Florida men reconsider sexuality after Trump offers to kiss them
Madeline Kemp, was called the gay f-word this week
October 22, 2020
Fresh out of the hospital, Trump hand-delivered COVID-19 to rallies across the nation last week, starting with Sanford, Florida. While many expected him to push through these final weeks of campaigning, positive test result be damned, Trump delivered more than what many bargained for and stirred the m...
An interview with the fly that landed on Mike Pence’s head
Conor Bartol, House Fly Whisperer
October 22, 2020
Thank you for speaking with me today. Would you like to introduce yourself? Hello, my name is Gus. I am a fly, and I landed on Mike Pence’s head during the Vice-Presidential debate. About that, why did you land on Pence? Was it a political statement? Look, we flies like garbage and crap, and who’s more ful...
First years report record E. coli numbers from Welcome Onions
Rachel Husband, Diseased
October 22, 2020
The Dean of Students Office released its annual report on E. coli infections among the first year population this Monday, and the results were astronomically high. Each year, Whitman College is required to publish the numbers of E. coli related illnesses derived from the staple welcome gift, a crate of ...
President Murray announces new diversity initiative
Pleyaheyda B.N. Frank
October 15, 2020
President Murray announced a new diversity initiative in a socially-distanced speech at the amphitheater last week. “The recent crises in our country have made everything seem uncertain, but they bring our attention to areas which we hadn’t previously thought enough about,” President Murray...
Students vanish in Zoom breakout rooms
Conor Bartol, Toothpaste Skeptic
October 15, 2020
Online learning has been thrown into disarray following the mysterious disappearance of twelve students in Zoom breakout rooms. In three separate classes, students were sent to breakout rooms, but in each case one of the breakout rooms did not return. “It was weird,” said one student. “Four people entered a r...
So you’re thinking about stopping a coup
Kiara Paninos, does not speak French
October 15, 2020
In this week’s episode of “Yes, that really did happen, and now this might happen too,” we will be discussing the 2020 Presidential election. The first presidential debate was a doozy. There were some sick burns and many lies. While I am normally in support of some trashy reality tv, this is not ...
The key to an in-person spring semester: Remote Zoom sex
Fielding Schaefer, Mr. Tough Guy, Huh?
October 15, 2020
As Whitman College considers the possibility of an in-person spring semester, they have been forced to address many potentially unsafe aspects of campus life. Residence halls, dining areas, athletic facilities and classrooms are common concerns for all colleges right now. Whitman, however, has identifie...
Student reluctant to tell his mom that her new accessories are up-cycled anal beads
Madeline Kemp, Pinkies Up
October 15, 2020
A Whitman student, who would prefer to remain anonymous, finds himself conflicted this week after catching up with his mother over the recent long weekend. His mom was excited to show him some new merch she found via Facebook. A friend-of-a-cousin-of-a-friend shared a link to the company UpBeads,...
Why Bear Grylls and his show “World’s Toughest Race: Eco-Challenge Fiji” is not the vibe
Rachel Husband, Edible Arrangement
October 8, 2020
Like many a first year at Whitman, I find myself having to “ask complex questions” of the world around me because of the newly redesigned First Year Seminar. Most of the time, its trivial questions like “how does a clock work?” or “what even is physics and why are we talking about it at the ...
Five spook-tacular trick-or-treating alternatives for 2020
Conor Bartol, Right Behind You
October 8, 2020
The Candy-Pult If Trick-or-Treaters can’t come to you, go to them! Create your own tiny catapult with some craft supplies, and pummel the neighborhood children with candy. Their treat is your trick. Make a game of it; one point for every kid you hit. Perform a Zoom Séance ...
28 point agenda for the perfect Four Day
Kiara Paninos, (Hesitant) Possum Enthusiast
October 8, 2020
Another fall, another Four Day. Not even COVID-19 could stop the 2020 Fall Break Procrastination Bonanza from happening. But what was there to do besides carpooling to Portland and sneezing on strangers? We combined this year’s most popular Four Day activities to bring you The New and Improved Per...
Students struggling to maintain schedules based on UV-index
Madeline Kemp, 3.5-inch Punisher
October 8, 2020
This week we caught up with students who pride themselves on their bronze glow as we transition into autumn. This year in particular, the art of tanning took on new meaning for many sallow and pasty Whitties. Between wildfire smoke and lowering temps, many have reported hearing a distant unsettling wa...
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