Lee Thomas, Existentialism in the front, absurdism in the back
• November 17, 2022
This week, leading No Nut November (NNN) competitor Michael "Mike" Okhard was kicked off the leaderboard after a blood test revealed he was using performance-enhancing steroids, such as fluoxetine and...
Conor Bartol, Running with scissors (in defiance of the laws of God and man)
• November 17, 2022
Are you plagued by inadequacy in the kitchen? Do you wield a turkey baster with the same finesse as a garden hose? Are you unable to contribute to a Thanksgiving feast with culinary skill?
Fret not!...
In a small win for Resident Assistants (RAs) everywhere, a Stanton Hall RA has managed to convince a resident to become a new RA. This thereby frees her from the ancient blood curse trapping...
November is upon us, and with its arrival, comes the age-old question: when is it appropriate to start listening to winter holiday music? Some eccentrics begin listening the second September rolls...
To the shock of the entire Whitman community, The Wire can now confirm, after months of diligent research, that it appears that North Hall still exists.
Despite Whitman sources being “pretty sure”...
Lee Thomas, Currently avoiding multiple professors
• November 10, 2022
Students-Outside-Observing-Professors Therapy, Encouragement and Affinity (SOOP TEA) is the Whitman Counseling Center's newest support group. It is designed to address the difficulties experienced by students...
Grace Canny, Psychoanalysis extraordinaire
• November 10, 2022
I know we’ve all been there in office hours. You are looking around like a fish out of water trying to take it all in. You say you’ll just steal glances here and there, but in reality, your eyes wander...
My "bare" review in brief: I can barely bear the lack of bears in "bare."
I have only myself to blame. When I reviewed a sneak preview of the new school play, "bare," I was expecting something of...
Lee Thomas, CBS Survivor champion of 2009
• November 3, 2022
Medical researchers at Zeus University uncovered a correlation between sexual partners using "daddy" and early-onset Dad Syndrome.
"It's a national epidemic," head scientist of the study, Dr. Himbo,...
Ian Lewis, not replaced by thirty garden gnomes
• November 3, 2022
After weeks of careful analysis, polling and investigative journalism, The Wire can now confirm that you, the reader of this article, are being judged by everybody.
For years, you’ve been under the...
Grace Canny, not much better than an econ major (politics)
• November 3, 2022
The tension was there from the beginning; he sat on the second tier in Olin 201, while you sat on the third. You noticed his style: weather appropriate footwear and interesting doodles. On top of all...
Samantha Fitts, very drunk (hungover)
• November 3, 2022
Writer’s note: Below is the somewhat redacted recap for "Rocky Horror" I actually wrote while wasted that night. Anything in (parenthesis) or [square brackets] is my current, very hungover, edits...
