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Whitman Wire

Whitman Flat Earth Society Plans Trip to Prove that Earth is Flat Once and For All

Ann Karneus, The Jingliest of Bells

December 7, 2017


Filed under Humor

In a recent announcement, the Whitman Flat Earth Club has confirmed they will be offering a weeklong OP trip that aims to disprove the widely held theory of round earth. Set to be offered during spring break of 2018, the trip will consist of a journey to the edge of the Earth and back. Since its foundatio...

So, What is the Choker Fashion Trend About Anyways, and Why Should I Participate?

Annie Stefanides, Flashcard Quizzer

December 7, 2017


Filed under Humor

Unfortunately for the fashion trend, chokers have been given a bad rap due to their frivolous nature. However, I would like to point out all the reasons why chokers are a jewelry piece that are as timeless as diamonds and as sensible as a good pair of jeans. First off, a choker is not as uncomfortable...

When Will Our Government Address Minion Memes?

Winston Weigand, Garbage Gargler

December 7, 2017


Filed under Humor

On the morning of November 21, 2017, an extraordinary milestone was reached: the one millionth minion meme was uploaded to the internet. This was an especially impressive feat given the fact that these illiterate yellow Tic Tacs known as “minions” only entered popular media seven years ago with the ...

Finals Study Breaks Sure to be Big Hit

Clara Wheeler, Font of Useless Information

December 7, 2017


Filed under Humor

With finals just around the corner, a lot of residence halls are just now announcing study breaks that will provide enough entertainment to the hordes of students that attend ResLife events. Jewett will be hosting an event in the wee hours of the morning where students can come and shout “Wake up ...

A Jew’s Thoughts on Christmas

Rebecca Gluck, Amateur Tickler

December 7, 2017


Filed under Humor

Each year, when Christmas rolls around, Jews in America face the same problems. Christmas is a puzzling holiday for many of us, especially those who worship menorahs for eight nights in December (or sometimes even November). Some common questions that arise around this time of year include, but are n...

Where are they now?

Anthony Reale, Sexy Memorial Hall Impersonator

November 16, 2017


Filed under Humor

It’s been awhile since we’ve discussed a few hot-button issues that plague our society, both Whittie and abroad. From Narcissa’s portrait imposter to gun control, this article takes a look at the three issues that scientists have determined to be the only things we should care about. Narcissa’s Po...

Campus bathrooms RANKED

Maude Lustig, Porcelain Princess

November 16, 2017


Filed under Humor

In a world of communal bathrooms, it can be hard to find a peaceful place to lose your poop. Luckily, The Wire has you covered. Sit back and relax, because the doctor of dropping logs is in. 5. For the Late Night Poo Where: Upstairs Music Building (Single-Stall) Yes, the toilet paper is scratch...

Study Finds Tension Between Greek and Non-Greek College Students Dates Back to Prehistoric Period

Rebecca Gluck, Eighth Grade Boy

November 16, 2017


Filed under Humor

Many of us consider the split between Greek and non-Greek college students a modern-day phenomenon. Many of us, however, would be wrong. In a recent study, the Center for Fraternity and Sorority Research (CFSR) found that even our dinosaur friends could not resolve the tension between Greek and non-Greek...

Ann’s Advice: Declaring a Major

Ann Karneus, Ham Sandwich

November 9, 2017


Filed under Humor

As I’m sure that many sophomores know, figuring out a major can be one of the most stressful, all-important decisions you’ll have to make during your time at Whitman. But what if I were to tell you that not declaring is an option? That’s right! Just don’t declare! Next year, I’m really going t...

New Classes for Millenials

New Classes for Millenials

Clara Wheeler, Dear god please somebody swipe me into brunch

November 9, 2017


Filed under Humor

With registration now over, many Whitman students are excited about the classes they will be taking next semester. And with enrollment down, the college is introducing new courses to appeal to the changing times and interests. “Millennials just aren’t interested in stuff like chemistry anymore,...

Insert Chemistry Pun Here

Annie Stefanides, Fe Li Ne Lover

November 9, 2017


Filed under Humor

Every year, there are many students that enroll in gen chem probably because they think they’ll need the course as a prerequisite later on, but they don’t actually want to dive-deep into the world that is chemistry. If that sounds like you, then listen up because these are some tips for success: ...

Tonie Talks: Artisanal Apocalypse

Tonie Talks: Artisanal Apocalypse

Anthony Reale, Ironic Communist

November 9, 2017


Filed under Humor

The apocalypse. Topic of human discussion since the beginning of recorded history, the apocalypse has taken many forms.  Some think that it’ll be the return of Jesus, others believe it to be to be the Four Horsemen, still others think it’ll be the acerbic, tantric infant we’ve somehow allowed i...

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