No-fail fun and funky fall crafts

Conor Bartol, Running with scissors (in defiance of the laws of God and man)

Are you plagued by inadequacy in the kitchen? Do you wield a turkey baster with the same finesse as a garden hose? Are you unable to contribute to a Thanksgiving feast with culinary skill?

Fret not! You can still help by decorating; if you follow these tips, you will be second to none.

Hand turkeys

A classic: trace your hand, draw a little eye and a snood (look it up) on the thumb, add tiny feet and boom! You have a turkey. Now, take it to the next level. What can you do with a handprint? Maybe each finger is a turkey and your palm is the hill they are sitting on. Or, perhaps each finger is the neck of a hydra-turkey; the product of mad science gone wrong! Try out different art styles as you color the hand turkey in. Picasso? Dali? Pollock? Go nuts with it! Your guests will be impressed and perhaps even slightly disturbed.


You know, that horn shaped basket with all the gourds and fruit inside. If you don’t have one, it can be easily woven out of reeds and long grasses. Simply arrange it nicely with some autumnal goodies. When placing it, don’t forget the rule of thirds: only a third of whatever you put in there will be eaten, at most. Plan accordingly.

Get the tunes going

Every get together needs music! If you’re like me and can’t play an instrument worth a damn (but I’m improving at guitar, I swear), then you need some good songs. I recommend “Alice’s Restaurant Massacre” by Arlo Guthrie and “Be Thankful for What You Got” by William DeVaughn. I also recommend the “Spider-Man” soundtrack by Danny Elfman. That movie has a Thanksgiving scene, right? I’ll be honest folks, Christmas music is simply way more ubiquitous (as my colleague Carmel could tell you). You may have to get creative here.

I hope you have a truly joyous time this holiday season. Now, one final tip: if any ugly arguments erupt around the dinner table, start an impromptu show-and-tell with your hydra-turkeys. That should change the topic of conversation real quick.