North Hall Haunted House cancelled after real phantom discovered

Conor Bartol, Professional Shenaniganizer

Prior to its closure, North Hall, former hospital and first-year hell hole, was the site of the extremely scary annual haunted house on campus. Now that it’s open again, the haunted house is back on. That is, it was, but it has been cancelled again after the discovery of a legitimate supernatural mystery.

Students living in North recently observed “pretty standard spooky stuff,” including bleeding walls, objects flying around, ghastly moans, flickering lights and a variety of other cliché horror-movie fare.

Things became more sinister after multiple students disappeared and were later found miles away in the wheat fields with no memory of how they got there. Following this, students found it increasingly difficult to enter or remain in the building, as doors slammed shut to bar their entrance or they were flung backwards onto the lawn.

Illustration by Paloma Link.

Whitman has called in some supernatural investigators to crack the case. “Our working theory,” said one, “is that when North was closed, the ghosts moved in. They got real comfy, and now that the building is being used as a dorm again, they don’t like sharing the space, so they’re trying to evict the students.”

The Wire attempted to reach out to the ghosts for a statement, to no avail. However, the next day we did receive an unmarked package containing a cassette tape. Unfortunately, it appears to contain only static, and we could only listen to a few seconds of it before it started to make our ears bleed.

As the investigation continues, Whitman has struggled to accommodate the displaced students, and has set up a temporary living space on Ankeny (to the dismay of ultimate frisbee teams).

Until the situation is resolved, here are some pieces of advice to avoid any spooky problems:

  • Stay clear of inexplicably cold spots or ectoplasm.
  • Avoid snacking in ghost-prone areas: they will be envious of your ability to eat and may get angry.
  • Finally, and most importantly: if you encounter a hostile spirit, do not sing the Ghostbusters theme. They are sick of hearing it and will instantly be provoked into a frenzy.