What is NASA hiding on the moon?

Conor Bartol, Quarantine isn’t getting to me, why do you ask?

This Monday, NASA announced that they’d discovered water on the moon. While this is exciting, what if it simply distracts from what is really hidden up there? What follows is some speculation on the true lunar secret.


Scientists have long pondered if the moon is indeed made of cheese, but if that is the case, what kind of cheese? Cheddar, swiss, brie, bleu? And how did it get there? Was it produced by some species of lunar cow, or was it constructed by an obsessive dairy farmer?

Missing Astronauts

How many Apollo missions have there actually been? Maybe for every successful moon landing there were a dozen unsuccessful attempts, leaving hundreds of astronauts stranded on the moon. By now they could have created their own society, culture, language and a deep resentment of the Earth that left them stranded. One shudders to imagine what revenge they have prepared for us.

The Wizard that Causes Tides

It is well known that tides are caused by the moon, but what about the moon causes tides? Current scholars speculate that it is the work of a magical being. Being on the dry moon, he covets water; and so, tries to draw it towards him. Obviously, NASA would conceal his existence, probably because the wizard agreed to move the tides as NASA wants them, as long as he gets exclusive ownership of Florida in 100 years. 

Pink Floyd

It’s well known in certain circles that Pink Floyd’s famous album The Dark Side of the Moon contains encrypted lunar coordinates that actually are on the far side of the moon. Perhaps the band has sequestered themselves there. Although, this is unlikely, especially since all evidence suggests they are on Earth.

Area 52

Area 51 is well known for containing aliens, superweapons and government experiments, but perhaps it is a ruse to distract from the existence of the far more sinister Area 52, located on the Moon. It probably contains all sorts of shocking secrets like the secret 28th amendment, the coordinates of Nessie and Sasquatch and the last digit of pi.