Local man to sell his antibodies online

Fielding Schaefer, Professional Quarantinist

“We’re all out of work here. I see no better way to pass the time while raking in some cash than getting myself infected and selling off my antibody-filled saliva,” said Whitman student Henry Schultz after The Wire spotted him licking the door of the post office on Sunday. Henry spent the weekend outside the post office, waiting and licking until he began to feel shortness of breath and a fever, and then – success! He spent the rest of the day collecting his virus-filled saliva to take to his Etsy store.

Henry is hoping to get ahead of the curve as American citizens seek out antibodies to become immune to getting the virus.

“Sure, I’m actually just selling the virus. The hope is that people will be fine and just end up with the antibodies, kind of like a DIY vaccine, but I can’t be liable for that. That’s why everyone has to sign a virtual waiver that I Facebook message them before they can buy,” Henry said. 

Henry said the vials will sell for “I don’t know, any $1,200 that people may have laying around,” and in 12 short hours, Henry sold out all of the saliva he was able to produce on Monday! Henry is proving that the virus has a hot consumer demand that most people maybe just aren’t willing to acknowledge.

When asked about moral concerns surrounding his new business, Henry expressed that he’s got all the fine print in his Etsy item description, and that, like all American commerce, consumers should be responsible for their purchases. Plus, after watching an enlightening White House press conference, Henry is now adding injection needles filled with Clorox bleach free of charge to instantly cure people if the antibodies end up making people really sick.

Henry concluded his interview optimistically, claiming that, “In the worst case scenario, I’ll at least be able to pay for all of my medical bills.”