Horses demand their dewormer from anti-vaxxers

Conor Bartol, Ass-half of the two-person horse costume

Misinformation, conspiracy theories, pseudoscience: the effort to vaccinate Americans against COVID-19 has faced a lot of hurdles, least of which is some people’s propensity to turn toward untested “treatments” in lieu of a vaccine. The most recent fad among anti-vaxxers is the horse deworming medicine ivermectin. Naturally, health officials advise against this, but the group with the biggest stake in the matter are the horses themselves.

This week dozens of horses gathered on the steps of Capitol Hill to demand an end to human use of ivermectin. “Horse medicine is for us horses. We want a law to ensure that we get the medicine we need,” said one horse. A different mare complained, “My foals are chock full of worms. How am I supposed to make them feel better if all the ivermectin is gone?”

Congress, however, has been slow to enact any legislation that could help these horses, calling it a “low priority” at the moment.

Meanwhile, horses across the nation have said that it would “behoove us to move quickly” and that the people taking ivermectin should “pony up” what they have to the horses who really need it.

However, those humans are slow to part with their medicine. According to one man, “Ivermectin has helped me a lot. I mean, I did get COVID one time. Well, a few times. But the important thing is my tapeworms are dead. Plus it shields me from 5G and chemtrails. Also, it lets me see the flat Earth. Most people can’t cause of the chemicals they put in the water.”

The situation is far from stable. Tensions flared last night when a group of horses stole dozens of vaccines and vowed only to return them if they got their ivermectin in return. Currently they are still in a stalemate with police and health officials, who have attempted to appease the horses with oats, fresh apples and sugar cubes.

Meanwhile, horses have continued to gather to ask the government to get them their medicine, and while their resolve is strong, it hasn’t been easy. One said, “If another person asks me ‘why the long face?’ I will stomp them.”