Foot fetishists urge public to make carbon footprint as large as possible
Ann Karneus, Toe Sucker
March 12, 2020
Last week, Foot Fetishists United (FFU) issued a controversial press release stating that they are in support of climate change. “While overwhelming scientific evidence shows that the planet is warming, we actually see this as a positive footstep in the right direction. We urge the public to r...
Surprising! School finds letting sick students stay home makes them healthier
Annelise Ellingboe, Hamburger Liason
March 12, 2020
Whitman faculty and staff were shocked this week as students returned to classes healthier after allowing them to stay home sick. Following the announcement that sick students should be excused from class without verification from the health center, many professors noticed an initial drop in att...
To increase accessibility, OP will host initiation in wilderness of Ankeny Field
Fielding Schaefer, Arc’teryx Rep Dude
March 12, 2020
Whitman has long discouraged the hazing practices of fraternities and sororities. But only recently, as the school and student body confronts the walls that restrict attaining the Whitman ideal of “outdoorsiness,” has Whitman questioned the Whitman Outdoor Program (OP)’s excruciating annual in...
Tree to student ratio shattered after fallen tree revealed to be plastic replica
Ann Karneus, Prospective Student
February 27, 2020
A bombshell realization rippled across campus last weekend after students discovered a disturbing truth: nearly all Whitman trees are fake. After the pine tree outside the library fell this past Sunday, a student — who already had a hunch — investigated the scene and quickly deduced that the tr...
Immortal born on Leap Year celebrates 100th birthday
Elise Sanders, Going to the Store You Need Anything?
February 27, 2020
Local immortal Aurelia Brodeur will be celebrating her 100th birthday on Feb. 29, 2020. Brodeur, born almost 400 years ago, achieved immortality by means of a spooky potion brewed by an even spookier witch for the price of two goats. After spending a few centuries traveling the globe and making friends wi...
Tips and tricks to get the best bang for your buck at Cleveland Commons
Fielding Schaefer, Dry-Erase Board Supremacist
February 27, 2020
Your flex dollars are precious. Despite all your good karma from returning your eco takeout and tweeting about social justice, you’re often served less dinner than you’d like. Here’s a foolproof guide on how to #hack Cleveland Commons. Everyone knows that Bon App serves more food to bigger students....
Total rando shows up to club meeting
Maude Lustig, Giardia Carrier
February 27, 2020
No one could have anticipated it. Grayson Pools sent out the normal emails, telling his club's listserv, “meeting in 15 minutes” and “BUMP.” Yet no one ever bumped back. Pools, who is president of the Air Quality club, made his way to the science atrium, the club's normal meeting spot. His head w...
Senior Slide becoming dangerously slippery
February 20, 2020
The Senior Slide, an on-campus means of transportation reserved only for seniors, has become dangerously slippery and will be closed this week. The Slide is meant to make spring semester easier for stressed-out seniors, cutting down transportation time so they have a few more minutes in the day to...
Heated liberal snowflakes reveal Buttigieg’s rat family via Twitter
February 20, 2020
Soon after the debauchery of the Iowa Caucus, the most extreme of Bernie supporters realized that they could leverage their power against the threat of Buttigieg’s "Boomer" sponsor system. Fearless, technologically adept socialist-democrats took to the internet, collectively spurring a revolution that woul...
Simple steps to becoming an Instapoet
Elise Sanders, Kazoo Prodigy
February 20, 2020
Have you ever read a poem on Instagram by a contemporary poet you’d never heard of? And yet, when you go to their profile, you find out they have a few hundred thousand — maybe even millions — of followers and a book deal or two. Have you ever thought, “Damn, I wish I could be that successful...
Post for mom’s birthday also chance to prove parents used to be hot
Maude Lustig, Female Comedian
February 20, 2020
To commemorate her mother’s birthday, local daughter Samantha Loughlin dug through the family archives for the perfect throwback picture to showcase both the wonderful person her mother is, and her mom’s pre-baby bod. “I think this photo will be a fun throwback for my mom. I want to remind ...
my.Whitman ups its stalking potential by listing crush’s current location
Fielding Schaefer, Writer Of Real News
February 13, 2020
The my.Whitman portal has long been critically acclaimed across campus for its “Whitman search” function. If you’re a student attempting to recall a vaguely recognizable name that your friend is referring to, just look them up! Maybe even zoom in on their sweaty face from their first day of fr...
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