Whitman Wire

Yee: It’s spreading and it’s spreading fast

Annelise Ellingboe, Darth Vader Ginsberg

October 9, 2019

The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially called “YeeYeeism,” has ripped through Whitman campus, rendering affected young men unable to re...

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros

Elise Sanders, Voted Most Likely To Cry In High School

October 9, 2019

Hey bros, are you ready for some life-changing advice? Of course you are — bros are always down for that. Listen here, I was listening to this scientific podcast the other day and they argued that 3-in-1 body wash does not make a good face wash. Yeah, I was shocked too. But I really trust this podcast...

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Maddie Ott, Eats Raw Tea Bags

October 9, 2019

Perhaps once upon a time, skintight cycling shorts and a Whitman-sponsored cycling jersey got Whitman students all flustered and up in a chatter; however, things are changing around campus, and the leadership on the cycling team can sense this. As senior captain Wiggy Leener put it, “We need atten...

Thank god: These seven ideas will save your four day

Ann Karneus

October 9, 2019

With Four Day looming, we know you’re scrambling to figure out a plan. But never fear — these travel tips will elevate your break from a solid four to a soft six.  Go to Portland. Carpool with a random Whitman student and make uncomfortable conversation for four hours. F**k a voodoo donut! B...

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief

Elise Sanders, Saw A Salamander Once

October 3, 2019

Last Sunday, local pensive 19th century poet Loventry Poesworth-Byrontë found cause to celebrate when he was rushed to the clinic after he began coughing blood into his delicately embroidered, monogrammed lace handkerchief.  “I found him in an absolute fit!” recalled housekeeper Mrs. Carfax. “I was in...

School district meets standard quota of one creepy teacher

Ann Karneus, Recovering Candy Crush Addict

October 3, 2019

Late last week, Barry Crendshaw was selected by the Fairfield, Iowa, school board to fill the highly anticipated creep-in-residence position.  As a cultural and institutional staple of the American education system, the presence of one creepy teacher per school district has been celebrated for gene...

Alum looking forward to wild night in Health Center

Madeline Kemp

September 30, 2019

Last weekend was alumni weekend, and Dave Teppner, class of ‘83, knew exactly how he wanted to relive his favorite party nights at Whitman. There would be the obligatory spots, of course, to show the kids how it's done. But what really mattered was making it to the only place that truly signifies a lege...

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Roommate’s boyfriend is over again

Maude Lustig, Saucy Minx

September 30, 2019

Gracie Hardway cheerfully boop be-bopped home Wednesday night to share some exciting news with her housemate Hannah: she had finally gotten her period. She threw open the door with an excited, “honey, I’m home!” only to see a male figure seated on the couch.  “Oh... hey Damien,” Gracie greeted. Dami...

Whitman’s One and Only Advice Radio Show

Whitman’s One and Only Advice Radio Show

Michelle Foster, A&E Editor

February 15, 2018

A blend of humor and well-meaning advice finds its home in the recently-started KWCW radio show “The Curl of the Burl.” Hosted by Koby Haigerty ’21 and Ethan Treadwell ’21, the show serves as Whitman’s very own advice radio show. “The Curl of the Burl” is no ordinary source of advice; it i...

Cops Call Crook’s Creators

Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout

March 9, 2017

Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children...

Attention: If You or a Loved One Have Been Probed By Aliens, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation

Winston Weigand, Ex-Cheetah Girl

March 9, 2017

Have you suddenly woken up in the middle of the night naked and sweating profusely? Are you plagued by disturbing mental images of tall, pale figures? Do you experience vague and recurrent pains? If so, it is likely that you have been abducted and probed by aliens. Recent studies show that thousands...

Clinton Family Christmas Wish List

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer

December 1, 2016

The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some li...

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