Whitman Wire

Pumpkin pandemonium: 5 new pumpkin items you just have to try!

Ben Kearney, Your friendly neighborhood pumpkin analyzer September 23, 2021

Hey all you fall lovers out there! That’s right, it’s pumpkin season baby! Whether you take your pumpkin basic, or like to spice it up, there’s a variety of new pumpkin items just waiting...

Horses demand their dewormer from anti-vaxxers

Conor Bartol, Ass-half of the two-person horse costume September 23, 2021

Misinformation, conspiracy theories, pseudoscience: the effort to vaccinate Americans against COVID-19 has faced a lot of hurdles, least of which is some people’s propensity to turn toward untested “treatments”...

Auntie Lee’s Advice: for the embarrassed student

Lee Thomas, awake for the last 48 hours September 23, 2021

Dear Auntie Lee,  I'm a first-year student at Whitman, and these last few weeks were rough. I already feel I've ruined my future here because of all the embarrassment I've caused myself recently. I...

A brief review of James Corden’s crimes against humanity

Carmel Stephan, Peter Rabbit, in the flesh September 23, 2021

James Kimberley Corden, Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, is neither a jack or master of any trade, yet Hollywood still suckles off his chapped teat like a newborn kitten. This...

Fundraiser established to send Jeff Bezos to space and keep him there

Fundraiser established to send Jeff Bezos to space and keep him there

Lee Thomas, President of PALT (the People Against Lee Thomas) organization September 16, 2021

Jeff Bezos, the "self-made" billionaire, shocked the world when he shot a load of metal into space with himself inside. While he only lasted a few minutes, many have been speculating over what this means...

Game of pickup basketball ends poorly when the only sports equipment on campus is frisbees

Sammy Fitts, Monster Girl Enthusiast September 16, 2021

Tragedy struck when a group of Jewett residents traveled to Menlo Park to play basketball after finding a ball on Ankeny. They rushed back to their rooms and grabbed everything they needed: water bottles,...

Sophomores go undercover as class of 2025

Conor Bartol, Human Bean September 16, 2021

Whitman College’s class of 2025, once thought to be the largest ever, is a bit smaller than was once thought. The cause? Dozens of first-years are actually sophomores in disguise acting out an attempt...

So you’re going to have to poop in college and other first year dilemmas

Carmel Stephan, Shit or get off the pot please. September 16, 2021

This summer, as you sat your bare ass down on the porcelain throne, it may have occurred to you that this level of comfort would soon cease to exist. You wouldn’t be pooping in your private residence...

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

The sweet onion to end all sweet onions has been discovered

Conor Bartol, Useful Idiot September 24, 2020

Walla Walla Sweet Onion farmers reported that they have grown the sweetest Sweet Onion ever. So sweet, in fact, that it appears local farmers have given up Sweet Onions for good. “What’s the point...

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Whitman Wire faces lawsuit over bird homicide

Rachel Husband, Naked & Afraid September 24, 2020

The Wire is coming under legal charges for its coverage of the Pioneer Park Aviary Massacre in a recent podcast. In May of this year, a dozen birds were killed in three separate attacks and more were left...

Summer 2020 internships newly posted to Handshake

Madeline Kemp, Lean, Mean, Fighting Cuisine September 24, 2020

It’s your lucky day Whitties! Check your inboxes – all of them, spam included – to explore the plethora of employment options for this summer, freshly updated this fall on Handshake. We all know...

A climate-denier’s guide to all this smoke

Fielding Schaefer, who swears he didn’t write this September 24, 2020

**This op-ed was anonymously submitted to The Wire** To my fellow Whitman students:   I am a Whitman student, and I have been silent for too long. The climate-denying closet is a cold, dark...

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