Hi Readers,

We here at the Humor section may joke around, but we take our work very seriously. Despite our best efforts, we have made many factual errors and lapses in journalistic ethics this semester. What follows is a list of corrections to amend these mistakes. We sincerely apologize for any confusion we may have caused.

• “First-years bewildered by ringing noises after assuming clock tower was decorative”: an interviewee described the ringing as “like clockwork.” While possibly true at the time, it now rings a good 5-6 seconds earlier each day (I’ve checked).
• “QUIZ: How well do you hide that you’re a STEM major?”: claimed that STEM majors “only have beakers, rocks and their favorite Expo markers for friends.” This is false, as we also have our trusty graphing calculators.
• “Whitman’s Genetic Modification Lab resequences campus culture”: The administration has made it clear that there is not, and never was, a genetic modification lab deep beneath the science building, and their unholy experiments, which never existed, certainly never escaped and are currently running amok.
• “Whitman Haunt Society Inducts new member at Annual Meeting”: a final haunt society member, “Guy who Styx ate,” was omitted by mistake.
• “Villain Pact coming to campus: Find your Backup Enemy”: We reported Villain Pact’s success rate as 7%. However, some people only became enemies because the survey said so, not out of inherent animosity, so it’s a real chicken or the egg situation, isn’t it?
• “Whitman Mascot Bluey the Foothill starts first year on Campus”: we wrote that “Bluey might have daddy issues,” which Bluey later denied (albeit through tears).
• “Exposing the Wire”: has a misleading headline. All our wiring is well-insulated and perfectly safe. The newsroom tables, however, are falling apart.
• “Upward Together – Educational Dysfunction”: not a correction, but an apology. I never managed to work a “boner” joke into this one, and for that I am sorry. I really cocked this one up.
• “My Failed Attempt at Avoiding Camping”: Meghan’s friends deny coercing her into a camping trip. Meghan was unavailable for comment, being still lost in the woods at that time and communicating only sparsely via small notes attached to messenger squirrels.

We apologize again for these errors and promise to never repeat them. From now on we will only lie to you very deliberately.

Kind regards,

The Whitman Wire Humor Staff