Tips and tricks for family weekend

Conor Bartol, The Big Cheese ‘Round These Parts

Family Weekend is here, and for many of you that means only one thing: your parents and guardians have come to check up on you, a source of great dismay.

But fret not! Here are some tips to keep things running smoothly this weekend:

Clean Your Room

Embarrassed by the wasteland of filth that your dorm has become? Don’t sweat it! To clean up quickly, simply shove everything under the bed (works every time). If that fails, find your most fastidious friend. Pretend their room is your own for the day and show it off to your proud parents. Cleanliness is close to godliness, so your pathetic efforts will certainly make you at least a demi-god in their eyes.

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Get Your Story Straight

Have you been getting up to antics with your new college buddies? Maybe something that could besmirch your spotless record in your parents eyes, or else confirm their worst fears about your hooliganism and debauchery? Don’t want those stories reaching their ears? Just stay calm, keep cool, and get on the same page with your friends to make sure no one spills the beans. Do it right, and your parents will be none the wiser. Remember: if anyone asks, nothing happened on the night of [redacted].

Change the Subject

“Wow! Look at that squirrel! Is it wearing tiny trousers?”

No matter the context, that’ll catch anyone off guard. That is, of course, the essence of distraction. When someone asks you “how are classes going?” and they expect you to zig, what do you do? You zag, so spontaneously and so fantastically that they have no choice but to follow you, forgetting their question entirely.

Make Them Feel at Home

Your parents are guests here, and you are their host, and any good host needs to make their guests comfortable. Delight them with everything Whitman has to offer, such as: getting a tasty burger, watching the ducks at the pond, and watching, helplessly, as the ducks steal your burger.

Hopefully with these tips you and your family can have a lovely, or at least tolerable, weekend.