Whitman Wire

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Plant mom arrested for triple plantslaughter

Lee Thomas, go drink some water April 28, 2022

New details are emerging surrounding the case of the local woman who has been charged with killing her three children. The bodies of six-year-old succulent, three-year-olds snake plant and 9-month-old...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Major ASWC election voter fraud ring uncovered

Conor Bartol, Forming a Super PAC and needs contributions April 28, 2022

Scandal struck the Associated Students of Whitman College after the discovery of a vast voter fraud scheme in the recent election. The fraud appears not to favor any one candidate, but rather was meant...

Covid restrictions return, nobody could have seen this coming

Sammy Fitts, prophet, apparently April 28, 2022

We only got a couple of weeks of normalcy before Kathy Murray whipped out her mask mandate and slapped us across the face with it. That unprecedented time when everyone’s phones started ringing at once...

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

Letter to my long lost water bottle (been thinkin about you lately)

Carmel Stephan, Hopeless Hydrator April 28, 2022

Mid-spring, amongst the tiny buds and blossoms sprouting and unfolding on the foliage I have so dearly missed—your image comes to mind. Tall, hefty, a perfect Barney The Dinosaur purple, and equipped...

Whitman alters COVID protocol

Conor Bartol, Used car lot inflatable wavy noodle understudy December 2, 2021

Following students’ return to campus after break, Whitman has announced several changes in COVID protocol. Following “recent federal guidelines and recommendations,” these rules are going into effect...

Illustration by Lily Buller.

Apollo Del Belvedere renamed Apollo Del BelleDelphine as internet celebrity buys famous statue

Sammy Fitts, Selling bathwater at www.pleaseimdesperate.com December 2, 2021

Nov. 22 2021 Actress and Youtuber Belle Delphine purchased the Apollo Del Belvedere from the Vatican Palace, a statue portraying the Greco-Roman god Apollo famous for being used by white supremacists...

Reinstatement of the “Big Bang” Act

Ben Kearney, Is this even legal? December 2, 2021

Signed into effect by the Board Of Trustees at 6:09a.m., Nov. 25, 2021. Purpose & History On Sept. 12 2017, the Board of Trustees authorized the ban of all fireworks across Whitman College...

Pete Davidson provides conclusive evidence that funny people are most fuckable

Rachel Husband, Writing against the will of God December 2, 2021

Pete Davidson, comedian, SNL star and talking blond bag of tattooed weasels, has recently confirmed his relationship with socialite and businesswoman Kim Kardashian, reaffirming the widespread conception...

Illustration by Paloma Link.

A case against animals as gifts

Lee Thomas, the Evil Lee Thomas December 2, 2021

As we enter the gift giving season and start pondering what to hurriedly stuff in a box for our loved ones, something that purrs or barks may come to mind as a possible option. It's so convenient and hassle-free...

Photo by Tywen Kelly

Conversations Held About Douglas Hall Tree

Georgia Lyon April 14, 2016
Concerns over structural safety vs. personal value of the Japanese maple tree in Douglas Hall has led to conversations about the future of the tree.

Practice outpaces policy in sexual misconduct investigations

Lachlan Johnson April 16, 2015

It has been over two months since ASWC passed a resolution calling for changes to Whitman's Sexual Misconduct Policy. While many of the resolution's suggestions have been adopted in practice, several remain...

Office of Admission prepares for Admitted Students Day

Christy Carley April 16, 2015

Hundreds of admitted students, both prospective and already committed, will be welcomed to Whitman this Saturday for Admitted Students Day 2015. The day will include opportunities for students to sample...

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Issue 10