The Wire sold to Jeff Bezos

Conor Bartol, Be seeing you around 

Dear Readers,

We are sad to announce that, as of the publication of this week’s newspaper, The Wire will no longer exist. Shockingly, Jeff Bezos has purchased The Wire for a mere $15 and has chosen to immediately cease publication. What follows is an explanation and a sincere thank you.

Due to the college’s impending financial crisis, the Financial Sustainability Committee decided to sell The Wire in an effort to turn a profit. This decision was kept a secret to avoid backlash, and The Wire was put up for auction. However, there was no bidding war as anticipated. There was only one interested buyer, Jeff Bezos, offering just $15.

Bezos’ paltry offer was matched with a promise to bail the school out of its financial woes if it met “certain conditions”. No one knows what those are, but the overnight teardown of the Marcus Whitman statue and its replacement with a bronze Jeff Bezos (but keeping Marcus’ epigraph) may be some indication.

While some at The Wire have speculated that this is Kathy Murray’s revenge for the article about her visit to Cancun with Ted Cruz, this remains hearsay.

All of us here at The Wire were heartbroken to learn the paper is being shut down in favor of Bezos’ own publication, and that we are being replaced by Amazon drones who are, in Bezos’ own words, “smarter, more efficient and superior to human journalists in every way.”

Thank you all for your continued support of this paper over the years. Without it, The Wire could not have existed. Good luck to those searching for a new school in the wake of this news, and to those who have already sold your souls, good luck at the soon-to-be-rechristened Bezos University.

With gratitude,

The Wire Staff