs, thick wool coats and pointed horns up to three feet in length. Before you try to imitate this...

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Architectural improvement ideas for the Mem clock tower

George Groebner, spokesman for the untimely April 18, 2024

If buildings could make wishes, the Memorial Building would probably wish that ducks could read analog clock faces. Beyond that, however, it’s difficult to think of anything this glorious edifice...

Comparing the Contents of Women’s Wallets to Men’s

Meghan Kearney, short enough to fit in a wallet April 18, 2024

Whitman’s campus community excels at most woke subjects, with their efforts ranging from showcasing diversity on the covers of their brochures to limiting open discussions in classrooms to prevent politically...

Wheat Fields Turn Into Weed Fields: Whitman’s Tuition Cut Plan

Arham Khan, D.A.R.E survivor April 18, 2024

In a groundbreaking announcement that has students and Circle K parking lot dwellers alike buzzing with excitement, Whitman College has revealed its innovative plan to combat soaring tuition costs: converting...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

Whitman’s Surveillance state: Presence attendance

Grace Canny, in of doors (indoors if you will) April 18, 2024

Canadian company Modern Campus (previously known as Presence) has come under increasing scrutiny for the role it plays in collecting student information as a foreign company. However, the real truth...

Illustration by Coden Stark

Predictions and previews for the Eraser Olympics

George Groebner, sponsored by Ticonderoga April 11, 2024

Hellooooo, sports fans! Are you ready for the latest innovation in throwing objects long distances, maintaining balance on slick surfaces and other feats of athletic prowess? Get ready for the Eraser...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

Where the Printed Wire Articles Go Each Week

Meghan Kearney, currently following the paper-trail April 11, 2024

You may have noticed the presence of 20 million copies of The Wire distributed around campus. However, what may have escaped your notice is the transition to fresh editions each week, leaving readers...

What You Missed at the Undergraduate Conference

Conor Bartol, something of an undergraduate researcher myself April 11, 2024

Ah, the Undergraduate Conference: a momentous day of rigorous research, academic inquiry, startling results, salient questions and a free lunch. What could be better? The only problem with the Conference...

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Hazing Horror: New Frat Pledges Made To Watch OP Climbing Wall Video On Repeat

Arham Khan, Intro To Climbing graduate April 11, 2024

In yet another scandalous revelation surrounding Greek Life, an anonymous source has disclosed that a fraternity's hazing practices have taken a sinister turn. The new pledges, eager to prove their...

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