Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Where the Printed Wire Articles Go Each Week

Illustration by Tali Hastings

You may have noticed the presence of 20 million copies of The Wire distributed around campus. However, what may have escaped your notice is the transition to fresh editions each week, leaving readers to wonder: where do the old editions end up?

It turns out The Wire has a deeper connection to Whitman than people may realize, as the editors donate newspapers to the school as charity — who are always in desperate need of donations. If you weren’t aware of that, wait until you’re an alum and receive a call from Baker Center asking for money. Thanks to The Wire’s newspapers, the school can maximize its savings rather than putting funds towards projects that could improve construction, food quality and athletic apparel.

For instance, the school saved a significant amount of money on the freshmen dorms by building the walls out of recycled newspaper copies instead of drywall. Despite the fact that every sound within those walls – from a whisper to a faked orgasm – is amplified for all residents to hear, what truly matters above all else is the amount of savings the school achieved. 

Additionally, The Wire serves as leverage for the school to boost its revenue by offering newspapers to fraternities such as Phi Delta Theta for their fire pit, bribing them into selling their home and turning it into school property. Perhaps with next week’s issue, the school will refurbish the walls to be as paper thin as Anderson’s. 

Aside from construction, the school has been able to save money on food, and by food I mean spices, and by spices, I mean any source of flavor. Whitman has sold strips of newspaper, with the taste of chemicals from the ink replacing spice, to Bon App. For the students who claim to have gotten food poisoning from Cleve: It’s not just food poisoning – it’s ink poisoning.

Whitman has even expanded its cost-saving measures to the Athletics Department by recycling newspapers for items such as baseball uniforms, which is the reason they are excessively tight and reveal everything. Actually, these financial sustainability efforts may not be so bad after all, especially for those seated in the stadium. 

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