Pokémon Legends: Arceus is the hot no-longer-new game and I, expert gamer Samantha, am reviewing it. I haven’t played this game, but between my obsessed housemate and the amount of Gardevoir porn I’ve seen on Twitter, I feel I’m qualified to talk about it.

Arceus, like all Pokémon games, is about taking wild animals with the power to cause natural disasters and putting them in small, portable cages so they can battle each other. With the power of the Nintendo Gameboy, DS, and now, Switch, Pokémon has given us dogfighting on the go since 1996!

Luckily for the “pocket monsters,” Arceus lets wild Pokémon murder the player directly. This way, they can get revenge for the torture we have collectively put them through AND we can teach kids about the inevitability of death!

The plot of Arceus is as follows: the main character, who is like 10, is visited by Pokémon God (this is not a joke), who gives them a god iPhone, and sends them back in time to establish the tradition of catching Pokémon and making them battle (no reason provided). The main character then falls from the sky and is manipulated by a bunch of adults into doing dangerous tasks for them (just like real life).

Arceus stands out compared to the other Pokémon games because it is so explicit in its colonialism. Sure, everyone loves a game about exploring the wilderness, slaughtering the fauna, destroying the local ecosystem and depriving native peoples of their cultural resources–but when Pokémon fucking God manifest destinies you back in time to start conquering, it can come off as a little insensitive.

Another change in Arceus is the introduction of alpha Pokémon. Based off of the debunked theory of wolf packs that birthed Omegaverse, alpha Pokémon are like 10-feet tall and stronger, probably. This allows for the best part of the game: the Pokémommies. When an alpha Gardevoir or Lopunny walks my way I can’t help but “awooga!” I mean Pokémon are literally animals, but it’s okay because they’re bipedal and Twitter said beastiality should be legal.

All in all, Pokémon Legends: Arceus is a solid open-world, cock-fighting, souls-like, dating-sim. Pick it up now for your Nintendo Switch at your local Price-Gouging Scheme for 10 times the original selling price.

Final Score: 6/9