Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Jonah Rosen-Bloom

Whitman Sign Switcher brought into custody

George Groebner, mild-mannered alter ego November 16, 2023

After being eluded for months, Whitman Security has finally apprehended the Sign Switcher, the shadowy mischief-maker responsible for the replacement of campus signs with other campus signs. Interrogation...

Walla Walla Enneagram

Carmel Stephan, Psychological analyst November 16, 2023

For those who may not know, there is a magical thing called the enneagram, and it categorizes all personalities into 9 types. Fill this out and you’ll discover your enneagram type!       1.  I...

Illustration by Gus Colwell

Tips for navigating Thanksgiving dinner

Grace Canny, cranberry jelly lover November 16, 2023

The week we get off at the end of November always comes at the right time: when you are literally falling apart. So why would anyone want to spend one of those precious days traversing the harrowing...

Why Women Shouldn’t Be Funny

Meghan Kearney, “Humor” Writer November 16, 2023

Someone should fire me, and preferably a man.  I initially applied as a humor writer for The Wire with the aim of joining the feminist cause, challenging the long-running stereotype that women aren’t...

You heard of teenage girls in their 20s, how about preteen boys in their 50s?

Carmel Stephan, I’m talking about your dad November 9, 2023

Hashtags on TikTok cemented the phrase “teenage girls in their 20s” to describe the current 2000s trends of low rise jeans, Twilight core and the Jonas Brothers going back on tour. But you know what...

Being a NARP around ARPs

Meghan Kearney, board-certified NARP November 9, 2023

My evenings typically begin with my daily trek across Ankeny towards Cleve. The sun is setting, the ducks are quacking and unbeknownst to me, a frisbee comes hurling towards my head with a sweaty player...

Illustration by Kai Bowen

What I’m building with all these bike tires

Grace Canny, artist (officially fulfilled my art distribution) November 9, 2023

If you take a walk around campus, you might see a lot of bikes. If you keep walking around campus, you might see a lot of bikes without tires. And if you looked in my garage, you might see it full...

Illustration by Gus Cowell

Freeze rays cause controversy, shivering

George Groebner, fastest draw in the southeast central Pacific Northwest November 9, 2023

“What’s cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!” –Andre 3000   As Whitman finds itself in the throes of the seemingly implacable freeze ray trend, Mr. 3000’s poignant words take on...

Illustration by Helios Santoro

Student who Learned Too Broadly tells all

Grace Canny, I know my business here November 2, 2023

On Nov. 1st, she arrived at Penrose Library’s front desk in a haggard state. She smelled like she’d been soaking in Enlighten Mint Yerba Mate and her hand was reflexively curled in perfect 0.5...

Illustration by Jonah Rosen-Bloom

Local sourcing gone too far? Campus ducks added to Cleve menu

George Groebner, incapable of pronouncing “foie gras” November 2, 2023

Last week, cryptic signs outside Cleve heralded a new local food sourcing program, promising “scintillating flavors,” “dynamic nutrition upgrades” and “serious ethical quandaries in every...

Whitman’s Pessimists

Whitman’s Pessimists

Meghan Kearney, Unaffiliated Pessimist November 2, 2023

Whitman students, who once held emotionally-driven conversations ranging from weather to politics, have recently adopted apathetic stances courtesy of Cancel Culture. Disagreements that were once common...

Whitman [ ] Ends in [ ]

Conor Bartol, [ ] November 2, 2023

Editor's Note: Due to ongoing legal concerns this article has been heavily redacted. However, in the interest of informing the public, we have chosen to print it with these redactions. We trust our readers...

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