An interview with President Bolton: the complete unredacted version

Conor Bartol, It’s not a tin foil hat, it’s an aluminum chapeau

Did you enjoy The Wire’s interview with Whitman president Sarah Bolton a few weeks back? Well, buckle up and ready your brain pan for this juicy truth nugget—you’ve been fed lies, a true crock of you-know-what, because the administration doesn’t want you to know what was really said behind closed doors.

But no more: we have here for you the interview questions that never made it to print. The truth, once hidden from you, but now a secret no longer!

The Wire: What are you going to do about the ghost problem at Whitman?

Illustration by Eleanor Amer.

Sarah Bolton: As far as I’m concerned, we have a people problem, not a ghost problem. We need more classes to teach students to prevent hauntings and deal with spectres when they appear. This generation is woefully unequipped for phantasms and we need to fix that.

The Wire: What are your goals for the college in terms of finances?

Bolton: God, I’m sick of hearing of finances. Nobody’s ever satisfied. But never fear, you are in good hands. Recently I recruited a gaggle of first-years into what I told them was a “mandatory activity.” I’ve sent them off to find the Fountain of Youth, and when they return with that heady draught of life eternal, we can sell it and never fear financial ruin again.

The Wire: What do you anticipate will be the college’s greatest struggle in the years to come?

Bolton: Simply put? Subterranean ant-creatures. Few people know this, but the school is actually situated atop a vast network of ancient tunnels. Our research has uncovered evidence that they were created by man-sized arthropods who once lived on the surface, but have since retreated underground. If they still survive, they will no doubt return one day to lay waste to the surface world, and we must be ready.

The Wire: Do you think that Styx will ever eat anyone?

Bolton: That shit’s never gonna happen. Now get out of my house.


So there you have it folks: the Truth. Unvarnished, unscripted, unfathomable, un-comprehensible!