Whitman Wire

Ground Crew Gives Up

Maddie Ott, Famous Plaintaff from Kraft Foods vs. The United States

February 14, 2019


Filed under Humor

As they gather at the physical plant, the general mood is somber. With heavy hearts they turn their heads to face the storm. Holding hands in solidarity, they stare out the window, unified against the power. Mother Nature laughs in their grim faces as She utterly destroys Whitman’s campus. Snow, two i...

Big Tobacco begins drowning smokers to lower lung cancer statistic

CJ Fritz, Has a Rock in His Shoe

February 14, 2019


Filed under Humor

On Monday, Big Tobacco rolled out its newest marketing campaign for smokers. For years, scientific evidence has conclusively proved that smoking causes several types of cancer, especially lung cancer. In order to undercut the evidence, the marketing department of Big Tobacco has devised a way to...

Serious epidemic hits Whitman!

Serious epidemic hits Whitman!

Anthony Reale, Campbell's Rat Noodle Stew

February 14, 2019


Filed under Humor

Something is gleaming brighter than snow this winter season, blinding the entirety of Whitman students. No it’s not the shiny rejection letters that seniors are receiving from potential jobs — it’s white boys’ legs! No one knows how to stop these apparently fearless boys from failing to p...

Walla Walla Valentine’s Day Restaurant Edition: What Your Choice Means for Your Budding Relationship

Ann Karneus, Best Baked Alaska Runner-Up 1923

February 14, 2019


Filed under Humor

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you know what that means: it’s time to forcibly define that blossoming relationship you’ve been tentatively cultivating. Two weeks in or four months in, the politics of choosing that perfect spot can be complicated. So I’m here today to guide you through the...

Helpful study tip: do your fucking homework you pathetic piece of shit

Ann Karneus, Eight Frogs in a Trench Coat

February 8, 2019


Filed under Humor

Hey folks — this week I want to get personal and share some tips with you that have come in handy time and time again when I’m having trouble motivating myself. I’m all too familiar with the crippling mental block that prevents you from getting any work done, and I bet you are too, you piece o...

Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!

Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!

Anthony Reale, Moistest Envelope Licker '73

February 8, 2019


Filed under Humor

After an extensive research project, The Wire has uncovered a shocking crime perpetrated by the administration.  The crime — student surveillance — was committed by Director of Bullhorns, Mad Lib Emails and Communications, Grosh Grensen. Grensen apparently used the same techniques as Ms. Frizzle ...

Student Casually Closes Out of Forgotten Porn Tab in Front of Class Before Giving Powerpoint

Ashlyn Quintus, Red Robin's Slammingest Chungus 2017

February 8, 2019


Filed under Humor

At 10:14 a.m. last Wednesday, in the classroom of Religion Studies 136, the professor and students thought it was going to be like any other day of student presentations. With the lights off and students leaning back and ready to doze, Ben Flicker moseyed up to the front of the classroom with his lapto...

After Success of Chuck E. Cleaves, Board of Trustees and Administrators Look to the Seas for New Way to Drain Endowment

After Success of Chuck E. Cleaves, Board of Trustees and Administrators Look to the Seas for New Way to Drain Endowment

Anthony Reale, Can Opener's Brother-in-Law

January 28, 2019


Filed under Humor

Deep within the chenille-lined boardrooms of Memorial Hall, there lies an unmarked mahogany door. Behind this door is a velvet ballroom, within which the most secret and important meetings that the administration has happen. This room, lovingly dubbed “Murray’s Bar and Grille” by admins, was fi...

Greedy uncle lands dream job in Alumni Fundraising

Greedy uncle lands dream job in Alumni Fundraising

CJ Fritz, Soggy Broccoli

January 28, 2019


Filed under Humor

On Monday morning, Whitman College proudly announced the addition of a new member to its ranks of faculty. Lenny Andrews, local greedy uncle, was added to the renowned staff at Alumni Fundraising. According to Andrews, working at Alumni Fundraising has always been a dream of his. “Growing up, I...

In an Unsurprising Turn of Events, Reel Rock 13 Viewing Turns Into a Giant Whitman Orgy

Maddie Ott, Firmest Jello '06

January 28, 2019


Filed under Humor

With the thundering and heavy noises of Adam Ondra, a very well known rock climber, echoing in the ears of at least one hundred Whitman climbers and students at the much anticipated viewing of "Reel Rock 13" in Maxey auditorium last Thursday, the mood escalated from an excited murmur to a full blown...

Breaking: Patiss replaces coffee with well water; will only accept the king’s coin henceforth

Ann Karneus, Digestible Crayon

December 6, 2018


Filed under Humor

In a shocking twist, Whitman students’ beloved Colville Street Patisserie has made the infrastructural decision to replace all coffee with well water. But how, and precisely why, is the coffee shop heralded for its metropolitan feel departing from a business model that is already certifiably successful?...

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Unfair: Whitman Student Has Ridiculously Productive Break

Ashlyn Quintus, Crab Cake Organizer

November 29, 2018


Filed under Humor

  "I am just as surprised and relieved as you are!"      Whitman junior Rodney Rodnus exclaimed and assumed of the interviewer regarding his shockingly productive Thanksgiving break. Rodney is one of one student(s) who feel that they made above and beyond of their time spent over this past week...

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