Whitman statues change places overnight

Conor Bartol, [Your Ad Here]

Campus awoke surprised to find that the beloved Styx was no longer where he belonged, and in his place stood American Satyr and Mistress of the Wild Beasts from outside Maxey Hall. This unsettled students, especially given the statues’ spooky appearance.

But why did this happen? Well, in a Night at the Museum-esque twist, it turns out the statues of Whitman are alive, and they have things to do and new places to be.

The Students Playing 4D Tic Tac Toe were absent from their normal spot outside of Jewett Cafe, leaving a note saying they had “finally finished the game” and had gone off “to join Kathy Murray and Ted Cruz in Cancun.” Meanwhile, Styx was found in a psychology class, ready to learn.

The Whitman administration was quick to dismiss the statue-moving as the result of some especially skilled pranksters, but backed down after finding Discobolus, the colorful statue from outside Cordiner Hall, climbing the Memorial Hall clock tower. “Clearly this is beyond even the most enterprising students,” they said.

The only statue that did not move? Marcus Whitman. This did not surprise the other statues, who apparently find him “pretentious” and say “his ‘plans require time and distance,’ which is fine as long as it keeps him away from us.”

While most students have been happy to see the statues moving around, some have a reason for concern. Three Stories, the fish, lemon and bowl statue outside Penrose Library, has been a urination spot for frats over the years, and it holds a grudge. Some anonymous fraternity members received a note from the statue saying it “remembers” them and will “be seeing you shortly.”

But why the sudden change? “It comes down to this,” said Styx, “We’re tired of being in the same place all the time, and need a change in perspective.”