Reinstatement of the “Big Bang” Act

Ben Kearney, Is this even legal?

Signed into effect by the Board Of Trustees at 6:09a.m., Nov. 25, 2021.

  • Purpose & History

On Sept. 12 2017, the Board of Trustees authorized the ban of all fireworks across Whitman College in light of the Eagle Creek Fire. The ban was in effect until the stroke of midnight on Jan. 1, 2018 when Kathleen Murray desired to purge her massive supply of fireworks. 

After this date, the ban was effectively ended until a recent explosion of fireworks penetrated and created various holes in Jewett Hall on Nov. 17, 2021, just prior to Thanksgiving break. While many blame the fraternities on campus for this incident, a short white-haired old woman was spotted fleeing from the scene. 

In light of multiple traumatized first-years, the Firework Ban AKA the “Big Bang” Act is effectively re-enacted to protect the safety of students across campus. Most importantly, it ensures that President Murray, a known pyrotechnic, is unable to celebrate her last year as Whitman College President through the use of explosives. 

  • Implementations

I. Students of Whitman College are not allowed to own or possess mass-produced fireworks on campus for the duration of their four year sentence.

II. Any students caught in possession of fireworks must either turn over their entire stash to the Board of Trustees because they are the only responsible adults on campus. Alternatively, they can cut them open to dump the gunpowder needed for Cleveland’s “Bang Bang Chicken.”

III. Students caught multiple times in possession of fireworks  are required to attend President Murray’s weekly Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting from 10p.m. to midnight every Friday for six weeks.

IV. If President Murray herself is caught setting off fireworks, it doesn’t matter because she’s retiring at the end of the year. 

  • Closing Details

At the first meeting of the following academic year, the Board of Trustees under the jurisdiction of Whitman’s new president will decide if the ban continues in a continual attempt to be better, more evolved, and student-friendly than Reed College. If caught trying to change the ban, Murray will have her personal stash of fireworks in her office seized.