Whitman Wire

How to enjoy spring break during an epidemic

How to enjoy spring break during an epidemic

Maddie Ott, A Corn Husk

March 12, 2020

With the days before everyone leaves and contracts coronavirus (COVID-19) dwindling to a close, the urge (and, quite frankly, panic) to finalize spring break plans is upon our campus.  You may be looking around and noticing that the friends you thought would commit to going on a week-long Enchantme...

Foot fetishists urge public to make carbon footprint as large as possible

Ann Karneus, Toe Sucker

March 12, 2020

Last week, Foot Fetishists United (FFU) issued a controversial press release stating that they are in support of climate change.  “While overwhelming scientific evidence shows that the planet is warming, we actually see this as a positive footstep in the right direction. We urge the public to r...

Surprising! School finds letting sick students stay home makes them healthier

Annelise Ellingboe, Hamburger Liason

March 12, 2020

Whitman faculty and staff were shocked this week as students returned to classes healthier after allowing them to stay home sick.  Following the announcement that sick students should be excused from class without verification from the health center, many professors noticed an initial drop in att...

To increase accessibility, OP will host initiation in wilderness of Ankeny Field

To increase accessibility, OP will host initiation in wilderness of Ankeny Field

Fielding Schaefer, Arc’teryx Rep Dude

March 12, 2020

Whitman has long discouraged the hazing practices of fraternities and sororities. But only recently, as the school and student body confronts the walls that restrict attaining the Whitman ideal of “outdoorsiness,” has Whitman questioned the Whitman Outdoor Program (OP)’s excruciating annual in...

Tree to student ratio shattered after fallen tree revealed to be plastic replica

Ann Karneus, Prospective Student

February 27, 2020

A bombshell realization rippled across campus last weekend after students discovered a disturbing truth: nearly all Whitman trees are fake.  After the pine tree outside the library fell this past Sunday, a student — who already had a hunch — investigated the scene and quickly deduced that the tr...

Immortal born on Leap Year celebrates 100th birthday

Elise Sanders, Going to the Store You Need Anything?

February 27, 2020

Local immortal Aurelia Brodeur will be celebrating her 100th birthday on Feb. 29, 2020. Brodeur, born almost 400 years ago, achieved immortality by means of a spooky potion brewed by an even spookier witch for the price of two goats. After spending a few centuries traveling the globe and making friends wi...

Tips and tricks to get the best bang for your buck at Cleveland Commons

Tips and tricks to get the best bang for your buck at Cleveland Commons

Fielding Schaefer, Dry-Erase Board Supremacist

February 27, 2020

Your flex dollars are precious. Despite all your good karma from returning your eco takeout and tweeting about social justice, you’re often served less dinner than you’d like. Here’s a foolproof guide on how to #hack Cleveland Commons.   Everyone knows that Bon App serves more food to bigger students....

Total rando shows up to club meeting

Total rando shows up to club meeting

Maude Lustig, Giardia Carrier

February 27, 2020

No one could have anticipated it. Grayson Pools sent out the normal emails, telling his club's listserv, “meeting in 15 minutes” and “BUMP.” Yet no one ever bumped back. Pools, who is president of the Air Quality club, made his way to the science atrium, the club's normal meeting spot. His head w...

Senior Slide becoming dangerously slippery

Annelise Ellingboe

February 20, 2020

The Senior Slide, an on-campus means of transportation reserved only for seniors, has become dangerously slippery and will be closed this week.  The Slide is meant to make spring semester easier for stressed-out seniors, cutting down transportation time so they have a few more minutes in the day to...

Heated liberal snowflakes reveal Buttigieg’s rat family via Twitter

Heated liberal snowflakes reveal Buttigieg’s rat family via Twitter

Maddie Ott

February 20, 2020

Soon after the debauchery of the Iowa Caucus, the most extreme of Bernie supporters realized that they could leverage their power against the threat of Buttigieg’s "Boomer" sponsor system. Fearless, technologically adept socialist-democrats took to the internet, collectively spurring a revolution that woul...

Simple steps to becoming an Instapoet

Simple steps to becoming an Instapoet

Elise Sanders, Kazoo Prodigy

February 20, 2020

Have you ever read a poem on Instagram by a contemporary poet you’d never heard of? And yet, when you go to their profile, you find out they have a few hundred thousand — maybe even millions — of followers and a book deal or two. Have you ever thought, “Damn, I wish I could be that successful...

Post for mom’s birthday also chance to prove parents used to be hot

Maude Lustig, Female Comedian

February 20, 2020

To commemorate her mother’s birthday, local daughter Samantha Loughlin dug through the family archives for the perfect throwback picture to showcase both the wonderful person her mother is, and her mom’s pre-baby bod.  “I think this photo will be a fun throwback for my mom. I want to remind ...

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