Stoner rediscovers water
Maddie Ott, Devil On Wheels
February 6, 2020
After having spent 45 minutes staring at the textured ceiling in his room, Miles Thatcher – the long lost grandson of Margaret Thatcher – suddenly startled with a fright. Unaware of his vastly historical lineage, he was shocked that the sky outside had gone from being sunny and friendly to dark and ...
Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation
Annelise Ellingboe, Creature of Habit
February 6, 2020
As panic spreads about urgent issues like the coronavirus and the 2020 election, Facebook has vowed to decrease the spread of misinformation on the site. One of the first items on their to-do list is to remove all overly optimistic posts captioned “New Year, New Me!” Facebook has yet to announce their official ...
Whitman administration frantically seeks solution as first-years drop out to pursue lucrative TikTok careers
Ann Karneus, TikTok CEO
February 6, 2020
Last week it was reported that 20 percent of first-years had withdrawn their enrollment from Whitman College over winter break, with most of these decisions citing the apparent lack of inspiration for professional TikTokers. Kaitlin Basser complained that as soon as she arrived on campus in August, she...
Child who received weed Halloween candy realizes he’s more of an indica kid
Ashlyn Quintus, Stinky Doctor Woman
November 7, 2019
On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange for a “trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” while dressed up as K...
Area man who bought king sized candy bars for trick-or-treaters clearly compensating for something
Ann Karneus, Youtuber
November 1, 2019
Last Friday, area man John Studebaker was spotted exiting Safeway with an estimated $400 worth of Halloween candy. Kent Jameson, the cashier who handled the bizarre transaction, weighed in. “Get this — he bought like 300 fucking full-sized Snickers bars. He kept picking them up off the ch...
Skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with
Maude Lustig, Three Stomachs
October 31, 2019
Awww, how sad :( This skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with (get it?). One month ago the skeleton made a very public prom-posal to Jennifer Beef, the most popular girl in the senior class. They filled her locker with dirt and loose rocks before school. When Jennifer opened the locker, the rocks an...
Reid Market dresses up as Whole Foods
Madeline Kemp, Meme Archivist
October 31, 2019
One of the spookiest costumes being flaunted this season is that of Reid Market, with a stunning rendering of an authentic Whole Foods Market. We started noticing the resemblance back in August, so this Halloween the market is fully embracing its look by incorporating more decorative gourds and stra...
Top 5 candies to hand out for a bitchin’ Halloween
Elise Sanders, Allergic To Not Having Fun
October 28, 2019
Do you feel a disconnect from this generation’s youth, so great that you don’t even know what to give them on Halloween? Well, don’t you worry. Take my advice, and your house will be the most popular on the block. Circus Peanuts Kids love these classic treats. Nothing brings joy to thei...
Atmosphere at nice restaurant ruined by local six-year-old
Elise Sanders, Milk Drinker
October 24, 2019
It seemed like it would be a nice, romantic evening to diners at restaurant Le Ratatouille last Sunday night. Things would quickly take a jarring turn for the worst when a couple brought their 6-year-old through the door. “It’s that same sense of dread of you feel when a baby gets on the plane,...
Whitman unveils plans for “Resting Bitch Place”: Where the angriest bitches can finally rest
Annelise Ellingboe, Bitch
October 24, 2019
Following the completion of the Reid and Jewett cafes, Whitman has announced that they will be breaking ground on a new hangout spot where even the angriest of bitches can hang. Named “Resting Bitch Place”(RBP), the lounge will offer refuge from the putrid hellscape of the world outside. Within RB...
Sweatier weather: Jewett plague gets moist
Madeline Kemp, Rodeo Clown
October 21, 2019
There has been a lot of buzz around Jewett lately, and The Wire can tell you why. With fall upon us, naturally, it's cold and flu season. Many of us students are all too familiar with the annual Jewett Plague that strikes the close-quartered first-years around this time, and this year is no exceptio...
Whitman Arts Corner: An SNL review from Regis, Whitman’s oldest student
Ashlyn Quintus, Column Coordinator
October 19, 2019
This week's edition of the Whitman Arts Corner column is brought to you by Regis (b. 1933, class of 2023), Whitman’s oldest current student. This week it is of my utmost pleasure to share with you my take on the hit comedy show, "Saturday Night Live." I loved the show as a young adult and remembe...
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