Duckling Do’s and Don’ts

Conor Bartol, Proud Time-Traveler since 2045

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

Spring has sprung and the ducklings have hatched! As we welcome a new generation of the most important creatures on campus, remember some simple rules for what to do, and what not to do, with our new feathered friends.


Do feed the ducklings nutritious snacks such as frozen peas and grapes. They will thank you for your kindness and may even show you some neat duck tricks in return.

Don’t feed the ducklings bread, it will make their tummies upset and they will not accept any more snacks from you.


Do offer to babysit. While the mother ducks may try to shun you at first, be patient — once they know you are not a threat they will appreciate you giving them some time off from the younguns.

Don’t literally sit on the ducklings. You are much heavier than a duck and do not smell nearly as nice.


Do make them your wingmen (ba-dum-tss). If you’re single and looking to mingle then a duckling will show people you’re sensitive and caring. This is the fastest way to someone’s heart.

Don’t take the duckling to any rowdy parties. A drunk duckling is an unpredictable duckling.


Do take them to your meals. Ducklings get free food on campus, so if you’re low on flex and looking for food then a little duckling goes a long way.

Don’t use the duckling to get into wine tasting. It won’t work, they’ve seen that trick before and will laugh you off the premises.


Do cherish what time you have with the ducklings, and whatever you do,

Don’t get attached. In mere months those little balls of fluff will be adolescents. Adolescent ducks are generally more moody and standoffish, and, unfortunately, they probably won’t want to hang out with you anymore. Teenagers, am I right?