No summer plans? Here’s some good last-minute options

Conor Bartol, So long, farewell, you see later, alligator

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Are you struggling to figure out what the hell to do over summer? Haven’t gotten into the internships or jobs you applied for and are searching for something, anything, to fill your time? Terrified that you’ll have nothing to say when asked “What did you do over the summer?”

Never fear! I’ve developed a comprehensive list of awesome activities that will enrich your life and fill your schedule to the brim.

Write the next classic novel. Everyone’s getting into writing these days, so it’s the perfect time to make your mark by crafting the newest addition to the literary canon.

Imagine, one day your book could stand alongside such works as The Great Gatsby, Of Mice and Men and Twilight. Just don’t steal my idea, an inventive and original novel with the working title Wuthering Heights 2: 2 Heights, 2 Wuthering.

Join a heist crew. Need a job? There’s always a ragtag group of loveable scoundrels looking for “one last score” before they “get out of the game for good.”

They need rubes, I mean, enterprising young people, like yourself, to join them as safecrackers, getaway drivers and scapegoats Jack-of-all-trades types. Trust me, you’ll be a valued, irreplaceable member of the team.

Solve your hometown mystery. You know the one, the somewhat-spooky, probably not supernatural but nonetheless strange thing that happened long before you were born. The one that no one wants to talk about and the authorities have stopped investigating, but still hangs over the town like a shroud. Strap on your detective hat and go figure it out! Just cross your fingers that you end up with a resolution that’s more Scooby-Doo than Cthulhu.

These are but a few of my great ideas to make your summer memorable beyond comparison. And if none of them pan out, there is one last resort: just lie. For example, last summer I actually assisted a sting operation by waiting tables for a casino while gathering intel on their illegal dealings. Now doesn’t that sound badass, not to mention eminently believable? I bet I fooled even you for a second.