Fundraiser established to send Jeff Bezos to space and keep him there


Lee Thomas, President of PALT (the People Against Lee Thomas) organization

Jeff Bezos, the “self-made” billionaire, shocked the world when he shot a load of metal into space with himself inside. While he only lasted a few minutes, many have been speculating over what this means for our relationship with the cosmos. Some fear that mankind’s encroachment into the galaxy will only spread destruction akin to our actions toward our own planet. Others are delighted with dreams of developing our understanding of space. And even more have greater optimism about Bezos’ ability to jerk himself off into the stars: the bastard won’t be on Earth anymore.

Last week, a petition titled “Ground control to Major Asshole” kick-started with the goal of 100 signatures. The petition’s creator, Anne Tifah, shared: “I was looking for a community as enthusiastic about space exploration as I. And who better to throw off the planet than the biggest P.O.S. currently inhabiting it?” What happened next stunned her: within an hour, the petition amassed 3,000 signatures, all supporting her idea. 

Soon enough, the petition developed into the fundraiser: “Aim for the blackhole!” Not a week has passed and the dollars keep skyrocketing.

Yesterday, an anonymous user donated $1.8 billion to the cause. The mystery philanthropist is rumored to be MacKenzie Scott, the self-made ex-wife-of-a-billionaire, and One of the Good Ones. She is known for standing atop her marble balcony, tossing single dollar bills for hundreds of various organizations to clamber for like kids in a Chuck E. Cheese ticket blaster. Talk about a radical socialist queen! 

Currently, the fundraiser rests at $11.6 billion: twice the amount needed to get Bezos into space the first time. Nearly every inhabitant of the planet has chipped in what little they could to get this man off the globe. In the famous words of Neil Armstrong: “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”