Apollo Del Belvedere renamed Apollo Del BelleDelphine as internet celebrity buys famous statue

Sammy Fitts, Selling bathwater at www.pleaseimdesperate.com

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Nov. 22 2021

Actress and Youtuber Belle Delphine purchased the Apollo Del Belvedere from the Vatican Palace, a statue portraying the Greco-Roman god Apollo famous for being used by white supremacists to measure people’s faces. Renaming it to the Apollo Del BelleDelphine, Delphine asserts the rebrand is pivotal, saying “it shouldn’t be about white supremacy, but girlboss supremacy.” 

The name change is the first of many modifications Delphine plans to make. She wishes to re-carve the face in her own image, announcing that the yassification of the statue is the paramount step in her master plan. Additionally, she has made the statue a TikTok account, where it never shows its face without the Faux Freckle filter.

To help its brand further, Delphine has promised to sell the statue’s bathwater. This time she promises BelleDelphine (the Apollo statue) will actually be in the bath while she collects the water.

Nov. 24 2021

In a shocking update to the story, the Apollo Del BelleDelphine was stolen under cover of night. The suspects are still at large, follow this page for live updates.

Dec. 1 2021

At 11:39p.m. Thanksgiving night, an X-rated tape surfaced online depicting Delphine gently hugging the statue and giving it a reassuring pat on the back. Unfortunately, it took like a week for people to notice because it was posted on xHamster and nobody wants to think about rodents while jacking off.

Delphine apologized for the video, claiming BelleDelphine “looked lonely and we all could use a hug in these trying times.”

Dec. 2 2021

The Apollo Del BelleDelphine has come forward saying it ran away of its own volition and posted the video as an act of revenge porn. While it really enjoyed the experience, it said it needed to run away for mental health issues. “I just couldn’t stand the sheer number of the threats it received by simply existing on the internet and being fabulous at the same time,” BelleDelphine (this is a talking statue) said when asked.

BelleDelphine (still talking about the statue) has started a GoFundMe account, claiming its bathwater proceeds were not enough to buy a ticket back to the Vatican Palace.