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Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLVII
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Lucas Pinaire.

Fracking On Ankeny: How I Pay Tuition

Dante Squires, Humor Writer November 14, 2025

For many college students, the question of tuition is a difficult one. It’s impossible to pay without adequate financial aid or loans, but many students don’t have enough financial aid and don’t...

Illustration by Avery Hargrove.

North Hall To Be Torn Down For Sarah Bolton Presidential Ballroom

Hunter Tucker, Humor Writer November 14, 2025

Whitman College has been trying to close North Hall for seven years now, but now that effort has renewed vigor after the most recent announcement from Memorial Building: North Hall will be torn down to...

Dogs are a Man’s Best Friend, Rats are a Close Second

AJ Johnson, Humor Writer November 14, 2025

Now, you might be thinking that cats are man’s second-best friend, and you’d be dead wrong. I mean no disrespect to cats, but they are SHALLOW and SILLY! They love us, but they do not respect us! Meanwhile,...

Illustration by Natalie Rhim.

Whitman Mascot To Be Changed To ‘Zyn Can’

Charlie Staudinger, Humor Writer November 14, 2025

Since the change of the campus mascot from the Missionaries to the Blue Mountains, there has been debate over what the real mascot should be. Most conversations have centered around changing it to the...

Illustration by Natalie Rhim.

I Robbed The Louvre And All I Got Were These Gems

AJ Johnson, Humor Writer November 7, 2025

I’ve tried every method I can think of to combat seasonal depression: I bought a snake (died of loneliness), bought two snakes (died in a lover’s quarrel), then finally stopped buying snakes and focused...

Freaking Finally, The Halls Are Open!

Ben Sherry, Humor Writer November 7, 2025

Humble Readers of The Wire new and old … we are nearing the end of the openings of the halls. At long last, we have the majority of the Junior-Senior halls open to us students! This is no joke! We are...

Illustration by Avery Hargrove.

Man Uses Generative AI To “Start a Family”

Charlie Staudinger, Humor Writer November 7, 2025

Last night, while most of Whitman College slept and my roommate raged at “Banner Lords 2: Mount and Blade,” I was scrolling through various communities on the one and only Reddit dot com. My curiosity...

Illustration by Sylvie King.

Without Farmer’s Market, Students Begin To Get Scurvy

Hunter Tucker, Humor Writer November 7, 2025

A recent outbreak of scurvy among the Whitman student body initially baffled Welty Health Center and St. Mary’s employees, until they looked at a calendar. “Sure enough, November scurvy strikes...

Illustration by Sylvie King.

We Need To Make DnD Lame Again

AJ Johnson, Humor Writer October 31, 2025

Back in my day (circa 2017), we didn’t talk about playing “Dungeons and Dragons.” It was a secret society, only whispered about in the darkest crevices of the internet. If you could get your hands...

Is It Too Soon To Give Up?

Dante Squires, Humor Writer October 31, 2025

Struggling with midterms? Are you overwhelmed with work? Do you have three billion assignments due tonight and are still trying to figure out a last-minute Halloween costume? Maybe you’re tempted to...

Illustration by Mar Tachek.

Unsolved Walla Walla Mystery: The Franken-Car

Ben Sherry, Humor Writer October 31, 2025

This is a story I doubt my readers have heard, but all should be fearful of … Have any of you seen the cars that drive across those streets we students brave? The big and the small, the slow and the...

Illustration by Genesis Lobos.

I Was Performative Before It Was Cool

Hunter Tucker, Humor Writer October 31, 2025

Some people get annoyed by performative males because they are annoying or are pretending to understand feminist literature without actually having critically examined the patriarchy and their position...

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