The following report comes directly from the Federal Institute of Internal Investigations (FIII):

[We are glad to report that recent increases in prices have absolutely no cause for concern for the general public. We, members of the FIII, have checked every single branch of the government and found ourselves especially unrelated to those price increases.

“We have also made extensive efforts to check our corporate partners and sponsors and have found none of the executives are at fault, with at worst only lower-level employees having marginal effects on price increases. A similar sentiment has been expressed in our own federal government, one which the DOGE was already aware of before it dissolved itself for inefficiency. But do not panic, as we are already aware and willing to confirm that DOGE 2: Election Boogaloo is now already in development and is set to improve societal efficiency by 300%.

As for you, patriotic and perfectly obedient citizens of the United States, we recommend you do not worry about any possible causes for price increases. You don’t need to look up anything about the Strait of Hormuz or any blockade happening there because there is none, and if there were, it’s not doing anything. You also don’t need to worry about how an AI data center may negatively impact overall prices because it won’t; AI will make everything better. You don’t need to think about taxing multi-million dollar properties like they do in New York; it’ll do nothing, and if you think it will do something… No… And finally, you don’t need to talk about why LEGO sets are so expensive now, they’re just becoming a product that appeals to a wider mass of professional collectors and investors instead of stupid children.

Thank you, loyal citizens, God bless America, and remember to not put tape over any cameras.

Text generated in-part by PoobGPT.]

… Yeah, I don’t really buy it either, I was just told to post it. By the way, did you know that Trump was tempted by the One Ring? (Just reminding everyone).