Guys, I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but things have not been going so hot on campus of late. The decisions of our administration are becoming ever more confusing, and their motives remain mysterious. One minute, the budget is so tight they need to cut the healthcare benefits of the professors, and the next minute, they’ve bought a bar. They tell us there is simply not enough money to provide us free printing, but there certainly is for new overpriced dorms. Raise your hand if you’re confused!

We can’t seem to get a straight answer from these people, and who knows what they’ll do next? Fire all the janitors and buy a Chuck-E-Cheese? Start charging us for library books, and put saunas in the dorms? The possibilities are endless!

We have got to get to the bottom of what’s going on here, and I’m starting to think we’re not up to the task. I think it’s time to bring in the big guns, and no, I don’t mean financial auditors. I fear we’re past that point. We need someone much more powerful – Ziwe.

Ziwe is known far and wide for her cutting interview techniques. This woman got George Santos to admit that he did drag and doesn’t know what empathy is. Imagine what she could do if we unleashed her into Memorial! Sarah Bolton may be able to dodge our questions, but no one can hide anything from Ziwe. I feel that, with just 10 minutes alone with Bolton, she could get the answers we’ve been looking for and more.

It’s important to know when to ask for help, and guys, we need it badly. Now, I know it’s a long shot getting Ziwe to come to a tiny town in Washington — best known for an onion — but sometimes you need a miracle! So, here’s a little prayer I’ve been saying in hopes that Ziwe hears our pleas.

“Dear most sacred Ziwe and Ziwe’s managers, please bless us with your presence, ability to tolerate awkward silences, pointed questions and cute 90s fashion. Thank you and amen.”