King Charles’ reign contested by kid pulling sword from stone

Conor Bartol, Author of "Robin Hood vs. Godzilla" (not yet published)

Newly elected crowned monarch King Charles had the chance to reign for a good ten, maybe twenty years if he was lucky. But it seems that chance may be gone forever, after a young boy in England pulled a sword from a stone and laid claim to the throne.

While initially dismissed as “a silly joke” by the royal family, the sword was found to be the original from “Sword in the Stone” after close analysis by historians. Additionally, all others who attempted to lift the sword found it infinitely heavy. How it ended up in a rock again is unknown, as Merlin is unavailable for comment.

“I think it’s all a load of crap,” one Charles supporter said. “The divine right to rule is supposed to be passed down through bloodlines, which makes total sense. You can’t become king just by picking up a sword, unless you’re the original Arthur.”

Meanwhile, critics of the monarchy are equally disappointed.

Illustration by Keeli McKern.

“It’s absurd that someone should be king or queen just by accident of birth,” one critic said. “However, I don’t think the sword in the stone system is a vast improvement.”

The only people who are happy are the supporters of the new king, who say “everyone’s just jealous that they never found a cool sword,” and, “we need a king who will take a proactive stance against dragons and for finding the holy grail.”

The new king in question is named Jacob Brown (soon to be Jacob Pendragon, once the necessary government forms are completed). He says he found the blade “in a rock somewhere” and thought it “looked pretty badass,” but was unaware that it would grant him kinghood.

As for his priorities, Jacob wants to re-form the Knights of the Round Table by knighting all his friends so they can “go on epic quests and bring back cool treasure.” A disquieting notion for many, but an exciting prospect for the British Museum.

Former King Charles declined to comment, other than that he was “busy job hunting.”