Is this article a cry for help or a comedic masterpiece with layers? But it’s May, and in the past two weeks, I’ve written two articles with the same recycled jokes. I need a change in style. In order to do this, I’ve been taking notes from trusted colleagues – my dad and that one Estonian guy who keeps flying paper airplanes into my open window with article critiques and revisions. You know who you are.

But today, I’m being edgy. No more mister hack comic! We’re making jokes about sewer slide! Sewer slide… I’m being censored, aren’t I? I meant to type SEWERSLIDE, but… well… it’s as you see. Maybe I ought to throw in the towel. Is saying I’m going to K.M.S. (Keep Myself Safe) even that funny to begin with? What more can I add to this conversation except that Gen Z is full of sick customers?

Or… can we agree that a disproportionate response to a minor issue is outrageously funny? Stub your toe? Call in a bomb threat. Five minutes late to class? Loudly announce your intentions to lope across the floor like a jackal and maul the professor.

Have a bad day, say you’re gonna end it all!

Hmm. That last one wasn’t particularly funny, actually. Maybe it needs more context. Your professor reminded you that you had three overdue assignments, and then you told your friends you thought about dying.

Wait, what?

NOT FUNNY AT ALL! ABORT!!!

Soooo, maybe sewer slide isn’t actually funny anymore. Maybe it’s… never been funny!  What’s the solution here? We’ve got to say something to convey our dissatisfaction without traipsing into a psychiatric concern report, or worse, saying K.M.S. and meaning it. It’s got to be something timely, funny and just racy enough to get you a side-eye from your friends and teachers. I’ve been saying “the Board of Trustees will be hearing about this,” but be original! I’m not your one-stop shop for quippy phrases!

You could keep joking about sewer slide – I’m not your mom. But, why punch down on yourself when the Whitman College Board is right there?