Whitman Wire

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Wow: Everyone’s Pissed and Exhausted

Ashlyn Quintus, Small Grandmother

October 13, 2018


Filed under Humor

A recent study by those who rightly give a shit about humanity finds that everyone who is anyone is not only pissed, but exhausted. With an administration that is constantly challenging intrinsic rights of its citizens by appointing representatives who treat others like shit, are pieces of shit, or just...

How to Survive These Times: Liberal Snowflake Edition

Maddie Ott, Allergic to Muppets

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

We’ve all been there… your new iPhone 8 vibrates in your pocket and you eagerly glance at it hoping to see a text but are completely blindsided by an Apple News Update that brings your glorious liberal bubble crashing down. Brett Kavanaugh has been voted into the supreme court. Attempting to reco...

Snacks, Gas Money Provided for 4-Day Carpool Ride, but not Good Times

Ann Karneus, Corn Nut Addict

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

In a shocking display of falsity and deceit, Whitman freshman Dave Atkins did not supply what he promised on the drive back to Whitman from four-day. After posting a frantic request on the [email protected] listserv at 3:47 a.m. on Saturday morning, Maddie Wilkins promptly replied the ne...

Area Man Accidentally Voices Opinion on Israel

CJ Fritz, Notorious Jew

October 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

On Sunday morning, local man Gavin O’Neil was rushed to the hospital to be treated for shock and trauma. According to witnesses, O’Neil had been attending brunch with friends at Bacon & Kegs when the topic of Israel came up without warning. O’Neil, taken by surprise, accidentally voice...

Reid Airlines Takes Off!

Reid Airlines Takes Off!

Anthony Reale, Tooth Fairy's Ex-Wife

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

The Whitman College campus was a dreary piece of shit until the renovation of Reid Campus Center was completed. Some might say it was Stanton Hall that was the crowning jewel of the blood diamond crown of money spent in renovations this summer.  Others say it will be Chuck E. Cheese Dining Commons (w...

BIRKENSTALKER SITUATION NEUTRALIZED

CJ Fritz, Professional Kissing Booth Attendee

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining. Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting B...

Feeling Extra Rebellious Whitman Student Steals a Chair From Tennis Tournament, Sets it in the Middle of Ankeny, Sits on it, Runs Away.

Feeling Extra Rebellious Whitman Student Steals a Chair From Tennis Tournament, Sets it in the Middle of Ankeny, Sits on it, Runs Away.

Maddie Ott, Interested in Narcotics and Black Market Frisbees

October 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

The anticipation of the kill, the thrill of the chase, the satisfaction of accomplishing the hunt is all crucial aspects of surviving in this harsh world. Much like the biological drive to hunt and catch prey, the stereotypical rebellious Whitman student can also feel that innate burning desire to go in...

All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”

All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”

Anthony Reale, Corbin Bleu Impersonator

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

President Kathyannabellemonroegeorgiajohnnabetherine Murré’s tenure as leader of the College has hit its fourth year, marking a significant moment in the College’s history.  Every time a new president hits their fourth year in office, they are required by the Sweet Onion Blue Mountain Missionary...

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Annelise Ellingboe, Imitation Freegan

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Wednesday, 4p.m. — In response to the student body’s outcry for a change, President Kathy Murray and Dean of Students Kazi Joshua have issued a joint statement declaring that Whitman College’s mascot, The Blue Mountains, will change yet again to Shrek. The statement comes on the heels of rally...

First-year breaks through with ingenious new reading of Marx

Ann Karneus, Rejected Mathlete

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Whitman first year Tom Jones, who recently finished three chapters of “The Communist Manifesto” in Encounters, thinks that he’s ready to take a stab at what exactly this Marx guy is all about. After conducting an in-depth interview with expert Tom, let’s hear what he has to say about that tantalizing...

Oblivious Walla Walla tourist verging on third week at Stanton after mistaking it for resort

Ashlyn Quintus, Hard-Boiled Leg

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Ahh … the end of September – when the leaves begin to turn, the air begins to crisp and Whitman’s campus says “adieu” to its first whole month in action. Well, all but one particular resident, who doesn’t know he really should say “adieu” … really … please … it’s weirding...

Adidas customers burning merchandise after latest scandal

CJ Fritz, Three Corns Stacked in a Trenchcoat

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs. After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices. Many disgruntled Adidas...

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