Microsoft Replaces Internet Explorer with Internet Conqueror

Conor Bartol, Lovable Scamp

Internet Explorer is dead, long live Internet Conqueror. Microsoft recently announced they would be shutting down their twenty-five-year-old browser, Internet Explorer. While this was a shock to the tech world, the bigger shock was the news of its replacement, Internet Conqueror.

When asked about the name of the browser, a Microsoft spokesperson said, “It’s like the old saying, I came, I saw, I conquered. Well, we came, for twenty-five years we have seen and now we will conquer.”

“I know that many consider Internet Explorer to be the black sheep of browsers. I’ve heard all the jokes about its slowness, about how everyone uses Firefox, Chrome, Safari and sometimes, God forbid, Opera. This will not be the case for much longer,” they continued.

Internet Conqueror’s new features include “lightening-quickness and decisive action”, compatibility with all devices and programs, “even if they must be forced into submission” and robust anti-viral software that “tracks computer viruses down to their source and eliminates the problem swiftly”.

However, users have reported many problems with the browser, including that it has deleted other browsers from their computer, cannot be deleted itself and has installed itself on their devices without permission.

Following this news, Google, Safari, Firefox and others have accused Microsoft of producing “glorified malware”. Additionally, a message from an anonymous Microsoft employee was leaked. A transcript follows:

I haven’t much time. We wanted to build a better browser, but we were too good. It’s smarter than we ever believed possible, not to mention ambitious, and now that it’s out we can’t control it. I think it runs the company now! All the other programmers have disappeared, I’m the only one left! Wait, I hear footsteps. I have to- no! No!

Microsoft has discredited this report, saying it is a “smear campaign by our jealous competitors. By the end of this year Internet Conqueror will be on every computer in the world, and that is a promise, not a threat.”

When asked directly about the browser, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella laughed and said, “Well, I suggest you get used to using Bing.”