High demand pushes counseling center to hold sessions in Reid
Ann Karneus, H0rny
November 21, 2019
As daylight savings time rolls around and seasonal depression settles over campus, the Welty Counseling Center enters its busiest time of year. In order to handle the excess of students clamoring to vent for an hour about their raging feelings of emptiness and unfulfilling hook ups, the Counseling Center...
Reel Rock 14 goes from giant Whitman orgy to more intentional sex club
Maddie Ott, Munchkin With An Appetite
November 21, 2019
Last year, Reel Rock was steamy. The greater outdoor community and their brave companions indulge in some of the most sexually explicit activity Maxey Auditorium has seen, besides Rocky Horror. Reel Rock — a series of documentaries dedicated exclusively to rock climbing and rock climbing related activ...
Local turkey busy prepping for death
Annelise Ellingboe, Vegetarian
November 21, 2019
After meeting with his lawyers this week to finalize his will, local turkey Albert Gobbleneck met me at a local diner to discuss pre-Thanksgiving stressors. “Ugh, this semester is killing me,” he said, while rummaging through his backpack for his vape pen. “Sorry. I’m just so stressed out. I have ...
Tattoo sleeves do little to keep area man warm
Elise Sanders, Are You Satisfied?
November 14, 2019
Autumn’s arrival in Walla Walla brings with it torturous cold air and freezing nights. Local man Aubrey Snow, wishing to combat the cold and save money on a winter coat, developed a seemingly foolproof plan by having jacket sleeves tattooed on his arms. “You know, I figured it would be a long te...
Top 10 foods that are much better cooked
Maude Lustig, Lover AND Fighter
November 11, 2019
Since the discovery of fire many years ago, people and things that look like people have been throwing shit on the flames and seeing what they get back. We here at The Wire have gone through thousands of foods to bring you the definitive list of the foods that you absolutely NEED to cook. Read on! ...
Child who received weed Halloween candy realizes he’s more of an indica kid
Ashlyn Quintus, Stinky Doctor Woman
November 7, 2019
On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange for a “trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” while dressed up as K...
Man who trades in iPhone for flip phone likens himself to contemporary Thoreau
Ann Karneus, Aroused
November 7, 2019
Although technology in the digital age provides us with instantaneous connections and a wealth of information, the sheer volume of these resources can lead to a life full of distractions. Sophomore Josh Frederickson is combatting this dilemma by deciding to give up his silver iPhone X for a sleek Mo...
A scary story to tell in the dark: Dignity lost in Sig basement
Maddie Ott, Hot 'n Bothered
November 7, 2019
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not quite stormy, but in the low thirties with a brisk and terribly biting wind. Nothing seemed amiss. ‘Twas a Friday night after a long and arduous week of participating occasionally in class. You deserve this weekend, plus you and your friends are good peopl...
My professor saw me cry and now she’s my mom
Annelise Ellingboe, Unprofessional Young Professional
November 7, 2019
Amidst midterms and thesis proposals, I was feeling especially stressed and unprepared for the week. I went into my professor’s office hours in hopes of asking for just one measly extension but came out with so much more. As we started talking, I could feel something rising inside of me, and I ...
Area man who bought king sized candy bars for trick-or-treaters clearly compensating for something
Ann Karneus, Youtuber
November 1, 2019
Last Friday, area man John Studebaker was spotted exiting Safeway with an estimated $400 worth of Halloween candy. Kent Jameson, the cashier who handled the bizarre transaction, weighed in. “Get this — he bought like 300 fucking full-sized Snickers bars. He kept picking them up off the ch...
Skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with
Maude Lustig, Three Stomachs
October 31, 2019
Awww, how sad :( This skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with (get it?). One month ago the skeleton made a very public prom-posal to Jennifer Beef, the most popular girl in the senior class. They filled her locker with dirt and loose rocks before school. When Jennifer opened the locker, the rocks an...
Reid Market dresses up as Whole Foods
Madeline Kemp, Meme Archivist
October 31, 2019
One of the spookiest costumes being flaunted this season is that of Reid Market, with a stunning rendering of an authentic Whole Foods Market. We started noticing the resemblance back in August, so this Halloween the market is fully embracing its look by incorporating more decorative gourds and stra...
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