Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Lee Thomas, sexy even without a mustache

Illustration by Shasta Soles.

This week, the College released a statement banning all future White Elephant and Secret Santa events organized for students in response to an actual elephant running rampant across campus. Residence Life, having organized the event for first year dorms, sent out a letter of apology following the statement. 

White Elephant, a typically fun and innocent holiday party gag where players each bring a silly gift to contribute to a pile that is then drawn from in a randomized order, turned disastrous Friday night after a student participant of the game (unnamed for legal reasons) smuggled an albino elephant, of which there are less than 100 in the world, into the dorms. The full grown, adult animal was stored in the Jewett basement during the time between its arrival and the day of the event when the “gift” would be revealed. Between the strange noises coming from the Pit and the hazy mental state of many Jewett occupants, the 10-foot-tall animal of course went unnoticed. 

“I was confused,” the alleged culprit explained. “I had never participated in a White Elephant gift exchange before. I take things very literally and I take gift giving very seriously. I apologize for the misunderstanding and would like everyone to abide by the laws of Secret Santa and respect the secrecy of my identity, as well as how I was able to obtain the elephant.” 

The student is suspected of exporting the animal from its home in Thailand via the black market. 

Clearly someone didn’t read my article from last week. 

Another participant is alleged to have gifted Marcus Whitman’s remains for the game, but whether or not that is true will likely not be revealed as the College quickly covered it up. 

“Everyone really went all out,” a Lyman first-year resident said. “I feel bad about my silly little keychains that say ‘I love boobies’ now.”