Elden Ring has ruined my life, and other excuses

Sammy Fitts, Millicent Simp

Your life is falling apart. This is a fact, not a guess. You’ve been failing all your classes, never have time for self-care and can’t fix your lack of bitches. Now you need excuses to explain your lack of executive function (it went out for some milk when you hit puberty and never came back). So the next time you fail an assignment, have an argument with a loved one or flake on a social event, use one of these helpful tips.

  1. Blame the new hit game Elden Ring. It’s easy to get addicted to this Lord of the Rings rip off. Of course, you can choose to not play it, but that’s too much effort, so it’s the game’s fault now.
  2. Another great excuse is Elden Ring. This game has women that actually talk to you (if you’re playing a female character they pass the Bechdel test sometimes). One of the women even lets you hug her, which is way more action than you’re getting. So it taking over your life is understandable.
  3. The third option is to admit you’ve been playing Elden Ring. With an intense, in-depth magic and leveling system, nearly every type of character is possible and viable (except for exactly the one you want to play). It’s the perfect power fantasy to distract you from your sad magic-less existence.
  4. The next tip is to blame the impending end of the world. Between climate change, privatized healthcare, a lack of gun control, growing tensions between global superpowers and capitalism, giving up just seems like the logical option. No one will be around to read your bad grades anyway.
  5. Finally, and this was surprising, it’s Elden Ring’s fault. The game is addicting and the biggest From Software game to date. It’s my whole life, I nearly have 100 hou-

Editorial Note:

The submitted article cut off here. I’m not sure if we can ever pull her out of this game.
xo Humor Editor