Kasey “Catfish” Joseph: Whitman’s Dean of Humans discovered using fake online profiles to stay in touch with student culture
Madeline Kemp, Miffed
December 5, 2019
The Dean of Humans humbly addressed the Whitman community over the weekend to apologize for the scandal caused by his use of false online identities. Throughout the fall, he created fake social media profiles, posing as students, to join class Facebook pages and listservs undetected. “I want to ass...
Birkenstock-clad student gets frostbite on toes
Elise Sanders, Ambassador for The Bermuda Triangle
December 5, 2019
The cold season is upon us; we feel it in the frosty morning air and the freezing fog. However, some students are not willing to give up fashion relics of a warmer season — and they are beginning to pay the price. Student Chad Grayson has taken a stance against the chill by wearing Birkenstocks well in...
Super fan Steve Bannon furious to learn that Ariana Grande fans not called “Aryans”
Ann Karneus, Athlete
December 5, 2019
Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon took to Twitter last night upon discovering that Ariana Grande’s fans call themselves "Arianators," and not "Aryans." “I had always searched the tag #aryan, and – while I’m always pleased with the search results – I became increasingly confu...
I don’t know what quid pro quo means and I’m too scared to ask at this point
Annelise Ellingboe, Official Zucchini Guardian
December 5, 2019
I know that I should have looked it up a long time ago, but now I think it might be too late. The acceptable duration of living in ignorance has passed. “Quid pro quo” is all I think about. I turn red when people say it, terrified they’re hoping to discuss the impeachment in detail. “So fucked up,” ...
High demand pushes counseling center to hold sessions in Reid
Ann Karneus, H0rny
November 21, 2019
As daylight savings time rolls around and seasonal depression settles over campus, the Welty Counseling Center enters its busiest time of year. In order to handle the excess of students clamoring to vent for an hour about their raging feelings of emptiness and unfulfilling hook ups, the Counseling Center...
Reel Rock 14 goes from giant Whitman orgy to more intentional sex club
Maddie Ott, Munchkin With An Appetite
November 21, 2019
Last year, Reel Rock was steamy. The greater outdoor community and their brave companions indulge in some of the most sexually explicit activity Maxey Auditorium has seen, besides Rocky Horror. Reel Rock — a series of documentaries dedicated exclusively to rock climbing and rock climbing related activ...
Local turkey busy prepping for death
Annelise Ellingboe, Vegetarian
November 21, 2019
After meeting with his lawyers this week to finalize his will, local turkey Albert Gobbleneck met me at a local diner to discuss pre-Thanksgiving stressors. “Ugh, this semester is killing me,” he said, while rummaging through his backpack for his vape pen. “Sorry. I’m just so stressed out. I have ...
Tattoo sleeves do little to keep area man warm
Elise Sanders, Are You Satisfied?
November 14, 2019
Autumn’s arrival in Walla Walla brings with it torturous cold air and freezing nights. Local man Aubrey Snow, wishing to combat the cold and save money on a winter coat, developed a seemingly foolproof plan by having jacket sleeves tattooed on his arms. “You know, I figured it would be a long te...
Top 10 foods that are much better cooked
Maude Lustig, Lover AND Fighter
November 11, 2019
Since the discovery of fire many years ago, people and things that look like people have been throwing shit on the flames and seeing what they get back. We here at The Wire have gone through thousands of foods to bring you the definitive list of the foods that you absolutely NEED to cook. Read on! ...
Obituaries for the plants that were gone too soon
Madeline Kemp, OneDirection tumblr Fan-Fiction Enthusiast
November 11, 2019
Lil Succ 20 April - 13 October 2019 Lil was eagerly adopted from the free succulent event by WEB last spring. She made it all the way home for the summer, battled a brief bout of wilting in the July heat, but persevered. Lil enjoyed poetry, long days on the shelf and tanning in her pebbles. She was ...
Child who received weed Halloween candy realizes he’s more of an indica kid
Ashlyn Quintus, Stinky Doctor Woman
November 7, 2019
On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange for a “trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” while dressed up as K...
Man who trades in iPhone for flip phone likens himself to contemporary Thoreau
Ann Karneus, Aroused
November 7, 2019
Although technology in the digital age provides us with instantaneous connections and a wealth of information, the sheer volume of these resources can lead to a life full of distractions. Sophomore Josh Frederickson is combatting this dilemma by deciding to give up his silver iPhone X for a sleek Mo...
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