Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Banana by Coden Stark

Banana peels rain down on campus

George Groebner, potassium? I hardly know ‘em February 29, 2024

We thought we were safe. Those of us lucky enough to have been indoors when the heavens opened up and released the great yellow cascade were exhaling sighs of relief as the downpour began to lessen....

Whitman Security Trades Priuses for Power: Introducing the Lambo Patrol

Arham Khan, I watched Top Gear February 29, 2024

It was a dark night on Boyer. A student, identified only as CJ, was out tearing up the streets as usual. Hair slicked back, one arm on the wheel, CJ approached the bright red ‘Stop’ sign in his black...

Illustration by Paloma Link

The Greek Life Hunger Games

Will Lanstra, Katnice ever-dean? February 29, 2024

The cannon goes off! The Greek orgs rush towards the middle where the weapons are stashed. Phi picks up a tennis racket. TKE grabs a golf club. Sig grabs a BB gun. Beta grabs a knife and a skateboard....

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

Booby traps & security lasers to be added to Reid Cafe

Grace Canny, spy in training (very observant) February 29, 2024

On Feb. 29, something arrived in Reid Café and it was not a new soft serve machine. The Café’s bold dual entrance design has been exploited by thieves from every class, leading to increasing security...

We Regret to Announce that We are Out of Jokes

Conor Bartol, this is not a joke February 22, 2024

Dear Readers, I regret to inform you all of a most terrible discovery. Due to a scheduling mix-up I was called in to write a humor article this week. No sweat, I thought, easy peasy. I’ll just go...

Obituary: Mourning Sweetpea’s death

Rachel Husband, sweetpea we hardly knew ye February 22, 2024

It is with great sadness that the Wire reports that Sweetpea, legendary star of Puppy Bowl XVI, has died. Sweetpea, the smallest star ever to grace the Puppy Bowl turf, tragically passed away hours after...

Fill-in-the-Blank Affirmations for Seniors of Any Major

Grace Canny, ___ and proud February 22, 2024

If you have had the pleasure of talking to any seniors recently, you may have heard them say something about their multitude of final assessments, papers and evaluations and how they just “really need...

The Shocking Downfall of A Campus Celebrity

Arham Khan, Lorekeeper-in-Chief February 22, 2024

In the ethereal dreamscape of Whitman’s Hall of Five Minutes of Fame, where the echoes of past glories resonate through the hallowed corridors, a fallen campus celebrity wanders alone. His name forgotten...

Crazy straw glasses and other spring fashion predictions

George Groebner, borrowing and abusing my uncle’s credibility February 22, 2024

As February begins to wane and Ankeny shortcut-takers feel their shoes sink into the murky residue of the last snowstorm for probably a while, it is the natural course of human neurology that minds should...

Letter from the Publisher

Rachel Husband, Publisher February 15, 2024

Happy Valentine’s Day dear readers. This is not a silly teehee little piece to make you giggle but a tiny love letter tucked away in the section of The Wire where I feel most at home. During Valentines,...

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

Valentines Missed Connections

Grace Canny, novice matchmaker February 15, 2024

Have you ever held prolonged charged eye contact while waiting at the Grill? Made charming and witty banter in the Post Office line? At a school this small, Missed Connections are somewhat superfluous...

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

Celebrating Valentine’s with Condom Bouquets

Meghan Kearney, Whitman’s Condom Dealer February 15, 2024

This Valentine’s Day, Whitman wasn’t just being safe in the bedroom, but out in the environment. Condom Bouquets, paper flowers, adorned with condoms and dental dams and crafted with meticulous care...

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