Whitman Wire

So you’re going to have to poop in college and other first year dilemmas

Carmel Stephan, Shit or get off the pot please. September 16, 2021

This summer, as you sat your bare ass down on the porcelain throne, it may have occurred to you that this level of comfort would soon cease to exist. You wouldn’t be pooping in your private residence...

Ashlyn and Annelise say bye bye :'(

Annelise Ellingboe and Ashlyn Quintus May 16, 2020

Accommodating Annelise, Everything is changing. Just found out that I have to graduate at the end of the month? What the heck? I guess I didn't realize it, because I've spent the last few months pushing...

Life hack: Webkinz is free and nothing is stopping you from signing up right now

Ann Karneus, ringlord May 15, 2020

Quarantine undisputedly sucks, but fortunately there is a silver lining. With all the free time it has afforded me – as well as the encouragement I’ve received to revert back to an unhealthy, childlike...

Local man to sell his antibodies online

Fielding Schaefer, Professional Quarantinist May 6, 2020

“We’re all out of work here. I see no better way to pass the time while raking in some cash than getting myself infected and selling off my antibody-filled saliva,” said Whitman student Henry Schultz...

Things to think about while holding in your pee

Maude Lustig, Ol' Iron Bladder May 5, 2020

So, you have to pee. That must be why you opened this article. Well, I know you're not going to get up and go to the bathroom – you've got to be on your phone! Here are some little nuggets to mull over...

Helpful Hilda, the advice column (the return)

Helpful Hilda April 28, 2020

Hilda, Sorry if my tuypong is a little bad .. i am only typing with one hand because i just smashed my other in a car door and it is definitely looking funny and feels like something horrible. Ouch ouch...

My CRAZY parents!

Maude Lustig, Headstrong Foolish Child April 25, 2020

Oh, how the mighty (me) have fallen. I’m back home in my shitty little baby bedroom surrounded by my Anglophile paraphernalia (One Direction posters and a random print that says, "London"). But worst...

Renowned Dwight Schrute GIF now considered in poor taste

Elise Sanders, Needs Someone to Kill Spider in Room April 22, 2020

You remember that GIF of Dwight Schrute from "The Office" saying: “There’s too many people in this world. We need a new plague”? Yeah, that one. And remember how many people in 2014 would repost...

Running out of quarantine activities? Try rethinking every decision you’ve made!

Running out of quarantine activities? Try rethinking every decision you’ve made!

Annelise Ellingboe, Staff Crier April 18, 2020

After many days of binge-watching shows, baking bread, attending Zoom happy hours, fighting with your mom and staring at the sky wondering if there is a god, you are probably feeling like you need some...

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

32 ways to be productive during a Zoom “class” with your camera and mic off

Annelise Ellingboe, Creature April 14, 2020

Watch seasons one through six of "Sex and the City." Watch the first "Sex and the City" movie. But don’t watch the second "Sex and the City" movie!! Manically disinfect all of your door...

Illustration by Elie Flanagan

Tensions rise at home when parents start re-watching “Call the Midwife” on PBS

Maddie Ott, Finger Lickin' Good April 11, 2020

“First you want me to join the family read-aloud circle, and now you want me to watch 'Call the Midwife' with you and dad!? I’m outta here!!” screamed 21-year-old Melly Snooks to her confused parents...

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Six things to do again because you have no choice!

Ashlyn Quintus, Home-Dweller Extraordinaire April 9, 2020

Hi y’all. I thought I would make a little listicle for you to use as a tool as we navigate these weird times at home! While social distancing, let’s look at six things to do again because you have...

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