Whitman Wire

Summer Article: Family is Disappointed When Man Baby Returns Home From College Addicted To “Game of Thrones”

Maddie Ott, My Little Pony Enthusiast

May 3, 2019

“A nicotine addiction is expected,” grumbled John Patricks, the father of Simon Patricks, speaking about his twenty-year-old full grown man baby who recently returned home from college. “Ever since Joey came home his days consist of eating two bagels in the morning, returning to his room to ...

Student awarded internship grant, will spend summer being burned alive

CJ Fritz, Sk8r Boi

May 3, 2019

Whitman student Donna Milton excitedly announced to her friends yesterday that she has been awarded the highly coveted Whitman Internship Grant for the summer of 2019. The internship grant, intended to allow students to pursue unpaid internship positions while still making money, will fund Milton...

A Whitman Year in Review

Ann Karneus, My Little Friend

May 3, 2019

During the past 2018-2019 academic year, our small liberal arts school was confronted with many a scandal and responded in the usual fashion of addressing issues at surface level and then waiting an appropriate amount of time to forget about them completely. There were no druggings (as far as we know)...

Tony Talks: Farewell

Anthony Reale, Humor Editor

May 3, 2019

It is strange to consider that Whitman will be leaving me behind in a mere two weeks, but alas, the world continues to turn and I continue to spill the filth that I consider comedy from deep within my subconscious.  Before Whitman regurgitates me with unceremonious force into what is known as the Adult...

Roasts of Tony

Roasts of Tony

May 3, 2019

Ashlyn Quintus: Anthony Reale... you mean a crepe!? Spread damn thin, but still sweet. Maddie Ott: Dearest Tony, I have not known you for very long so I am going to go for some low hanging fruit. You are really tall; sometimes I think that people always see you, but you never see other peop...

Editor Hot Takes

May 3, 2019

Anthony: Establishing a meaningful reason for why your behavior, art or performance is weird matters so much more than showing us how ‘quirky’ you are. Samarah: Everyone who frolfs kinda looks the same. Jack: During the frigid month of February I didn’t think Ankeny could possibly get any whiter. I stan...

Community Poll: What are the Top 7 Things to Do in the Cleveland Bathrooms?

Maddie Ott, 50 Cent's Mother-in-Law

April 25, 2019

The responses have been pooled. The answers came in with resounding speed and accuracy. The student body has declared what officially is going on Behind the Scenes in the Cleveland bathrooms. From bottom to top, here are your top seven answers:   #7: A good ole’ dash to the bathroom to pe...

Breaking: Mama Bear only made 79% of porridge Papa Bear made

Breaking: Mama Bear only made 79% of porridge Papa Bear made

Ann Karneus, Vogue's Shortest Correspondent '04

April 25, 2019

In a Vanity Fair article published last week, shocking allegations have come to light: the beloved bear actor Kelly Evans aka ‘Mama Bear’ from the smash hit "Goldilocks and The Three Bears" revealed that she received a salary roughly 21 percent lower than her male co-star and real-life ex-hu...

Whitman Junior’s Mother Knows More About Internet Meme Culture Than Her Son

Ashlyn Quintus, Absolute Unit

April 25, 2019

At 2 p.m. on Monday, Josh Jefferson had just completed his week-long social media cleanse during this bustling academic season and looked at his phone the first time since. To Josh’s unfortunate surprise, he noticed a plethora of messages from his mother on both Facebook and iMessage. “I thought I just...

Long-term effects of Varsity Nordic’s 24-hour show begin to be seen

Long-term effects of Varsity Nordic’s 24-hour show begin to be seen

Anthony Reale, Scented Tracksuit

April 25, 2019

A long-toasted tradition of Whitman improv tradition, the Varsity Nordic 24-hour Show happened a couple weeks ago.  After this year’s show, however, it was revealed that some intrepid senior Biology-Psychology-Anthropology-Weirdo Studies Majors have been tracking the aftermath of these shows and wh...

Op-Ed: My sexual awakening was the first black hole photo

Ann Karneus, Excellent Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe

April 19, 2019

Last Wednesday, astronomers made history when they released the first ever image of a black hole. After a collective effort of mammoth proportions — including a Silicon Valley collaboration, eight high powered telescopes, and “the data equivalent of 1.39 billion copies of 'Old Town Road' by Lil Na...

Influx of optimistic students breaks Whitties’ brains over Admitted Students’ Weekend

Influx of optimistic students breaks Whitties’ brains over Admitted Students’ Weekend

Anthony Reale, Babyback Lips

April 19, 2019

Smiling admitted students wandered around Whitman College for the first time in what seems to be millenia over this last weekend.  Whitties were confused by this sudden influx of teeth, seeing as their rampant cynicism has been the main mode of their engagement with the cosmos after their first semest...

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