my.Whitman ups its stalking potential by listing crush’s current location
Fielding Schaefer, Writer Of Real News
February 13, 2020
The my.Whitman portal has long been critically acclaimed across campus for its “Whitman search” function. If you’re a student attempting to recall a vaguely recognizable name that your friend is referring to, just look them up! Maybe even zoom in on their sweaty face from their first day of fr...
How to hang out with babies
Maude Lustig, Loves To Watch You Leave
February 13, 2020
Most Whitman students are nowhere near ready to have a baby. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that our bodies are gross and horny, and if this was the Middle Ages we’d probably all have three little rascals by now (ugh, take me back!). Babies are everywhere so at a certain point it’s only reaso...
Why I’ve decided to press charges against the IMLeagues website
February 13, 2020
When I entered Whitman my freshman year, I heard about the exciting opportunity for club and intramural sports. It seemed like a sleek solution for those who wanted to play sports in a casual yet semi-competitive setting with their friends, so I immediately navigated to the website. However, when I ty...
Amazon announces plans to purchase Whitman College
Elise Sanders, Dictionary Memorizer
February 10, 2020
Walla Walla has been buzzing since Jeff Bezos and Kathy Murray signed an agreement to sell Whitman College to Amazon in order to increase funding for the school. The student body, however, is very divided on the issue. “I don’t know what this means for the college,” said sophomore Hope McAlister...
Stoner rediscovers water
Maddie Ott, Devil On Wheels
February 6, 2020
After having spent 45 minutes staring at the textured ceiling in his room, Miles Thatcher – the long lost grandson of Margaret Thatcher – suddenly startled with a fright. Unaware of his vastly historical lineage, he was shocked that the sky outside had gone from being sunny and friendly to dark and ...
Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation
Annelise Ellingboe, Creature of Habit
February 6, 2020
As panic spreads about urgent issues like the coronavirus and the 2020 election, Facebook has vowed to decrease the spread of misinformation on the site. One of the first items on their to-do list is to remove all overly optimistic posts captioned “New Year, New Me!” Facebook has yet to announce their official ...
Whitman administration frantically seeks solution as first-years drop out to pursue lucrative TikTok careers
Ann Karneus, TikTok CEO
February 6, 2020
Last week it was reported that 20 percent of first-years had withdrawn their enrollment from Whitman College over winter break, with most of these decisions citing the apparent lack of inspiration for professional TikTokers. Kaitlin Basser complained that as soon as she arrived on campus in August, she...
Kid who didn’t have cable growing up has slight superiority complex
Ann Karneus, Dirty Dan
December 12, 2019
Comfortably sitting in the top 50th percentile of Whitman College, sophomore Michelle Fenley prides herself on her intellectual prowess and refined taste. Her secret? Not having cable growing up. “I didn’t really like watching TV when I was a kid. I was much more content to read a book or go and ...
Student can’t wait to get out of class and get a head start on lying in bed
December 12, 2019
Whitman junior Lena Jenkins was reported not being able to focus in her class, Rhetorical Bodies, due to all the work she has ahead of her. Finals season is upon the Whitman student body, and work beckons with a plethora of deadlines. Jenkins’s work includes (but is not limited to) two papers, a j...
First-year spontaneously combusts after saying something dumb in Encounters
Elise Sanders, Encounters Major
December 12, 2019
Last Wednesday, Professor Pluford’s Encounters class was met with disaster when student Taylor Brown spontaneously combusted in the middle of class after saying something really dumb, according to eyewitnesses. “I remember it happened at 11:25 in the morning,” student Joan Du Bois stated. ...
Stunning reveal: Adopt-a-Grandparent senior and their Whitman student are now dating!
Maddie Ott, Head Chef of Your Worst Nightmare
December 12, 2019
It’s been two weeks since Girdle Franny and her Whitman student friend, Karl Fiend, declared their love for each other. The cute couple started as mere platonic partners through Whitman’s Adopt-a-Grandparent program. When Karl first received his assignment, nobody realized how physically compati...
Kasey “Catfish” Joseph: Whitman’s Dean of Humans discovered using fake online profiles to stay in touch with student culture
Madeline Kemp, Miffed
December 5, 2019
The Dean of Humans humbly addressed the Whitman community over the weekend to apologize for the scandal caused by his use of false online identities. Throughout the fall, he created fake social media profiles, posing as students, to join class Facebook pages and listservs undetected. “I want to ass...
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