Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Wheat Fields Turn Into Weed Fields: Whitman’s Tuition Cut Plan

In a groundbreaking announcement that has students and Circle K parking lot dwellers alike buzzing with excitement, Whitman College has revealed its innovative plan to combat soaring tuition costs: converting all available wheat fields into weed fields. Yes, you heard it right — our beloved campus is getting a little greener, and no, we’re not just talking about recycling more.

Sustainability President Dr. Mary Jo Anna disclosed the plan during a recent, very hazy, board meeting.

“It’s high time we address the financial strain on our students,” she said, puffing on evidence of early agricultural success. “Plus, our botany department needed a new research project. We thought a new proprietary Indica strain might be worth looking into.”

The economic model is simple yet genius: cultivate vast amounts of cannabis, sell it to legally operating dispensaries (and maybe that sketchy van down the street) and use the profits to subsidize student tuition. Economics professors have hailed the strategy as “a joint effort in financial stability and horticultural prowess.”

What about the ethical implications, you ask? According to the college’s newly appointed Dean of Dank, Dr. Reefer, “It’s all about giving back to the community. Also, our philosophy majors argued it was morally green-lighted, right after their class on Nietzsche.”

As for the student body, reactions have ranged from thrilled to absolutely stoked. “I used to pay my tuition selling textbooks,” said one senior, “but this is a much better business model. Also, does anyone have snacks?”

While some parents might be concerned about the potential for increased munchies-related expenses, students are eagerly enrolling in the new elective, “The Art of Rolling: A Joint Venture,” which has already seen a 420 percent increase in registration. The new venture is already at odds with the dreaded smoking ban that is rumored to envelop campus soon. Student smoking rights groups are already planning to fight for their tobacco, which could spark our very first eco-war.

In closing, let’s all breathe deeply as Whitman takes higher education to new heights. And remember, it’s not just about smoking the competition — it’s about growing from it.

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