Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Why Women Shouldn’t Be Funny

Meghan Kearney, “Humor” Writer November 16, 2023

Someone should fire me, and preferably a man.  I initially applied as a humor writer for The Wire with the aim of joining the feminist cause, challenging the long-running stereotype that women aren’t...

Whats getting left out: my fantastic ideas

What’s getting left out: my fantastic ideas

Grace Canny, Humor Writer May 4, 2023

I have had one or two hits in my storied career as a Wire Humor Writer, but what if I told you that everything you’ve seen is just a fraction of what could have been? Each issue, we Humor Writers...

Local humor writer getting real lazy with his articles

Ian Lewis, local humor writer December 8, 2022

The Wire can now confirm that at least one of its humor writers is getting really lazy with his articles. Whether by beginning several articles with “The Wire can confirm” or by simply restating the...

How to spot an impostor Wire writer

How to spot an impostor Wire writer

Conor Bartol, a real employee who definitely works here October 5, 2022

You may have seen someone on the social media platform and local hive of scum and villainy, Yik Yak, pretending to be a writer for The Wire looking for sources. And hoo-boy, what a pretentious “writer”...

Cold weather attributed to God, not climate change

Rachel Husband, teehee girl April 21, 2022

The strange weather of this past weekend has been attributed to the presence of God in the greater Walla Walla region. Snow, hail, sunshine and rain have been spotted on Whitman campus within a 24 hour...

Guide for titling your unnamed off-campus house

Lee Thomas, Can I crash at yours for a few days? April 7, 2022

Sophomores, on-campus juniors, first-years who got away with lying about their age, the time is nearing for you to move out of Papa Whitman's house and into your own abode. Some of you will be graced to...

Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Make Your Own Humor Article!

Conor Bartol, A(n) [adjective] [noun] April 7, 2022

Whitman College was shocked today by news of a(n) (adjective) ________ scandal involving a(n) (adjective) _________ (noun) _________. (your favorite professor)__________, (adjective)________ member...

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

Student orders 4lbs of bees to Reid post office

Grace Canny, dutiful roommate to Alissa Berman April 7, 2022

Early Wednesday morning, while all of campus slept, a detectable hum was in the air. Not a single bird dared chirp nor a duck dare quack. Whitman was nearly silent except for one building: Reid Campus...

House of former RAs build too much community

Grace Jackson, News Editor April 7, 2022

When 6 former Residents Assistants (RAs) moved into 6969 Valencia St—or the Hague—they were all excited to get away from the first-years. “We’d all been working so hard on programs that no one...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Garfield instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, “White Introverted Raunchy E-Girl” Writer November 18, 2021

Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...

The untold story of the class of 1909 bridge

Ben Kearney, See, I learned outside of homework October 21, 2021

If I was to tell you that there is an untold story about the class of 1909 bridge behind Maxey Hall, you would probably think I’m pulling your chain. But this story is about as real as what Cleveland...

So you’re going to have to poop in college and other first year dilemmas

Carmel Stephan, Shit or get off the pot please. September 16, 2021

This summer, as you sat your bare ass down on the porcelain throne, it may have occurred to you that this level of comfort would soon cease to exist. You wouldn’t be pooping in your private residence...

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