How to get over your spring allergies

Sammy Fitts, One of the Gays

Illustration by Madi Welch.

The earth tilted a degree and your entire immune system stopped working, so guess it must be spring. So you grabbed your five boxes of tissues to keep at your desk, filled your pockets with Allegra and Flonase and spent five minutes apologizing for the sniffling and sobbing noises at the start of every class.

Don’t you wish you could get away from it? Avoid having your entire life ruined for a forth of the year just because of plant cummies? Well this is the guide for you, you sad sad human.

  1. Atone for your sins. God obviously hates you, so you better try getting their favor back first or else your afterlife will be an eternal spring and you’ll never have a tissue in your pocket. To stay pure for Jesus, avoid washing machines and having step brothers.
  2. Exposure therapy. It works for fears, I think, so why not for this? Stuff as much pollen down your nose and throat until it works. If your allergies are really bad, try sucking off a branch or edging a flower bud for maximum loads.
  3. Fake it til’ you make it. Everyone knows that if you stop acting like something is real it disappears. This worked for my ex, God, and COVID-19 (Why else would the campus drop all COVID-19 safety measures at once?).
  4. Stop going outside. That’s where the pollen is. Just don’t. It’s not like we want to hear your snotty little sniffles anyway. You can come back out in a couple months, please.

One you complete all these steps, you’ll be just like me: without allergies. This is what makes me such a good teacher too, a healthy distance from the experience at hand.

In all seriousness, Spring allergies are terrible. It’s important to remember that these allergies are not only normal, but common. No one is actually judging every annoying sniffle, disgusting nose blow and disruptive leaving of class to get paper towels from the bathroom. Absolutely no one is judging you for it.