CDC PSA: Do not use COVID-19 vaccines as throwing darts

Conor Bartol, Mac and Cheese Decryer

The CDC has issued new vaccination guidelines following the hospitalization of a man known only as “Triple Threat” MacGyver. MacGyver apparently painted a target on his back and instructed doctors to throw syringes full of the COVID-19 vaccine into him like darts. Doctors got seven into him, with one bullseye, before MacGyver collapsed in pain from multiple organ perforations.

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

MacGyver’s nickname is due to him receiving the Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson vaccines in some attempt to become “superimmune.” The CDC has advised against this, reiterating that any one of the three vaccines is enough, and to save the rest for those who are unvaccinated. MacGyver said the darts were a good idea because he thought the “added velocity from the throw would supercharge the process,” to which the CDC responded, “that’s not how any of this works. Don’t do that. Seriously.”

MacGyver will face charges if he tries to get vaccinated again, but he remains undeterred. “I’ve gotten over three dozen shots so far, and I feel fine,” says MacGyver. “I mean, sometimes my arm randomly goes limp, but that just shows the shots are working.”

A visibly frustrated Doctor Fauci made a short remark on the incident, reminding people to “please, just get one vaccine in your arm, without throwing the syringe. Is that so hard?” When asked if it was okay to use the vaccine as a condiment on food, a resigned Fauci hung his head and said, “Yeah, sure, whatever”.

The doctors who participated in the vaccine-throwing are currently under investigation for medical malpractice. However, they claimed their actions were part of a clinical trial for “Abdominal Projectile Multi-Stage Immunization,” and that the scoreboard, empty beer cans and loud whooping sounds from their office were a part of the procedure.