Whitman Wire

Yee: It’s spreading and it’s spreading fast

Annelise Ellingboe, Darth Vader Ginsberg

October 9, 2019

The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially called “YeeYeeism,” has ripped through Whitman campus, rendering affected young men unable to re...

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Elise Sanders, Voted Most Likely To Cry In High School

October 9, 2019

Hey bros, are you ready for some life-changing advice? Of course you are — bros are always down for that. Listen here, I was listening to this scientific podcast the other day and they argued that 3-in-1 body wash does not make a good face wash. Yeah, I was shocked too. But I really trust this podcast...

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Maddie Ott, Eats Raw Tea Bags

October 9, 2019

Perhaps once upon a time, skintight cycling shorts and a Whitman-sponsored cycling jersey got Whitman students all flustered and up in a chatter; however, things are changing around campus, and the leadership on the cycling team can sense this. As senior captain Wiggy Leener put it, “We need atten...

Thank god: These seven ideas will save your four day

Ann Karneus

October 9, 2019

With Four Day looming, we know you’re scrambling to figure out a plan. But never fear — these travel tips will elevate your break from a solid four to a soft six.  Go to Portland. Carpool with a random Whitman student and make uncomfortable conversation for four hours. F**k a voodoo donut! B...

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Elise Sanders, Saw A Salamander Once

October 3, 2019

Last Sunday, local pensive 19th century poet Loventry Poesworth-Byrontë found cause to celebrate when he was rushed to the clinic after he began coughing blood into his delicately embroidered, monogrammed lace handkerchief.  “I found him in an absolute fit!” recalled housekeeper Mrs. Carfax. “I was in...

School district meets standard quota of one creepy teacher

Ann Karneus, Recovering Candy Crush Addict

October 3, 2019

Late last week, Barry Crendshaw was selected by the Fairfield, Iowa, school board to fill the highly anticipated creep-in-residence position.  As a cultural and institutional staple of the American education system, the presence of one creepy teacher per school district has been celebrated for gene...

Alum looking forward to wild night in Health Center

Madeline Kemp

September 30, 2019

Last weekend was alumni weekend, and Dave Teppner, class of ‘83, knew exactly how he wanted to relive his favorite party nights at Whitman. There would be the obligatory spots, of course, to show the kids how it's done. But what really mattered was making it to the only place that truly signifies a lege...

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Maude Lustig, Saucy Minx

September 30, 2019

Gracie Hardway cheerfully boop be-bopped home Wednesday night to share some exciting news with her housemate Hannah: she had finally gotten her period. She threw open the door with an excited, “honey, I’m home!” only to see a male figure seated on the couch.  “Oh... hey Damien,” Gracie greeted. Dami...

We Started A Week Later And Everything Feels Weird Now

We Started A Week Later And Everything Feels Weird Now

Maude Lustig, Spicy Meatball

September 26, 2019

Welcome to the article, my children. Well, here we are. The bell tolls on another year at Whitman. The slow frivolous days of summer are slipping away into fall, and the pitter-patter of first-year feet decks the halls. Yet this year we received an unexpected gift: an extra week of summer and the fu...

Students Begin to Vomit for Pure Sport in Cleveland Commons

Students Begin to Vomit for Pure Sport in Cleveland Commons

Maddie Ott, Knows How To Lock Doors

September 26, 2019

As students file back into Cleveland Commons with their eyes trained on the Noodle Bar, Global Section and Comfort Food area, their minds grow with the untapped potential of what their dining facility has to offer. Once 6 p.m. rolls around, the students frantically commence the start of the school year by...

Uh Oh: Area Woman’s Day Sucks After Grim Co-Star Update

Ashlyn Quintus, Professional Dog Mocker

September 26, 2019

Junior Janet Stubbs felt at ease last Thursday afternoon. She was staying on top of work, ran into a friendly dog and only had two iced coffee drinks from the Cleveland Cafe. Yes, all was well for Janet... until she felt a little buzz in her pocket. It was then that Stubbs received an ominously specific ...

‘Food At Home’ Actually Tupperware of Slugs

‘Food At Home’ Actually Tupperware of Slugs

Annelise Ellingboe, Heir to Rat King

September 23, 2019

Junior Margaret Muppenhoush was just trying to do the right thing. She was tired of checking her bank account and only seeing $3.54 on her debit card, so this past Friday, when she got that 4:45 p.m. “Sushi?” text from good friend James Jumbleholt she knew she had to turn it down. She resigned h...

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