I have had one or two hits in my storied career as a Wire Humor Writer, but what if I told you that everything you’ve seen is just a fraction of what could have been? Each issue, we Humor Writers toil over three or more chuckle-worthy article ideas. It sounds pretty hard, I know, which is why they pay us the big bucks. I put my reputation as a kind of funny person on the line by proposing three daring ideas, all for some guy named Ed Board to tell me they like just one of them. It’s a crushing blow, which again, is why they pay us the big bucks. Here is every idea that Mr. Ed Board has said no to:

1. Breaking: Cleve tofu good for one entire week. This was not chosen, I think, because it’s kind of lame. But all of the other ones I submitted that week were also lame. In retrospect, commenting on Cleve food is some of the lowest Whitman humor out there because our food is pretty great in comparison to other colleges, and also after you move off campus the sheer convenience of Cleve is luxurious. All this to say, I’m not mad at you, Ed Board, I get it. 
2. Whitman chickens birdnapped: what we know so far. I submitted a lot of headlines that week, and most of them were bad. This one, in my opinion, was not. I was inspired because I saw someone on Yik Yak posting about Henrietta (a hen) seeing the vet for a foot injury. So I thought: what better way to pull at the heartstrings of chicken lovers everywhere than to craft a tale of their mischievous disappearance? I submitted this headline A LOT and it never got picked, so emotional chicken lovers everywhere are safe from this heartbreaking story … for now.  
3. My ranking of desks on campus. This would not have been a hilarious article. I just wanted to abuse my power as a Wire Humor Writer to get paid to write about those horrible Maxey half desks. Ed Board said no, that’s ok. I brought this idea to life in my diary instead. 
4. WEB spends 1.2 million on air plants. I submitted this one a lot, and I have no idea why. I definitely had no good ideas for it, and also it’s not relevant anymore because WEB did a lot of air plant stuff my sophomore year but not at all this year. Note to self: air plants are not a ripe source of comedy, ever.  

Well, there you have it: four fantastic jokes that were left out. In reality, I am very grateful for Mr. Ed Board because they help me produce silly little articles, approved me for this good-for-nothing Circuit idea and also because I am required by contract to worship bourgeois Wire editors.