Ashlyn and Annelise say bye bye :'(
Annelise Ellingboe and Ashlyn Quintus
May 16, 2020
Accommodating Annelise, Everything is changing. Just found out that I have to graduate at the end of the month? What the heck? I guess I didn't realize it, because I've spent the last few months pushing sand from this tiny zen garden back and forth in the other room. By the time it finally got sm...
Life hack: Webkinz is free and nothing is stopping you from signing up right now
Ann Karneus, ringlord
May 15, 2020
Quarantine undisputedly sucks, but fortunately there is a silver lining. With all the free time it has afforded me – as well as the encouragement I’ve received to revert back to an unhealthy, childlike state – I’ve discovered that Webkinz accounts are now free. While this opportunity may seem inconsequent...
Local man to sell his antibodies online
Fielding Schaefer, Professional Quarantinist
May 6, 2020
“We’re all out of work here. I see no better way to pass the time while raking in some cash than getting myself infected and selling off my antibody-filled saliva,” said Whitman student Henry Schultz after The Wire spotted him licking the door of the post office on Sunday. Henry spent the weeken...
Things to think about while holding in your pee
Maude Lustig, Ol' Iron Bladder
May 5, 2020
So, you have to pee. That must be why you opened this article. Well, I know you're not going to get up and go to the bathroom – you've got to be on your phone! Here are some little nuggets to mull over whilst clenching that urethe (short for urethra). Take a peek at Instagram. Mosey on over to Twitt...
Helpful Hilda, the advice column (the return)
Helpful Hilda
April 28, 2020
Hilda, Sorry if my tuypong is a little bad .. i am only typing with one hand because i just smashed my other in a car door and it is definitely looking funny and feels like something horrible. Ouch ouch but oh well. Reachingo out if you know a good replaicement for canned corn. I I wanted to bake brea...
My CRAZY parents!
Maude Lustig, Headstrong Foolish Child
April 25, 2020
Oh, how the mighty (me) have fallen. I’m back home in my shitty little baby bedroom surrounded by my Anglophile paraphernalia (One Direction posters and a random print that says, "London"). But worst of all I’m stuck with my lame parents, AKA My Little Monsters AKA Momster and Dadster. If I thoug...
Renowned Dwight Schrute GIF now considered in poor taste
Elise Sanders, Needs Someone to Kill Spider in Room
April 22, 2020
You remember that GIF of Dwight Schrute from "The Office" saying: “There’s too many people in this world. We need a new plague”? Yeah, that one. And remember how many people in 2014 would repost it, followed by some shitty screenshot of a tumblr post about being late to your own wedding because...
Running out of quarantine activities? Try rethinking every decision you’ve made!
Annelise Ellingboe, Staff Crier
April 18, 2020
After many days of binge-watching shows, baking bread, attending Zoom happy hours, fighting with your mom and staring at the sky wondering if there is a god, you are probably feeling like you need some new activities to participate in. Well, you’re in luck! The Wire is here to give you our official recom...
32 ways to be productive during a Zoom “class” with your camera and mic off
Annelise Ellingboe, Creature
April 14, 2020
Watch seasons one through six of "Sex and the City." Watch the first "Sex and the City" movie. But don’t watch the second "Sex and the City" movie!! Manically disinfect all of your door handles. Disinfect your phone. Wait — stop — don’t touch your face! Call your mom. ...
Tensions rise at home when parents start re-watching “Call the Midwife” on PBS
Maddie Ott, Finger Lickin' Good
April 11, 2020
“First you want me to join the family read-aloud circle, and now you want me to watch 'Call the Midwife' with you and dad!? I’m outta here!!” screamed 21-year-old Melly Snooks to her confused parents on Sunday night. It had taken her parents nearly an hour to solidify their decision to rewatch CTM, ...
Six things to do again because you have no choice!
Ashlyn Quintus, Home-Dweller Extraordinaire
April 9, 2020
Hi y’all. I thought I would make a little listicle for you to use as a tool as we navigate these weird times at home! While social distancing, let’s look at six things to do again because you have simultaneously lost all control while adhering to the CDC’s strict control; you have no choice! ...
April Fools’ Day reported to have “hit different” this year
Ashlyn Quintus, Negative Debby
April 5, 2020
This year you could have literally said or done anything that would later be revealed as an “April Fools” and I would not care. There is nothing that would have fazed me. Since Whitman’s announcement of cancelling in-person classes, graduation and most importantly, The Renaissance Fair, I find...
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