Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 4
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Upward Together – Educational Dysfunction

There has been a terrible mistake.

Whitman College’s latest fundraising campaign, “Upward Together,” was intended as a thrust towards raking in tons of sweet, sweet money for education, outreach, the erection of new buildings … and surely nothing else. However, through pure coincidence, the campaign has the unfortunate distinction of sharing a name with something quite unexpected.

Started in 1969 by humanitarian and urologist Yuri Thra, the “Upward Together” movement’s mission was to help certain people, uh, let’s say, sustain a full-mast. Their research spanned decades, with one result: the drug now known as Viagra. They say Dr. Thra’s [redacted] grew three sizes that day.

So to make a long story short (or average-sized, really more than long enough for most people), the College has mistakenly received over 400 kilograms of Viagra a day for the past three weeks. Rumor has it that some administrators are giving it out like candy just to offload the stuff, but it’s no use. The sheer quantity of Viagra is an enormous load, and a hard one to swallow at that.

Efforts to contact Thra’s organization have failed. Apparently the man went missing for four hours or more in the aughts and no one’s heard a sound from him since, not after searching ‘round the whole girth of the Earth. Willy ever be seen again?

Amidst this chaos some have speculated that the campaign’s name was an intentional ploy to gain access to the medication in bulk, a Trojan Horse of sorts. But to whose benefit? Without more evidence, such a premature line of inquiry seems only based on phallus-y.

While the wise guy responsible for this colossal snafu has been given the shaft, the question remains: what to do with all this junk? It may be the hardest problem the administration has ever had to solve, but the balls are in their court. The situation is nuts, but if they can’t do dick about it then it’s going to be like a swift kick in the crotch.

Only one thing is certain: one way or another this whole school is going upward together.

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