Student left bedridden after eating Smash Burgers for five straight weeks

Conor Bartol, Old-timey Carnival Barker

A student has been confined to bed rest after eating the same meal every day since they arrived to campus. This student had been eating nothing but the Smash Burgers available at Cleveland Commons, a meal held in high regard among Whitman students.

The health center was called by their roommate, who found them in bed “mumbling something about burgers.” They arrived and were able to bring the student out of their burger-induced trance by making them a salad.

“We’re lucky we got there fast,” said one of the doctors. “Untreated Smash Burger overexposure is dangerous. If your body becomes oversaturated with it, you literally explode. It’s happened before, and it’s not pretty.”

The student was “happy to avoid exploding,” but this only slightly outweighed his desire for one more “sweet, succulent Smash Burger,” which he was denied.

Whitman has used the incident as an example to encourage healthy eating, but students have complained that prices on campus make it hard to follow that advice. Whitman especially cautions first years, who may be in awe of their new food choices away from home and by the allure of a delicious burger. Whitman warns that first years are “easily frightened by the sheer number of options available” and can easily succumb to the easy choice of eating the same burger over and over again.

That the student got hooked on burgers was no surprise to his peers. “Whatever they put in the burgers, it’s delicious, powerful stuff,” said another student. “Once I had too many and went to bed. I dreamt I was being chased by a huge burger that was trying to eat me. It’s heady stuff.”

The student’s recovery is going well, and they say that they have sworn off Smash Burgers for now.