BREAKING: New Super Mario Bros. Movie trailer has dropped

Samantha Fitts, hot and ready in under 15 minutes

Well, you know what time it is. Samantha has to make fun of Chris Pratt for another 350+ words because a new trailer for this forsaken movie has dropped. I wonder what she’ll say about Italians this time? Well, mostly that Chris Pratt’s very real quote, “Mario isn’t Italian anymore. He’s normal now,” really is the approach he’s taking towards voicing this character. 

We actually hear very little of Chris’s voice in this trailer, and that made the movie seem really good, actually. Not everything landed. For example, the Toad “we’re adorable” joke isn’t that funny and is completely non-canon — in the infamous Toad War of Super Mario Galaxy the Toads are seasoned war criminals.

Everyone’s (but not Chris’s) acting chops are on display: Seth Rogen made some grunts as Donkey Kong, Jack Black continued to make Bowser sexy, Keegan-Michael Key is still surprisingly good at Toad’s voice and Anya Taylor-Joy … I think I’m in love with this version of Peach. I mean, Daisy is 100% better, but that voice mixed with the fact she grabs a halberd with full intent of chopping Bowser into Koopa sashimi? I don’t need to say more.

Then there’s Charlie Day. He also sounds like himself, which I guess makes sense since the Mario brothers wouldn’t have wildly different accents. It isn’t bad. Maybe it’s the fact I love Charlie Day and hate Chris Pratt so I judge one far more harshly than the other, but Charlie’s voice fits Luigi. It has that perfect amount of goofy and bottom bitch-boy that Green Mario deserves. 

Despite lacking his squeaky yet sultry voice, Luigi still drives up the sex appeal of this movie tenfold. By that, I mean Bowser did. Illumination really brought back the ever-hyped Bowser/Luigi ship with a literal claw-to-chin, look-me-in-the-eyes maneuver. I forgot it was a kid’s movie trailer and half expected them to get to it on screen right then.

Anyway, I’m very excited to watch this movie in theaters because — oh wait, I forgot Chris Pratt is still in it. I sure hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” colosseum scene rip-off kills Mario off right away.