Tips and tricks for being the only straight cousin at Thanksgiving dinner

Sammy Fitts, Christmas starts on November 1st

Ahh, Thanksgiving. Once you get past the acknowledgement of genocide and dehumanizing lies of friendship and betrayal; it’s a holiday about family and appreciation. I mean that’s what you’re giving thanks for after all: the gifts that you’re going to get for Christmas.

This may be the only time your entire extended family gathers, and I mean entire. Every aunt, uncle, cousin, second cousin, first cousin once removed, second cousin twice removed, first cousin twice removed, and grandparent congregate under one roof to show appreciation for each other. Well, that’s until the ‘no politics at the dinner table’ rule was abandoned.

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Now Thanksgiving is a brutal Hunger Games not only for the most stuffed slice of turkey, but also for your own lives. This is because politics divide by generation. Young vs. old, Progressive vs. conservative, and Queer vs. cishet. Yes I did capitalize the ones I like more to show bias.

But you have found yourself in a terrible position. You’re straight, and everyone of your cousins is queer. Do you choose the side of your progressive, cool peers or your racist homophobic uncle? It’s clearly a difficult choice, so let me help you with these possible courses of action. 

1. Pretend to be gay. 

If no one knows, they’ll accept you onto the team. I mean you’re one of the cousins, who’s gonna question it? 

2. Do a cosplay of March 2021 Prince Phillip. 

If you put on a white whig, a bushy beard made of straw, and poke people with a cane while calling them whippersnappers: that’s not your cousin. Put on your best Aang putting on his best Mushu impression and join the ranks of the, may I repeat, racist and homophobic uncle. Genius.

3. Simply don’t. Just don’t participate. Don’t.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to dissipate into pixels with a cool, jrpg jingle. Doing so will not only remove you from the debate, but save you from all the other things that suck, which is everything!

4. Look deep inside yourself.

You’re probably, actually gay. I mean you’re what—college age? At least bisexual then. Imagine not being queer in someway: it’s 2021, that’s homophobic.