As Whitman College begins buying up more and more land in the surrounding Walla Walla Valley, questions have started surfacing as to what they’re using all that land for. Call them crazy, but students are getting curious about what could be a better use of their thousands of tuition dollars than things like staff salary or ziplines from Maxey to Olin. Well, it’s about time we found out! On Tuesday, it was revealed to the public just what has been taking up so much of the college’s resources.

Students watched on Ankeny in horror as admin pulled up the large velvet curtain to unveil a line of about 20 students on all fours, sewn together back to front. This Whitman Human Centipede, or, as Bolton dubbed it, the “Whittipede,” slowly stumbled away from the admin and into the crowd to “make friends.”

“Isn’t this wonderful?” asked VP of Finance and Administration Jeff Hamrick. “The publicity alone will rake in thousands of dollars! And we can rent it out as entertainment for children’s birthday parties!”

The crowd nodded awkwardly, the silence punctuated by an occasional cough. After a moment, a student spoke up. “This is bad… like, really bad… God, you get that this is bad, right?”

To which Hamrick responded with a PR Smile, stating, “I’ll stay away from the issue of good versus evil, but I’ll note that it’s good for making money!”

In response to this, the Whittipede coughed up a hairball like some sort of demented cat, causing the audience to hesitantly step away.

“Aw, how cute,” one of the board members cooed, offering it a burger from Cleve. “Do you want a treat?” As the creature chewed, it made the burger somehow look less appetizing than Cleve burgers already are.

As the event came to a close, The Wire stopped a student and asked how they felt about the reveal. Junior Ethics in Society Major, Soryn Damoth, simply rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed, “At least I have a thesis.”