Whitman Wire

White House in turmoil over Robert Biden II and Barron Trump’s relationship

Illustration by Hayden Cooper.
November 25, 2020

Robert Biden II (14), grandson of Joe Biden, and Barron Trump (14), son of Donald Trump, have shocked the media recently by uploading photos of each other on their MySpace profiles.  The photos clearly...

Things to be thankful for

Illustration by Elie Flanagan.
November 25, 2020

Now is a time for us to give thanks, no matter how hard this year has been. So, here are some of the things I’m thankful for today. Backpacks B-Gone High school left me with a lot of memories,...

When it comes to renewing social distancing, double standards run rampant

November 25, 2020

This week Washington State re-upped its restrictions on businesses, and Governor Inslee addressed Washingtonians asking that they not gather in person for Thanksgiving.  People are now reconsidering...

New BuzzFeed quiz about ‘Your Dream Job’ is shockingly accurate

Illustration by Allyson Kim.
November 19, 2020

BuzzFeed has released yet another truth-telling quiz, but this time it’s not just some trivial questionnaire about which Disney Princess you are. No, this is the big leagues.  This is Your Dream...

Why humor writers are doing the most right now

Illustration by Hayden Cooper.
November 19, 2020

With just a couple of issues of The Wire left to publish as this semester crawls to an anticlimactic close, we have got to talk about the real struggle: being funny this fall.  What is humor writing,...

Gmail will alert students about misleading emails this spring

November 19, 2020

Since the presidential election, Twitter has deliberately been censoring Donald Trump’s tweets that are spreading misinformation about the election. Twitter thought it necessary to intervene when Trump...

Supervillains cancel 2020 plans: “What’s the point?”

November 19, 2020

In an uncharacteristic move, the International League of Villains has announced they are canceling all activities for the rest of 2020 and 2021. In a statement released Monday, the League’s chairman,...

Local evil overlord quits job to become a banker

Illustration by Anika Vucicevic.
November 12, 2020

The once menacing and grotesque Evil Overlord Gree D. Bich took everyone by surprise when he announced quitsies on his career path of doom and gloom. Even more shocking was his transition into investment...

First years abduct Kathy Murray, force in-person learning

November 12, 2020

In the wake of President Kathy Murray’s announcement for a return to campus during the second semester, a small group of radical first year students have claimed credit for this shift, stating that they...

Whitman postpones in-person plans after bed bug infestation

November 12, 2020

In a surprising turn of events, Whitman’s in-person plans have been indefinitely postponed; but not by COVID-19, but by a bed bug invasion. President Kathy Murray emailed, “We were so focused on...

Sorry first years: Burnt out returning students don’t even want an in-person spring

November 12, 2020

Everyone certainly feels sorry for the bright-eyed first years, fresh out of high school and sans graduation celebrations and senior proms. The class of 2020, going on 2024, has had it rough to be sure,...

Student buys every product available online in an attempt to fill the void

Illustration by Lily Buller.
November 5, 2020

Senior Shoppa Hollick was rushed to the hospital on Monday morning after her housemate suspected her of being crushed under a seriously impressive pile of recently purchased knick knacks and bubble wrap....

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