Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Alumni weekend helps students meet future selves, confront mortality

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Humor

I walk into Reid on a Thursday afternoon to pick up my mail and my senses are immediately bombarded with the sounds of our prestigious alumni and their hoards of near-identical spawn, checking in for their weekend of nostalgia and quiet desperation. For students, alumni weekend provides a sobering r...

Campus republicans have less sense of humor than expected

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

September 15, 2016


Filed under Humor

Twelve o’clock descends upon the sweltering lawn as my attention is caught by a large sign with “Rick for President” written in large red and blue font. The activities fair is in full swing and my fraternity obligates me to sit sweaty and disgruntled behind a large folding table on the Cordiner side lawn...

Macklemore Song Solves all Religious Conflict

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer

September 8, 2016


Filed under Humor

We all knew you could do it, Macklemore!  Way to go!  In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last week, hip-hop recording artist Ben Haggerty obliterated growing tension between the Judeo-Christian West and Muslim east, singlehandedly ushering in an era of prosperity and understanding which will surely las...

This week in the news

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Staff Writer

September 8, 2016


Filed under Humor

-Post-80s dance Prentiss brunch the surest sign yet that the apocalypse is nigh -RA spends a heartbreaking amount of time making bathroom “Crush Board” poster that will be covered in phallic imagery within the week -Princeton Review ranks Whitman #1 with Birkenstock-to-Student ratio of 3:1 -Mik...

Retaliation Against Systematic Oppression of White Males

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

May 5, 2016


Filed under Humor

Whitman is known for its active student body, but one group especially feels that it has not received the recognition it deserves. The Whitman White Male Club will be hosting an all day protest next Tuesday. “We feel like recognition of the struggles that white men go through is underrepresented here at ...

15 Ways that a Thesis Lowers Your Standards

Austin Biehl, staff writer

May 5, 2016


Filed under Humor

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash. You pee sitting down just to have a brief moment of rest. You stop washing dishes and instead start eating off of other household objects. You commence an eight page research paper on the day that it is due because any document less than 60 p...

Spin, Donut, Spin

Jack Swain, staff writer

May 5, 2016


Filed under Humor

Jack lived alone in a small house at the end of the block, adjacent to the convenience store. Inside the convenience store was a sign shaped like a pink donut. The sign would spin, around and around, day and night, without stopping, for ever and ever. As Jack fell asleep, he would watch the sign spin...

Trustees want YOU! (to think they care)

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

May 5, 2016


Filed under Humor

Whitman has recently undergone a number of name changes to the various campus institutions that promote a history of colonialism and a general white supremacist attitude. There’s that fun line slash thing in the title of The Pioneer, and we’ve confirmed in several ground breaking studies that, ...

God kinda busy right now, so hold on just a sec

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

April 28, 2016


Filed under Humor

According to reports, God (of Heavenly Father fame), is kinda busy right now, so you’re just gonna have to hold on for a couple of minutes, ok? Telling reporters that the number of prayers he’s received in the last few weeks is just “too much,” even for a supreme, all-knowing being such as himse...

Whitties Helping Non-Whitties

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

April 28, 2016


Filed under Humor

As a humor writer for the Whitman College Pioneer (we’d love input on a less-racist name change, by the way), I am a vociferous proponent for making fun of the Whitman student body. Every day, I am bombarded with potential jokes about the various absurdities of living in this Birkenstoked hive min...

ASWC Passes Pio Bylaw, Gets Off

Austin Biehl, Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writers

April 21, 2016


Filed under Humor

The night of April 17 will go down in history as the freakin’ Independence Day for members of the small, deformed, name-ambiguous situation that is The Pioneer. Queen Clarra May sent out an email to The Pio listserv declaring, “I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! But...

Crafting Comedy

Christy Carley, Staff Reporter

April 14, 2016


Filed under FEATURE

Varsity Nordic, the group of campus improvisers whose predecessors snagged their name from the defunded nordic ski team, generally meets three times a week at 10:00 p.m.

Read more »

Whitman news since 1896
Humor