Supervillains cancel 2020 plans: “What’s the point?”

Conor Bartol, Henchman for hire

In an uncharacteristic move, the International League of Villains has announced they are canceling all activities for the rest of 2020 and 2021. In a statement released Monday, the League’s chairman, the sorcerer called the Dread-Lord Morlok, said, “2020 has been a difficult year for all of us, and while we are evil, we are not monsters. Therefore, any and all remaining supervillainous plots are postponed to Jan. 1, 2022, at the earliest.”

The move was lauded as “compassionate” by the United Nations, who praised the League for delaying their misdeeds until after the pandemic is under control. However, while most League members agree with the decision, they are still frustrated by the delay.

Disgraced particle physicist Doctor Void said, “I spent years developing a black-hole gun. It took a lot of work. Of course, as soon as I finished it, I can’t use it. I can’t suck the moon into a singularity now. It would be too mean.”

Doctor Void’s sentiments were echoed by other League members. According to the non-Euclidean entity known only as the Nightmare King, “Going through with our plans now would be in poor taste. We have a modicum of class.”

A super-intelligent dolphin, whose true name is unspellable, agreed: “The surface world is unwell. To invade a weakened enemy would be dishonorable.”

Some are grateful for the temporary reprieve. The Wire even recently reported on a villain who’s taken the opportunity to transition to an office job. However, others are worried about the consequences of delaying their schemes. Villains have often reported a culture of one-upmanship within the League, and there are concerns that postponing everything will lead to an uncontrollable flood of villainous plots after they are allowed to resume.

Retired villain Mr. Mayhem has criticized the League for merely postponing their schemes instead of canceling them outright. “Imagine it, everyone going at once after restrictions are lifted, trying to make the biggest bang,” he said. “Dragons dive-bombing you on the left, giant robots on the right, ghost hordes behind you and above you the Moon is exploding. It’s gonna be a total crapshow.”

“Still,” he added. “Might be more enjoyable than this year.”