Student orders 4lbs of bees to Reid post office

Grace Canny, dutiful roommate to Alissa Berman

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

Early Wednesday morning, while all of campus slept, a detectable hum was in the air. Not a single bird dared chirp nor a duck dare quack. Whitman was nearly silent except for one building: Reid Campus Center. The still was broken by the sound of four pounds of bees beginning to wake.

The package had been delivered late Tuesday and was pulled inside as Reid was closing. The bees had been carefully packaged by Roy’s B Boys of Pomeroy, Washington, and first-class shipped to Walla Walla. As every Washingtonian knows, Roy’s B Boys sells the finest bees in Eastern Washington. However, the container did not hold up through the night and the bees began to stir.

The student employee opening Reid that morning said: “I kinda heard some faint buzzing, so I went to investigate. The bees got me all at once. I swear those little SOBees can smell blood because, after me, they attacked Juli Dunn, who had just arrived. Then, it was like lambs to the slaughter. ”

Editor’s note: Juli Dunn is now in stable condition.

The Wire’s investigative staff has found first-year Connor Miller (an Oregonian), to have ordered the bees, blissfully unaware of Roy’s B Boys being the finest bee supplier in Eastern Washington. When he arrived at the mayhem unfolding, expecting to pick up his package he remembers thinking “Why are there bees inside? Did someone order f***ing bees??”

The Wire’s hours of interviews with the alleged bee orderer revealed that there was no intent to purchase bees. In one of the most gripping parts of the interview Mr. Miller tearfully explained the mix-up that must have happened: “I missed the T ok?! I forgot the T. I was looking for beets in Eastern Washington and I just didn’t add the T…”

When prompted for additional comment Miller only supplied A Statement of Further Regret: “I sincerely apologize for what my actions have caused. I understood the B in Roys B Boys to mean beet. My love for the juiciest, most versatile root vegetable has proven to be dangerous. Now I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”