The sweet onion to end all sweet onions has been discovered

Conor Bartol, Useful Idiot

Walla Walla Sweet Onion farmers reported that they have grown the sweetest Sweet Onion ever. So sweet, in fact, that it appears local farmers have given up Sweet Onions for good.

“What’s the point in growing more Sweet Onions?” said one farmer. “What do you do after you summit Everest? There is no higher peak to climb.”

News of the sweetest onion spread quickly throughout Walla Walla after it was first reported by an anonymous onion farmer. He apparently found only one viable onion in his entire crop, the rest of them being withered and bland, “as if they gave all their sweetness and vitality to the one.” He described the one good onion as tasting “purer than a forest stream, brighter than starlight. When I bit into it, I saw all possible futures, and there was not a single tomorrow in which this onion was ever surpassed.”

Botanists have confirmed that the onion was the sweetest they have seen and that it physically could not have been sweeter. However, they had no clue as to why the onion was so sweet, leading to rampant speculation about genetic modification, hazardous waste in the ground and witchcraft. Nevertheless, it was undeniably the sweetest.

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

In response to this news, Walla Walla farmers solemnly agreed to shut down Sweet Onion farming, deciding, after a job well done, that further onion growing would be redundant and, ultimately, futile. The Walla Walla Sweet Onion Marketing Committee released a statement reading:

 “It is with a heavy heart that we announce the end of the Walla Walla Sweet Onion. Through unknown means, we have created our masterpiece, and we could not aspire to anything greater. This is the way the Walla Walla Sweet Onion ends, not with a whimper, but a bang.”

The Committee also released a short poem in honor of the onions:


Our sorrow may be layered, but the root of it is this,

Of all the world’s onions, you were the sweetest.

Now we tip our cap to thee, but we shallot shed a tear,

Farewell Walla Walla Sweet, we will miss you dear.