Sophomores go undercover as class of 2025

Conor Bartol, Human Bean

Whitman College’s class of 2025, once thought to be the largest ever, is a bit smaller than was once thought. The cause? Dozens of first-years are actually sophomores in disguise acting out an attempt to vicariously recapture their lost first year of college.

An anonymous sophomore said they are pretending to be a first year in order to “get the proper freshman experience” after being denied it due to COVID-19. “We never got the real-deal orientation,” said one. “I’m a sophomore, but there’s still so much I don’t know and haven’t done. Disguising myself as a first year student is the only way to find out.”

These imposters have taken extreme measures to camouflage themselves among the freshmen, including forging new identities and adopting prosthetic disguises, to great effect. However, others have had less success, relying on fake mustaches and obvious sham names like “Jimmy Youngster.”

Needless to say, the administration is not thrilled and has cracked down hard on these students. Last week eight faux-freshmen were detected by being a bit too knowledgeable about their classes. “I know my students are smart cookies, but there was something about this group,” said the professor who caught them. “Their knowledge, not just of the subject, but of my class specifically, was uncanny. Also, they were all wearing large, ugly wigs, which naturally aroused my suspicions.”

The students later admitted to the ruse. However, they claimed none of them were wearing wigs, and they found the professor’s comments “kind of rude, actually.”

Following the bust, Whitman has been increasingly vigilant and undercover students have been increasingly careful, fully dissolving into their new identities as freshmen. As one of them put it, “this is my life now, and it’s a good life. I’ve heard that college is a time to reinvent yourself, and I’d say I’ve done that.”

The student then ran and dove into some bushes to avoid someone they thought they recognized from last year. Such is the life of a sophomore in freshman’s clothing.