Why One Local Voter Believes Hoverboards are the Most Pressing Issue in America
Winston Weigand, Gamer Girl
May 4, 2017
Filed under Humor
Three decades ago, the hoverboard was a relatively new and very exciting concept, first popularized by the “Back to the Future” film series. Although fictional, the thought of mounting this levitating board and zooming around town has captivated many since its emergence. Nowadays, the term refers...
Divest Whitman has Sacrificed One of its Own
Clara Wheeler, Level 2 Paladin
May 4, 2017
Filed under Humor
In a last ditch effort to capture the Board of Trustees’ attention, Divest Whitman has sacrificed one of its members and spread the entrails all throughout Memorial, spelling out protests like “Coal Kills,” “Divest” and, in one case that seemed to defy the amount of innards available, “Stop...
WWU Declares War on Whitman After Failed Newspaper Experiment
Rebecca Gluck, Cat Cradler
May 4, 2017
Filed under Humor
What started as a friendly swap of Walla Walla college newspaper articles two weeks ago quickly turned into an all out battle. Despite the well-meaning effort, the swap did not go according to plan. In order to encourage a sense of community between the two Walla Walla colleges, Whitman and Walla...
Behind the Scenes at the Liberal Boot Camp
Clara Wheeler, Level 2 Paladin
May 4, 2017
Filed under Humor
This week, Wire reporters went behind the scenes at a liberal boot camp to get the inside scoop on how to transform immature high schoolers into politically correct and tolerant adults. When we arrived, the soldiers of the army of equality were doing squats as a gruff but lovable Captain strode...
Isaacs Construction Uncovers President Penrose’s Tomb
Arie Knops, Corndog Librarian
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor
The Isaacs Avenue construction team made a shocking discovery early Monday morning as they uncovered stairs leading to President Penrose’s tomb. The excavation is ongoing, but the tomb appears to be modeled after King Tutankhamun’s in Egypt. Penrose often called himself “The King Tut of Whitman”...
ComRADe: the Passionate Communism Housed Within Campus Skateboarding Culture
Anthony Reale, The Guy Who Would End Up a Cook if He Were Drafted
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor
On any average day on Whitman’s campus, you’re bound to find quite a few people skateboarding, blasting past pedestrians with an excited, ‘Shaaaaaaaaaaa brooooooo!’ As common as a sighting of any duck or can of PBR, skateboards quite literally litter the campus–campus garbage collectors’ p...
Divination Professor Already Aware of Students Cheating on Her Final
Winston Weigand, Tinder MVP
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor
Whitman College has never offered a course on divination–the practice of fortune telling–until this year. In fact, no other schools of higher education have even considered it before. “It was a risky move, we know. But we’ve all seen the Harry Potter movies. Magic is goshdarn real. If I want...
Students’ Optimism Withers as Semester Reaches Close
Rebecca Gluck, Fruit Dehydrator
April 27, 2017
Filed under Humor
With only a few weeks left in the spring semester, and with finals quickly approaching, Whitman students are starting to feel the end-of-school-year stress. In addition to the lack of sleep and lack of money for alcohol, most students have expressed a sense of impending doom looming over them. For...
Whitman Trends
Anthony Reale, Crustacean Attorney
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor
The Wire has been tracking the most popular trends at Whitman College for quite some time now. Here are the best, most heartily agreed-upon trends at the jewel of Snobville, USA: Gluten-free water: The college has boasted gluten-free water for quite some time now as a precaution for the Whitman ducks. We a...
New Zealand Quietly Secedes
Rebecca Gluck, Budding Alfalfa
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor
Several months ago, the people of New Zealand made a historical decision. Instead of voting for a new representative to send to the United Nations, the country decided to secede not only from the water surrounding it, but also from the world. As of now, no one knows for sure where the island is. The only t...
Things Your Grandma Might Say About a Bag of Coffee Beans
Winston Weigand, Humor Writer
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor
“Oh dear. This reminds me of the pouch of coins I used to carry to the market to buy milk and plague medicines.” “Are they like the Tic Tacs?” “I don’t know who that green woman on the front is, but she looks deceitful.” “Your grandparents would have loved this! They used to hit me...
CRISIS: Local Man Can’t Find Keys
Clara Wheeler, Tortilla Engineer
April 20, 2017
Filed under Humor
The community is in a turmoil after Walla Walla local Paul Manning, 32, lost his keys last Sunday. “I swear I had them on me when I went into Safeway,” Manning said. “I am so embarrassed right now.” Manning had already checked all of his pockets, and had even gone back into the store to ask if t...
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