Whitman Wire

Biden team allegedly spends campaign funds at local yard sale

Rachel Husband, Unregistered Voter

September 17, 2020

Flying high off his recent success at the Democratic National Convention, Joe Biden and his campaign staff have been busy preparing for the upcoming election this November. However, this didn’t stop him from enjoying some leisure time over the weekend. In his trademark aviators and dashing jean jacke...

Marcus Whitman statue posted to listserv scribbled burgundy in MS paint

Fielding Schaefer, Fake Housewife of Beverly Hills :(

September 17, 2020

A year ago today, the Marcus Whitman statue woke up with hot sauce all over his face and Bible. He attempted to lick his big mess up, but he soon realized that his bronze frame would take millennia to bend down to do that. Suddenly he wished that he would’ve brought his mother along the Oregon Tra...

Disney announces “Star Wars: Babies”

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

Conor Bartol, Voyager to Lands Unknown

September 17, 2020

Following breakout "The Mandalorian" star and subsequent meme The Child, colloquially known as Baby Yoda, Disney has announced a new show: "Star Wars: Babies." The show will be a more kid-friendly look at "Star Wars" that will “follow the adventures of Baby Yoda and his adorable friends as they travel the gal...

Mask? Required. Clothes? Optional! Nudist 5k commences

Illustration by Annika Bauerle.

Kiara Paninos, also ran

September 17, 2020

Marathons and running events have been cancelled all across the world, but the Whitman Cross Country team decided to let it all hang loose in a masks-required, clothing-optional nudist 5k. The competition will take place on Skankeny field this coming Wednesday at high noon. The Naked Mile is a Whi...

Study Finds Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme Can Fuel A Small Fan for Seven Days

Rachel Husband, Enchilada Enthusiast

September 10, 2020

Summer is winding down, but it's still hot across the country, leaving many Americans looking for properly air conditioned fast food restaurants. But you may think twice about frequenting your local Taco Bell after researchers at Grand Canyon University released information regarding their recent studies ...

Things I Can Now Accomplish During Remote Class Sessions

Madeline Kemp, Naughty Possum

September 10, 2020

Two weeks into our remote semester and not only am I continually enlightened by the content of my courses, I am also experiencing revelations about productivity like never before. Once I stopped fighting the urge to practice any self-discipline, I discovered a whole new world of efficiency. The best p...

Microsoft Replaces Internet Explorer with Internet Conqueror

Conor Bartol, Lovable Scamp

September 10, 2020

Internet Explorer is dead, long live Internet Conqueror. Microsoft recently announced they would be shutting down their twenty-five-year-old browser, Internet Explorer. While this was a shock to the tech world, the bigger shock was the news of its replacement, Internet Conqueror. When asked about ...

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty

Breaking: Student trapped in Gather.town, RA found guilty

Kiara Paninos, Timothy Shallot’s Gardener

September 10, 2020

A new meaning was brought to “virtual reality” when first-year, Lostun Fount, was rescued from the social event platform GatherDotTown the week after orientation. Fount had unknowingly downloaded some malware by clicking on an advertisement claiming to sell shoes previously owned by that one guy who climb...

Stoner rediscovers water

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Maddie Ott, Devil On Wheels

February 6, 2020

After having spent 45 minutes staring at the textured ceiling in his room, Miles Thatcher – the long lost grandson of Margaret Thatcher – suddenly startled with a fright. Unaware of his vastly historical lineage, he was shocked that the sky outside had gone from being sunny and friendly to dark and ...

Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation

Illustration by Hannah Paul

Annelise Ellingboe, Creature of Habit

February 6, 2020

As panic spreads about urgent issues like the coronavirus and the 2020 election, Facebook has vowed to decrease the spread of misinformation on the site. One of the first items on their to-do list is to remove all overly optimistic posts captioned “New Year, New Me!”  Facebook has yet to announce their official ...

Whitman administration frantically seeks solution as first-years drop out to pursue lucrative TikTok careers

Ann Karneus, TikTok CEO

February 6, 2020

Last week it was reported that 20 percent of first-years had withdrawn their enrollment from Whitman College over winter break, with most of these decisions citing the apparent lack of inspiration for professional TikTokers. Kaitlin Basser complained that as soon as she arrived on campus in August, she...

Child who received weed Halloween candy realizes he’s more of an indica kid

Illustration by Anika Vucicevic

Ashlyn Quintus, Stinky Doctor Woman

November 7, 2019

On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange for a “trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” while dressed up as K...

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