Yee: It’s spreading and it’s spreading fast
Annelise Ellingboe, Darth Vader Ginsberg
October 9, 2019
The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially called “YeeYeeism,” has ripped through Whitman campus, rendering affected young men unable to re...
Top five x-treme skincare tips for bros
Elise Sanders, Voted Most Likely To Cry In High School
October 9, 2019
Hey bros, are you ready for some life-changing advice? Of course you are — bros are always down for that. Listen here, I was listening to this scientific podcast the other day and they argued that 3-in-1 body wash does not make a good face wash. Yeah, I was shocked too. But I really trust this podcast...
Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more
Maddie Ott, Eats Raw Tea Bags
October 9, 2019
Perhaps once upon a time, skintight cycling shorts and a Whitman-sponsored cycling jersey got Whitman students all flustered and up in a chatter; however, things are changing around campus, and the leadership on the cycling team can sense this. As senior captain Wiggy Leener put it, “We need atten...
Thank god: These seven ideas will save your four day
October 9, 2019
With Four Day looming, we know you’re scrambling to figure out a plan. But never fear — these travel tips will elevate your break from a solid four to a soft six. Go to Portland. Carpool with a random Whitman student and make uncomfortable conversation for four hours. F**k a voodoo donut! B...
Pensive Victorian poet poetically coughs blood into handkerchief
Elise Sanders, Saw A Salamander Once
October 3, 2019
Last Sunday, local pensive 19th century poet Loventry Poesworth-Byrontë found cause to celebrate when he was rushed to the clinic after he began coughing blood into his delicately embroidered, monogrammed lace handkerchief. “I found him in an absolute fit!” recalled housekeeper Mrs. Carfax. “I was in...
School district meets standard quota of one creepy teacher
Ann Karneus, Recovering Candy Crush Addict
October 3, 2019
Late last week, Barry Crendshaw was selected by the Fairfield, Iowa, school board to fill the highly anticipated creep-in-residence position. As a cultural and institutional staple of the American education system, the presence of one creepy teacher per school district has been celebrated for gene...
Alum looking forward to wild night in Health Center
September 30, 2019
Last weekend was alumni weekend, and Dave Teppner, class of ‘83, knew exactly how he wanted to relive his favorite party nights at Whitman. There would be the obligatory spots, of course, to show the kids how it's done. But what really mattered was making it to the only place that truly signifies a lege...
Roommate’s boyfriend is over again
Maude Lustig, Saucy Minx
September 30, 2019
Gracie Hardway cheerfully boop be-bopped home Wednesday night to share some exciting news with her housemate Hannah: she had finally gotten her period. She threw open the door with an excited, “honey, I’m home!” only to see a male figure seated on the couch. “Oh... hey Damien,” Gracie greeted. Dami...
Whitman’s One and Only Advice Radio Show
Michelle Foster, A&E Editor
February 15, 2018
A blend of humor and well-meaning advice finds its home in the recently-started KWCW radio show “The Curl of the Burl.” Hosted by Koby Haigerty ’21 and Ethan Treadwell ’21, the show serves as Whitman’s very own advice radio show. “The Curl of the Burl” is no ordinary source of advice; it i...
Cops Call Crook’s Creators
Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout
March 9, 2017
Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children...
Attention: If You or a Loved One Have Been Probed By Aliens, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation
Winston Weigand, Ex-Cheetah Girl
March 9, 2017
Have you suddenly woken up in the middle of the night naked and sweating profusely? Are you plagued by disturbing mental images of tall, pale figures? Do you experience vague and recurrent pains? If so, it is likely that you have been abducted and probed by aliens. Recent studies show that thousands...
Clinton Family Christmas Wish List
Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some li...
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