Major ASWC election voter fraud ring uncovered

Conor Bartol, Forming a Super PAC and needs contributions

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Scandal struck the Associated Students of Whitman College after the discovery of a vast voter fraud scheme in the recent election. The fraud appears not to favor any one candidate, but rather was meant to increase overall voter turnout.

ASWC promised a concert if at least 35 percent of the student body voted, and, allegedly, the fraud was committed to inflate the total numbers and ensure that outcome.

The fraud came to light after dozens of write-in votes for a “Sue Donym” and a “Hugh Mann” were unearthed. There were so many votes that Sue and Hugh won a few of the elected positions. However, it soon became apparent that neither person actually existed.

This culminated in the culprits of the criminal conspiracy being “perp-walked” out of Memorial Hall in “handcuffs,” but by “perp-walked” I mean politely asked to leave and by “handcuffs” I mean they were given a stern talking to.

“We stuck our necks out so this school could have something cool, and this is the thanks we get? Treated like villains? It’s disgraceful,” said an unnamed culprit.

Even with the fraud and the rising number of COVID-19 cases on campus, the concert was still held.

“The band is a surprise,” said one official, “but let’s just say people will be very excited to see the robots with their cool helmets.”

When asked if they were referring to Daft Punk, who have been split up for over a year, they responded, “Obviously not. I knew that. They’re other robots… the, um… cool ones who make music. Please excuse me.” Consequently, the concert, while enjoyed by all, was absent of any Daft Punks or Daft Punk substitutes.

Meanwhile, the students charged with fraud will face disciplinary action up to and including having to clean the enclosures where the college’s surplus squirrels are kept.

Despite the fraud, the results of the election are verified, reassuring everyone except the one student who actually voted for Sue and Hugh. Apparently he believed them to be real people with salient stances and ambitious goals, as well as pretty clever and original names. He is now crestfallen over their non-existence. So I’ve heard, anyway.