Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

How to spot an impostor Wire writer

How to spot an impostor Wire writer

Conor Bartol, a real employee who definitely works here October 5, 2022

You may have seen someone on the social media platform and local hive of scum and villainy, Yik Yak, pretending to be a writer for The Wire looking for sources. And hoo-boy, what a pretentious “writer”...

Cold weather attributed to God, not climate change

Rachel Husband, teehee girl April 21, 2022

The strange weather of this past weekend has been attributed to the presence of God in the greater Walla Walla region. Snow, hail, sunshine and rain have been spotted on Whitman campus within a 24 hour...

Guide for titling your unnamed off-campus house

Lee Thomas, Can I crash at yours for a few days? April 7, 2022

Sophomores, on-campus juniors, first-years who got away with lying about their age, the time is nearing for you to move out of Papa Whitman's house and into your own abode. Some of you will be graced to...

Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Make Your Own Humor Article!

Conor Bartol, A(n) [adjective] [noun] April 7, 2022

Whitman College was shocked today by news of a(n) (adjective) ________ scandal involving a(n) (adjective) _________ (noun) _________. (your favorite professor)__________, (adjective)________ member...

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

Student orders 4lbs of bees to Reid post office

Grace Canny, dutiful roommate to Alissa Berman April 7, 2022

Early Wednesday morning, while all of campus slept, a detectable hum was in the air. Not a single bird dared chirp nor a duck dare quack. Whitman was nearly silent except for one building: Reid Campus...

House of former RAs build too much community

Grace Jackson, News Editor April 7, 2022

When 6 former Residents Assistants (RAs) moved into 6969 Valencia St—or the Hague—they were all excited to get away from the first-years. “We’d all been working so hard on programs that no one...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Garfield instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, “White Introverted Raunchy E-Girl” Writer November 18, 2021

Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...

The untold story of the class of 1909 bridge

Ben Kearney, See, I learned outside of homework October 21, 2021

If I was to tell you that there is an untold story about the class of 1909 bridge behind Maxey Hall, you would probably think I’m pulling your chain. But this story is about as real as what Cleveland...

So you’re going to have to poop in college and other first year dilemmas

Carmel Stephan, Shit or get off the pot please. September 16, 2021

This summer, as you sat your bare ass down on the porcelain throne, it may have occurred to you that this level of comfort would soon cease to exist. You wouldn’t be pooping in your private residence...

Ashlyn and Annelise say bye bye :'(

AE and AQ May 16, 2020

Accommodating Annelise, Everything is changing. Just found out that I have to graduate at the end of the month? What the heck? I guess I didn't realize it, because I've spent the last few months pushing...

Life hack: Webkinz is free and nothing is stopping you from signing up right now

Ann Karneus, ringlord May 15, 2020

Quarantine undisputedly sucks, but fortunately there is a silver lining. With all the free time it has afforded me – as well as the encouragement I’ve received to revert back to an unhealthy, childlike...

Local man to sell his antibodies online

Fielding Schaefer, Professional Quarantinist May 6, 2020

“We’re all out of work here. I see no better way to pass the time while raking in some cash than getting myself infected and selling off my antibody-filled saliva,” said Whitman student Henry Schultz...

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