Whitman Wire

Pumpkin pandemonium: 5 new pumpkin items you just have to try!

Ben Kearney, Your friendly neighborhood pumpkin analyzer September 23, 2021

Hey all you fall lovers out there! That’s right, it’s pumpkin season baby! Whether you take your pumpkin basic, or like to spice it up, there’s a variety of new pumpkin items just waiting...

Horses demand their dewormer from anti-vaxxers

Conor Bartol, Ass-half of the two-person horse costume September 23, 2021

Misinformation, conspiracy theories, pseudoscience: the effort to vaccinate Americans against COVID-19 has faced a lot of hurdles, least of which is some people’s propensity to turn toward untested “treatments”...

Auntie Lee’s Advice: for the embarrassed student

Lee Thomas, awake for the last 48 hours September 23, 2021

Dear Auntie Lee,  I'm a first-year student at Whitman, and these last few weeks were rough. I already feel I've ruined my future here because of all the embarrassment I've caused myself recently. I...

A brief review of James Corden’s crimes against humanity

Carmel Stephan, Peter Rabbit, in the flesh September 23, 2021

James Kimberley Corden, Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, is neither a jack or master of any trade, yet Hollywood still suckles off his chapped teat like a newborn kitten. This...

Fundraiser established to send Jeff Bezos to space and keep him there

Fundraiser established to send Jeff Bezos to space and keep him there

Lee Thomas, President of PALT (the People Against Lee Thomas) organization September 16, 2021

Jeff Bezos, the "self-made" billionaire, shocked the world when he shot a load of metal into space with himself inside. While he only lasted a few minutes, many have been speculating over what this means...

Lactose intolerant first year spends 50% of semester on toilet

Rachel Husband, This is NOT Autobiographical May 6, 2021

One first year, who wished to remain unnamed because it’s none of your fucking business, has reported spending half of the semester on various toilets around campus.  Lactose intolerance occurs when...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Five things that you can do with your money instead of tipping at the Walla Walla Steak Company on April 17, 2021

Cade Schott, Journalist and not afraid of a little pee May 6, 2021

Several weeks ago it was reported that Kathy Murray failed to leave a tip after her dinner at the Walla Walla Steak Co. Below is a response to the backlash from the soon-to-be former president of Whitman...

Companies stake their claim on Whitman following Barnes and Noble bookstore purchase

Conor Bartol, stuck on roof trying to get frisbee, send help May 6, 2021

Barnes and Noble’s imminent takeover of the Whitman bookstore has “opened the floodgates” for companies that hope to make part of the school their own, inundating the Whitman administration with...

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Students set themselves on fire in front of Memorial to protest spring break days

Lee Thomas, just some guy I guess May 6, 2021

Since the start of the semester, discussions have repeatedly arisen about the evident consequences of a reduced spring break. The vacation designed for getting blasted in Miami has been adapted to avoid...

Four celebrities poised to come out in more dramatic fashion than Lil’ Nas X

Sam Huston, really likes Tyler, The Creator April 29, 2021

With his spectacularly flamboyant and satanic music video, Lil’ Nas X has set a high bar for celebrities who wish to open up about their sexuality in dramatic fashion. Here are several others who have...

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Whitman hosts “America’s Got Talent”-esque competition to choose next president

Conor Bartol, definitely not multiple ducks in a trenchcoat April 29, 2021

Following the announcement of President Kathy Murray’s retirement, Whitman will decide the new president via a thrilling “Whitman’s Got Talent” competition. The presidential search committee...

How to dress up for Hot Girl Summer while still attending classes

Lee Thomas, All around Bad B April 29, 2021

Things are heating up: the sun is out and the weather is hot, and students are finally able to show off their equally hot, hot bods. While there's no one style for college students to strive for, and while...

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