Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire
Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Samantha Fitts, Humor Editor

Samantha (she/her) is a fourth-year History major. This is her second year at The Wire, and she has firmly established herself as the Humor section's (fourth) funniest and (second) sexiest member.

All content by Samantha Fitts

Majors as niche mythological gods

Samantha Fitts, Humor Editor
May 4, 2023
Illustration by Amelia Ebling.

The definitive “The Super Mario Bros. Movie” review

Samantha Fitts, down bad for animated women
April 13, 2023

A review of RenFaire’s Murder Mystery

Samantha Fitts, Better than you
March 9, 2023

BREAKING: New Super Mario Bros. Movie trailer has dropped

Samantha Fitts, hot and ready in under 15 minutes
December 8, 2022
Photo by Oliver Baltzer.

“Rocky Horror” fucked (A recap)

Samantha Fitts, very drunk (hungover)
November 3, 2022

“The Super Mario Bros. Movie” teaser proves that Chris Pratt is.

Samantha Fitts, Honorary Italian (New Yorker)
October 20, 2022

What It’s Like to Transition at Whitman

Sammy Fitts, Humor Writer
May 12, 2022

Covid restrictions return, nobody could have seen this coming

Sammy Fitts, prophet, apparently
April 28, 2022

OP-ED: Whitman doesn’t need a queer affinity group that includes white people

Sammy Fitts, Junior
April 21, 2022
Illustration by Madi Welch.

How to get over your spring allergies

Sammy Fitts, One of the Gays
April 21, 2022

Solving the mystery of my own murder

Sammy Fitts, Better Sherlock Than Bennadrill Cumberbun
April 14, 2022

Elden Ring has ruined my life, and other excuses

Sammy Fitts, Millicent Simp
April 1, 2022
Illustration by Anna Stone.

Blood in the water: Sharks swim up creek into Lakum Duckum

Sammy Fitts, Doing Normal Humans Things
March 10, 2022
Illustration by Kimberly Auran.

Samantha reviews: Pokémon Legends: Arceus

Sammy Fitts, Totally Not a Changeling Taking Her Place
March 3, 2022
Illustration by Anna Stone.

Letter to the Editor: The mystery of my own murder

Sammy Fitts, Experiencing Eternal Damnation
February 24, 2022

Opinion: People should pay more attention to me

Sammy Fitts, Make Sure Not to Forget It
February 10, 2022

Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Sammy Fitts, Assigned to Butter Your Muffin.
December 9, 2021
Illustration by Lily Buller.

Apollo Del Belvedere renamed Apollo Del BelleDelphine as internet celebrity buys famous statue

Sammy Fitts, Selling bathwater at www.pleaseimdesperate.com
December 2, 2021
Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Garfield instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, “White Introverted Raunchy E-Girl” Writer
November 18, 2021
Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Tips and tricks for being the only straight cousin at Thanksgiving dinner

Sammy Fitts, Christmas starts on November 1st
November 11, 2021
Illustration by Shasta Soles.

Using my status as a Wire humor writer for Tinder clout: a true experiment

Sammy Fitts, Feminist But In The Way Men Think It Means
November 4, 2021

Student writes kinky fanfic for creative writing class (and I swear it wasn’t me)

Sammy Fitts, Alice x Bella Shipper
October 21, 2021
Illustration by Madi Welch.

Actors who should play Mario instead of Chris Pratt

Sammy Fitts, Single (X) Taken (X) Gamer(?)
October 7, 2021

5 ways to find players for your tabletop campaign if talking to people scares you

Sammy Fitts, Pining for the female-presenting Maxey Demon
September 30, 2021

Game of pickup basketball ends poorly when the only sports equipment on campus is frisbees

Sammy Fitts, Monster Girl Enthusiast
September 16, 2021
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