Auntie Lee,
I love wearing long skirts. I wear ’em constantly. But using campus bathrooms (and public bathrooms anywhere) while wearing a skirt that reaches my ankles has greatly reduced my quality of life. I can’t trust anybody outside my own house with cleanliness, so I can’t let it fall to the ground. My tactic so far has been scrunching it up under my armpits, but that complicates most methods of wiping. Any advice?
XOXO,
Chic Shitter

Dear Classy Dumper,

Oh, have I got advice! From one long skirt lover to another, here are some ideas:

Have it float up like Marilyn Monroe as you sit on the porcelain throne. If you can’t make this happen naturally using telekinesis, bring a fan into the bathroom with you. A small, portable, battery-operated fan is more conducive than a big, standard, plug-in one, which might require you carry around extra extension cords, and for whatever reason bathrooms don’t have an abundance of wall outlets (like c’mon where am I supposed to plug in my … never mind).

Have yourself float up, hovering ominously over the toilet like a horror movie scene. Let the stream flow like an indoor waterfall. Auntie does not give you permission to peek over the stalls like a little nosy, naughty neighbor.

Make it a team effort and hand your skirt off to a fellow bathroom patron to hold for you while you do your duty. This is pretty self explanatory–ask the nearest person like you would ask a stranger to take photos of you. If there’s no one around, some bathrooms like the first floor Olin bathroom have hooks you can use, but this might be undesirable due to fear of germs.

Last but not least, diapers. No need to step inside a public toilet when you carry your toilet with you.

I hope these help. Choose whichever fits best with your lifestyle. Feel free to reach out to me so I can give you my emergency contact number for situations like these.

OXOX,
Auntie