Whitman Wire

Breaking: Patiss replaces coffee with well water; will only accept the king’s coin henceforth

Ann Karneus, Digestible Crayon

December 6, 2018


Filed under Humor

In a shocking twist, Whitman students’ beloved Colville Street Patisserie has made the infrastructural decision to replace all coffee with well water. But how, and precisely why, is the coffee shop heralded for its metropolitan feel departing from a business model that is already certifiably successful?...

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Ashlyn Quintus, Crab Cake Organizer

November 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

  "I am just as surprised and relieved as you are!"      Whitman junior Rodney Rodnus exclaimed and assumed of the interviewer regarding his shockingly productive Thanksgiving break. Rodney is one of one student(s) who feel that they made above and beyond of their time spent over this past week...

The Perfect Gift For the Perfect Lift: Three Heroic Stories of Gift-Giving Found in Rides-Digest

Maddie Ott, Tortellini Charmer

November 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

Our first Good Samaritan was a simple man with a simple plan. Once his father brought him to the attention that he would need to find his own ride from Pasco back to Whitman, his heroic tendencies kicked into gear. With a nonchalant attitude, he adds to the dozens of riders-digest emails with th...

Thanksgiving break reminds Whittie that most people fall somewhere between treebark-eating ultrafeminist and homophobic oil baron on political spectrum

Annelise Ellingboe, Inexplicable Corn Nut Addiction

November 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

First-year student Ernest Wilderby experienced severe culture shock after leaving Whitman for Thanksgiving for the first time since beginning school. Having become a kind of Cultural Bubble Boy within Whitman’s socially-conscious walls, the real world suddenly felt abrasive and intensely callous to the st...

Jumping in Leaf Piles: Whimsical Fall Activity or Something More Sinister?

Maude Lustig, Eternal Being of Light

November 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Raking leaves: we all hate it. Yet this eons old chore has always offered a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel: Jumping in The Freaking Leaf Pile. The most fun-loving amongst us might even toss some leaves up in the air, and let them rain down on their heads. Yet, could this beloved activity be ...

Local bullying firm predicts return of “four-eyes” insult

CJ Fritz, Rapscallion

November 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Trevor Mitchell is the CEO and founder of a cutting-edge bullying firm located in Seattle, Washington. The firm, named Wet Willie Solutions, uses top-of-the-line technology to track the latest trends in the bullying industry. Mitchell, a former bully himself, is now a prominent douchebag in the Pacific Nort...

Cause of Death: Florida

Maddie Ott, Uncle Alligator's Famous Jambalaya

November 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

 For students returning home this Thanksgiving break, they should be aware of a great threat that lies in the East. Lurking in the shadows of other great states such as New York and Virginia, Florida rests, patiently waiting for the absolute least opportune moment to strike. A nightmare for the libe...

Cheez-It to release canisters of only the white cheddar dust; can be eaten or smoked

Cheez-It to release canisters of only the white cheddar dust; can be eaten or smoked

Anneliese Ellingboe, Boiled Ham's Brother-in-Law

November 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

This past Friday, Cheez-It announced they would be releasing a new product in December 2018. After discovering that white cheddar Cheez-It dust that had been chemically separated from the cheese cracker was being sold on the black market by high schoolers for direct consumption and/or smoking, the corporation...

Penrose Library excited to light books on fire to keep the bathrooms hellishly warm during this winter season

Penrose Library excited to light books on fire to keep the bathrooms hellishly warm during this winter season

Anthony Reale, Farm Animal

November 16, 2018


Filed under Humor

In a board meeting on Monday, the staff of Penrose Library — after hearing that the entire endowment had been spent on Cleveland Commons — realized that they would not have any money to keep the bathrooms nice and toasty over the Thanksgiving break. After a panicked silence, head librarian Book S....

BREAKING: Bon Appetit revealed to be reason why Whitman College is a D3 school

Maddie Ott, Ratatouille’s Brother-in-Law

November 9, 2018


Filed under Humor

Starved after a strenuous practice of fitness and running, the Whitman soccer team rushes into the Cleveland Commons searching for a highly caloric and protein filled meal. Aghast at the price of one hamburger (with added bacon) the team members soon realize that they literally can not afford to buy their me...

Shocked congressmen realize Capitol Building looks like a boob

Shocked congressmen realize Capitol Building looks like a boob

CJ Fritz, Old Bowl of Pasta

November 9, 2018


Filed under Humor

Washington, D.C. – On a rainy day in the nation’s capital, two aging senators nervously sip scotch in a chic bar, too disturbed to make eye contact with each other. I sit across from Senators Schuck Chumer and McCitch Monnell wondering how two of the palest men in the nation managed to look eve...

Eligible voter with access to ballot fails to vote, is plagued all the days of her life

Annelise Ellingboe, Nut Allergy's Cousin

November 9, 2018


Filed under Humor

Local eligible voter Cynthia Resnin failed to fill out and mail her perfectly good absentee ballot in time for her home state to receive it within the election cutoff period, and is now doomed to suffer each and every day for the rest of her life. Due to the rollout of what God is calling THOU SHALT ...

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