So you’re going to have to poop in college and other first year dilemmas

Carmel Stephan, Shit or get off the pot please.

This summer, as you sat your bare ass down on the porcelain throne, it may have occurred to you that this level of comfort would soon cease to exist. You wouldn’t be pooping in your private residence for much longer. You would be going to have to poop in college. 

While your friends from home boast about having suite style dorms, you’re in luck with five stall bathrooms equipped with less than dependable locks and the possibility of finding a lone turd floating in the commode.  You’ll get used to the three way stand-offs between you, the stall next to you and the stall in the corner; everyone waiting in anxious silence for the other two to leave so they can let it rip and give birth to yesterday’s buffalo chicken sandwich. Pee shyness may be a passing stage, but shit shyness… that’s a lifelong pursuit. 

Adjacent to pooping, there’s the strictly transactional place of business: the shower. You go in, you wash, you rinse, you dry, you leave. Despite this seeming simplicity, it is by far the most daunting logistical quandary. Where do I undress myself and how do I eventually transport myself back to my room? What happens when all the showers are taken up and I have class very soon? Well, 1. You’ll figure it out. 2. You’re just S.O.L. 

Don’t worry though, similar dilemmas are not limited to the bathroom. Other examples include learning how to not make an obscene amount of noise when opening your notebook and laptop in the library. Also, realizing that, despite what high school taught you, you don’t have to carry all your belongings in your backpack 24/7. 

In time you’ll figure it out, the shower will make sense and you’ll be the one scoffing at people in the library, but the poop problem will persist. The solution? Well, everyone has their spot on campus they like to do the deed. Now, where’s mine? That I will never tell.