Whitman postpones in-person plans after bed bug infestation

Conor Bartol, Who let the Frogge out?

In a surprising turn of events, Whitman’s in-person plans have been indefinitely postponed; but not by COVID-19, but by a bed bug invasion.

President Kathy Murray emailed, “We were so focused on stopping the spread of the novel coronavirus that we neglected the threat of bed bugs.”

A custodian first noticed the bugs while preparing Anderson Hall for students’ return. She tried to move a mattress but found herself covered in hundreds of insects. Bystanders reported seeing her run outside, swatting at them. Moments later the school was thrown into chaos as bedbugs erupted out of every mattress on campus.

Due to this, Whitman sent all students living on campus to a hotel and has cancelled the next in-person semester until the pest problem is resolved.

Exterminators were called to deal with the problem, and they were disturbed by what they found. “It’s unnatural,” one said. “They all came out of the mattresses simultaneously. It’s as if they were somehow organized.”

“Bed bugs are no joke,” said another. “I saw them go at a man once. His head hit the pillow, and in ten seconds they were on him. Stripped him down to the bone. Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite? We have that rhyme for a reason. But we’ve grown soft, and now they’re here to make sure we never sleep again.”

The exterminators were unavailable for further comments, because they placed the campus under lockdown with strict instructions not to contact them until they had dealt with the bugs.

All this has made students hesitant to return to campus. However, not everyone is afraid of the bugs. One student, who identified himself as “Hugh Mann,” said the following in a Zoom interview: “Bed bugs friends. All students come, sleep in bed. Make friend with bug. Go home, home to own bed. Bug friends in home bed.”

When asked if he was concerned about the impact on students’ health, Hugh did not answer. He just hissed sharply, then his approximately human shape melted to a mound of thousands of writhing insects.