Whitman Wire

The sweet onion to end all sweet onions has been discovered

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

Conor Bartol, Useful Idiot

September 24, 2020

Walla Walla Sweet Onion farmers reported that they have grown the sweetest Sweet Onion ever. So sweet, in fact, that it appears local farmers have given up Sweet Onions for good. “What’s the point in growing more Sweet Onions?” said one farmer. “What do you do after you summit Everest? There is ...

Whitman Wire faces lawsuit over bird homicide

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Rachel Husband, Naked & Afraid

September 24, 2020

The Wire is coming under legal charges for its coverage of the Pioneer Park Aviary Massacre in a recent podcast. In May of this year, a dozen birds were killed in three separate attacks and more were left physically and emotionally injured. The Aviary faced more than $5,000 in damages from the lost bir...

Summer 2020 internships newly posted to Handshake

Madeline Kemp, Lean, Mean, Fighting Cuisine

September 24, 2020

It’s your lucky day Whitties! Check your inboxes – all of them, spam included – to explore the plethora of employment options for this summer, freshly updated this fall on Handshake. We all know and love the big yellow hand of Handshake, the social networking platform connecting students to potentia...

A climate-denier’s guide to all this smoke

Fielding Schaefer, who swears he didn’t write this

September 24, 2020

**This op-ed was anonymously submitted to The Wire** To my fellow Whitman students:   I am a Whitman student, and I have been silent for too long. The climate-denying closet is a cold, dark place, and it’s time that I emerge into the *stable* heat of the outside world. So here I am, albeit...

Biden team allegedly spends campaign funds at local yard sale

Rachel Husband, Unregistered Voter

September 17, 2020

Flying high off his recent success at the Democratic National Convention, Joe Biden and his campaign staff have been busy preparing for the upcoming election this November. However, this didn’t stop him from enjoying some leisure time over the weekend. In his trademark aviators and dashing jean jacke...

Marcus Whitman statue posted to listserv scribbled burgundy in MS paint

Fielding Schaefer, Fake Housewife of Beverly Hills :(

September 17, 2020

A year ago today, the Marcus Whitman statue woke up with hot sauce all over his face and Bible. He attempted to lick his big mess up, but he soon realized that his bronze frame would take millennia to bend down to do that. Suddenly he wished that he would’ve brought his mother along the Oregon Tra...

Disney announces “Star Wars: Babies”

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

Conor Bartol, Voyager to Lands Unknown

September 17, 2020

Following breakout "The Mandalorian" star and subsequent meme The Child, colloquially known as Baby Yoda, Disney has announced a new show: "Star Wars: Babies." The show will be a more kid-friendly look at "Star Wars" that will “follow the adventures of Baby Yoda and his adorable friends as they travel the gal...

Mask? Required. Clothes? Optional! Nudist 5k commences

Illustration by Annika Bauerle.

Kiara Paninos, also ran

September 17, 2020

Marathons and running events have been cancelled all across the world, but the Whitman Cross Country team decided to let it all hang loose in a masks-required, clothing-optional nudist 5k. The competition will take place on Skankeny field this coming Wednesday at high noon. The Naked Mile is a Whi...

Study Finds Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme Can Fuel A Small Fan for Seven Days

Rachel Husband, Enchilada Enthusiast

September 10, 2020

Summer is winding down, but it's still hot across the country, leaving many Americans looking for properly air conditioned fast food restaurants. But you may think twice about frequenting your local Taco Bell after researchers at Grand Canyon University released information regarding their recent studies ...

Things I Can Now Accomplish During Remote Class Sessions

Madeline Kemp, Naughty Possum

September 10, 2020

Two weeks into our remote semester and not only am I continually enlightened by the content of my courses, I am also experiencing revelations about productivity like never before. Once I stopped fighting the urge to practice any self-discipline, I discovered a whole new world of efficiency. The best p...

Microsoft Replaces Internet Explorer with Internet Conqueror

Conor Bartol, Lovable Scamp

September 10, 2020

Internet Explorer is dead, long live Internet Conqueror. Microsoft recently announced they would be shutting down their twenty-five-year-old browser, Internet Explorer. While this was a shock to the tech world, the bigger shock was the news of its replacement, Internet Conqueror. When asked about ...

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty

Kiara Paninos, Timothy Shallot’s Gardener

September 10, 2020

A new meaning was brought to “virtual reality” when first-year, Lostun Fount, was rescued from the social event platform GatherDotTown the week after orientation. Fount had unknowingly downloaded some malware by clicking on an advertisement claiming to sell shoes previously owned by that one guy who climb...

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