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Whitman Wire

Combined Majors Offer New Opportunities for Lost Students

Combined Majors Offer New Opportunities for Lost Students

Rebecca Gluck, Emotional Manipulator

October 8, 2017


Filed under Humor

Are you a first-year trying to decide what to major in? A sophomore about to declare? Or a senior who just realized you accidentally declared Astrology instead of Astronomy? Keep stressing kids, because Whitman has just made it a little more difficult to decide what to do with the rest of your life with t...

Walla Walla Attacked by GAC!

Winston Weigand, Gym Leader

October 8, 2017


Filed under Humor

On a brisk October evening in the quaint old town of Walla Walla, Richard Queersley sits at home and ponders his recent decision. He is anxious about what is to come, but he knows that there is no going back. After months of contemplation and countless meetings with local witch doctors, Mr. Queersley has u...

BEYONCE ON CAMPUS, NO ONE ELSE SAW?

Maude Lustig, Scurvy Survivor

October 8, 2017


Filed under Humor

Beyoncé was recently spotted on Whitman campus–by me! Queen Bey herself appeared yesterday as I was strolling through campus on a walk by myself. “Ms. Knowles, Ms. Knowles!” I exclaimed as I rushed over. “I can’t believe you’re here!” Her bodyguards blocked me from getting too close, b...

Rogue Sprinklers Continue to Terrorize Student Body

Ann Karneus, News Regurgitator

October 8, 2017


Filed under Humor

With the dry weather still at large in Walla Walla, sprinklers attacks on the Whitman campus have been reaching unprecedented amounts in recent weeks. In an announcement made last Monday by President Kathy Murray, Whitman students were warned to stay inside and be sure to stay off large areas of gras...

Health Squared Plan

Health Squared Plan

Clara Wheeler, Dumpster Scuba Diver

October 4, 2017


Filed under Humor

After the tragic deaths of many health care plans, the Senate is proposing a new health care plan specifically for their health care plans. The Health Squared Plan, as it is being called, will allow health care plans to receive medical attention for the ailments that plague them. “We can’t a...

Happy Baby: Yoga Pose or Lifestyle?

Annie Stefanides, BabyBjorn Rider

October 4, 2017


Filed under Humor

If you’re a senior like me who’s freaking out about everything we have to do this year and how there’s no time complete it all, it’s time to make haste and take action! I have–that is why I’ve decided to become an adult baby. I mean, why not? Us seniors have the whining down anyways... Oh,...

What’s Better than This? Just Guys Bein’ Dudes.

What’s Better than This? Just Guys Bein’ Dudes.

Winston Weigand, Major League Gaymer

October 4, 2017


Filed under Humor

Picture this: You’re a man. No–even better, a dude. Yes, a dude. You’re dudeing around town doing dude things (loudly slurping an energy drink, purchasing multiple gym memberships, barbecuing an expensive steak with thoroughly unwashed hands). Now, picture the same thing but with the company of...

Tony Talks: Elon Musk is a Lizard

Anthony Reale, Satirist-in-Chief

October 4, 2017


Filed under Humor

Time to face the facts, everyone. This has been an issue that I've struggled with for some time now, but I finally can confidently bring important evidence to light. Elon Musk is a lizard. Signs have pointed to this for so long!  How could we have been so blind when all the facts were right...

Ann Etymological Roast

Ann Karneus, Jellyfish Fanatic

September 28, 2017


Filed under Humor

My name is Ann. Not Annie, not Annabelle, not Anne Marie, not Anna, not even Anne! Even Google considers my name a particularly boring anomaly; the first sentence that appears when you search Ann is: “Anne, alternatively spelled Ann.” So Ann is essentially a misspelled version of an already uncharacteristically...

How To Win at Tinder

Annie Stefanides, Extreme Couponer

September 28, 2017


Filed under Humor

Hi there! My name’s Annie which people often like to rhyme with fanny or banannie and people think my last name is a disease, but maybe I’ll teach you how to pronounce it someday. I can often be found walking around the beautiful Walla Walla area with my slouchy shoulders and arms that don’t move...

Roast of Maude Lustig

Laude Mustig, Maude's Evil Twin

September 28, 2017


Filed under Humor

I have known Maude Lustig for a very long time. In that time, I have become familiar with her many flaws. I believe that Maude should be roasted because she has bad hygiene, doesn’t try very hard and is not cool. Firstly, Maude has bad hygiene. She only showers once or twice a week, maybe more if...

Rebecca Gluck Slam Dunks Humor Editor in the Dumpster!!

Rebecca Gluck, Religious Elbow Moisturizer

September 28, 2017


Filed under Humor

I don’t really know Anthony that well, but all of my interactions with him have been negative. He thinks he’s really funny but the only people who laugh at his jokes are his fake sorority sisters. And how many baseball caps does a person need? Especially when they only spend time in one place (the...

Whitman news since 1896
Humor