Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Sammy Fitts, Assigned to Butter Your Muffin.

Whitman’s annual holiday party was wrought with many problems, but none was more devastating than the Christian outrage caused by events which occurred on Ankeny field. And no, I’m not talking about the first-year 80s Dance, even though that hate crime is also annual.

The event I am referring to is, as everyone will recall, when the college set up giant Holiday decorations. These symbols were of course: a Christmas tree reaching upwards of 100-feet, a 30-foot tall, solid-gold menorah provided by Helen Kim, and just a really big yin yang because the people in charge of the celebration couldn’t be bothered to ask anyone if that made any sense.

Things went wrong when the eighth candle on the menorah was lit. The ladder which was holding up the culprit shook and fell, knocking over the menorah, igniting the tree instantly. Christians around the world are calling this a hate crime committed by the Jewish elite and have advocated for having a new crusade, stating, “It’s time we take back the holy land and get rid of their holy texts, like Facebook!”

The crusaders have been organizing in an Outback Steakhouse somewhere in the valley. They are having trouble purchasing sets of antique crusader armor because white teenagers on Reddit have created scarcity in the market with their obsession. 

As a crusade has to be sanctioned by the pope, the Proud Occult Obliterating Private American Sanctity Soldiers (POOPASS) have put out hiring calls for a new pope. Of their many applicants, Chris Pratt is currently the top contender.

The proud members of POOPASS have posted on their official Gettr account that they are almost ready to crusade, it’s just that that the Bread Boys YouTube channel is refusing to sell their set of crusader armor and it’s really hurting POOPASS’ feelings. 

Whitman claims to be an accepting community, but I don’t know how safe I feel on campus as a Jewish student. POOPASS is radicalizing the first-year class, specifically in Jewett Hall. There’s no explanation for why there is such a high concentration of POOPASS in Jewett, but I would literally never go there anyway so it doesn’t really matter.