Whitman Wire

The sweet onion to end all sweet onions has been discovered

Illustration by Allyson Kim.
September 24, 2020

Walla Walla Sweet Onion farmers reported that they have grown the sweetest Sweet Onion ever. So sweet, in fact, that it appears local farmers have given up Sweet Onions for good. “What’s the point...

Whitman Wire faces lawsuit over bird homicide

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.
September 24, 2020

The Wire is coming under legal charges for its coverage of the Pioneer Park Aviary Massacre in a recent podcast. In May of this year, a dozen birds were killed in three separate attacks and more were left...

Summer 2020 internships newly posted to Handshake

September 24, 2020

It’s your lucky day Whitties! Check your inboxes – all of them, spam included – to explore the plethora of employment options for this summer, freshly updated this fall on Handshake. We all know...

A climate-denier’s guide to all this smoke

September 24, 2020

**This op-ed was anonymously submitted to The Wire** To my fellow Whitman students:   I am a Whitman student, and I have been silent for too long. The climate-denying closet is a cold, dark...

Biden team allegedly spends campaign funds at local yard sale

September 17, 2020

Flying high off his recent success at the Democratic National Convention, Joe Biden and his campaign staff have been busy preparing for the upcoming election this November. However, this didn’t stop...

Marcus Whitman statue posted to listserv scribbled burgundy in MS paint

September 17, 2020

A year ago today, the Marcus Whitman statue woke up with hot sauce all over his face and Bible. He attempted to lick his big mess up, but he soon realized that his bronze frame would take millennia to...

Disney announces “Star Wars: Babies”

Illustration by Allyson Kim.
September 17, 2020

Following breakout "The Mandalorian" star and subsequent meme The Child, colloquially known as Baby Yoda, Disney has announced a new show: "Star Wars: Babies." The show will be a more kid-friendly look...

Mask? Required. Clothes? Optional! Nudist 5k commences

Illustration by Annika Bauerle.
September 17, 2020

Marathons and running events have been cancelled all across the world, but the Whitman Cross Country team decided to let it all hang loose in a masks-required, clothing-optional nudist 5k. The competition...

Study Finds Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme Can Fuel A Small Fan for Seven Days

September 10, 2020

Summer is winding down, but it's still hot across the country, leaving many Americans looking for properly air conditioned fast food restaurants. But you may think twice about frequenting your local Taco...

Things I Can Now Accomplish During Remote Class Sessions

September 10, 2020

Two weeks into our remote semester and not only am I continually enlightened by the content of my courses, I am also experiencing revelations about productivity like never before. Once I stopped fighting...

Microsoft Replaces Internet Explorer with Internet Conqueror

September 10, 2020

Internet Explorer is dead, long live Internet Conqueror. Microsoft recently announced they would be shutting down their twenty-five-year-old browser, Internet Explorer. While this was a shock to the tech...

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty
September 10, 2020

A new meaning was brought to “virtual reality” when first-year, Lostun Fount, was rescued from the social event platform GatherDotTown the week after orientation. Fount had unknowingly downloaded some...

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